Monday, January 30, 2006
Almost but not Quite...
I know it's not right to say you were mine, even if we did have our time. And no matter how painful it is for me to see how it meant nothing to you, I just have to deal with it and accept the fact that all I can hold on to is the thought that you were almost mine...
i found this quote in my two-year old files.
the realization that it's still something i could have written or said would have made me laugh with bitter irony if it weren't so painful. the situation is still practically the same, the only difference is that the thing i always believed to be true two years ago is now something i actually know for sure is the truth.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
image from Post SecretLabels: random ramblings, snapshots
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
8:50 PM
Monday, January 16, 2006
All 3s...except for one
was surfing the Internet and i got this from Jillah's blog.
Three names you go by:
1. aouie
2. -
3. -
Three screen names you have had:
1. aouie
2. kisses
3. -
Three physical things you like about yourself:
1. hair
2. legs
3. -
Three physical things you don't like about yourself:
1. too much extra pounds
2. pimple scars i can't get rid of
3. dark lips
Three parts of your heritage:
1. i'm filipino
2. despite my surname, i'm not related to this particular singer
3. -
Three things that scare you:
1. growing old alone
2. ending up with someone i don't really love
3. -
Three of your everyday essentials:
1. cellphone
2. wallet/money
3. a whispered prayer for something i'm so stupid to keep wanting
Three of your favorite musical artists:
1. Side A
2. Erik Santos
3. Martin Nievera
Three of your favorite songs:
1. Nothing's Gonna Change My Love for You [all-time favorite]
2. So Much In Love [semi all-time favorite]
3. Anything for You [as of the moment]
Three things you want in a relationship:
1. friendship and acceptance
2. healthy balance between serious moments and goofy times
3. trust and respect
Three lies and truths in no particular order:
1. i still love him
2. i'm 20 years old
3. my name is aouie
4. i'm happy
5. i'm a sentimental hopeless romantic
6. he knows i love him
Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to you:
1. eyes
2. lips/smile
3. hair
Three of your favorite hobbies:
1. reading and writing
2. conversing with friends about anything and everything
3. playing neopets
Three things you want to do really badly now:
1. travel
2. be with him
3. stop hurting so badly
Three places you want to go on vacation:
1. philippine tourist destinations
2. asia via an asian-pacific cruise
3. either italy, france, or greece
Three kid's names you like:
1. joseph christopher [joey]
2. justine sophia [aouie]
3. franco miguel [mico]
4. krystin ophalle [karylle]
Three things you want to do before you die:
1. have my own family
2. see my loved ones happy
3. be happy in a way i wouldn't want to aspire for more
Three ways that you are stereotypically a girl:
1. i love having conversations, serious or otherwise, with people [love to talk, used to spend an average of 4 hours a night, every night, on the phone]
2. i don't understand what's so fascinating about cars [unless we're talking about a cute guy driving the car...]
3. i'm very sentimental and emotional
Three ways that you are stereotypically a boy:
1. i love watching basketball [UAAP, PBA, PBL, but weirdly not NBA]
2. i don't have much endurance for shopping [i'm already grouchy and complaining after 2 hours]
3. i love gadgets [ipod, phone, laptop, camera, external hard drives, etc] - talking and reading about them's okay but buying and using is better, hahahaha...
Three celeb crushes:
1. Erik Santos
2. Richie Ticzon
3. Patrick Garcia
Three mutant powers:
1. read minds
2. go invisible
3. hypnotize via staring
Three types of food you often crave for:
1. dried mangoes
2. chocolates
3. ice monster
XOXOXOXOXOXO Labels: lists quizzes and surveys
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
4:42 PM
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Aftermaths
I spent the last day of my 2005 crying in front of the pc here in the office and though not even once have I cried since then, the pain hasn't really gone away. There's still a dull ache within me, a heavy feeling that isn't enough to make me cry again yet a heaviness that wouldn't go away.
I've lost count of how many times in the past three years I've prayed for us to get together - minus the ambiguity...minus the complexities. I thought that after we talked last December 29 and after hearing you practically say that what we had was just a moment in our past, I'd finally stop asking for a miracle. But here I am, roughly 13 days and 11 hours after you brought me home, still asking for the same thing, and not even knowing that there is someone else has deterred my faith one bit. It may be pigheaded of me to keep doing so, but I'd still close my eyes and whisper a short prayer for that future with you that I want.
I wish I could stop though. I wish I'd stop hoping so I could focus on the other parts of my life that for three years took a backseat to you. I wish I'd stop missing you, and I wish I'd stop looking back and start building a future that can be complete even without you.
I had a long breakfast with an old friend late last year and when I told him where I might be in a year or so, he said I'm running away. A few days after, my best friend said the same thing. I would like to think that I'm just finally getting on with my life, but even if they're right and I am running away, I hope they'd let me be. A part of me wants to forget I ever considered leaving, but another part of me cherishes the thought of getting to start over in a new place. A place without you and a place without memories of you scattered all over.
Friends always said I'm blessed with a memory that hardly forgets anything. But now, that blessing has become a curse. It makes me remember how it felt to be in your arms and how it was to have my hand in yours. It keeps me reminded of how I've fallen in love with you and not noticed it happened. And it keeps alive every memory I have of every single place we've gone to and of every single thing we did. It wouldn't allow me to forget how beautiful things were in the beginning and how ugly things got because of that one act I did that made you change your mind about us. I'd take one look at the things around me and I'd realize how much I love you and how big a part of my life you still are.
I long for the day when I can visit the places we used to go to and not be painfully reminded of you, when I can think of you and not think of how it is to hold your hand again, and when I can look at you in the eyes and not think of the beautiful relationship we could have had. If I could sleep and wake up when it's all over, I'd gladly do so. At least then there'll be no regrets, no pain, and no pigheaded prayer for a future with you I'll probably never have.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
a friend once said, we never get what we want...we only get a glimpse of what we feel is ours...*sigh* Labels: scribblings from me
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Anything For You
Anything for you
Though you're not here
Since you said we're through
It seems like years
Time keeps draggin' on and on
And forever's been and gone
Still I can't figure what went wrong
And I'd do anything for you
I'll play your game
You've hurt me through and through
But you can have your way
I can pretend each time I see you
That I don't care and I don't need you
Though you'll never see me cryin'
You know inside I feel like dying
I'd still do anything for you
In spite of it all
I've learned so much from you
You made me strong
Don't you ever think that I don't love you
For one minute I forgot you
But sometimes things don't work out right
You just have to say goodbye
I hope you find someone to please you
Someone who'll care and never leave you
But if that someone ever hurts you
You just might need a friend to turn to.
And I'd do anything for you
I'd give you up
If that's what I should do
To make you happy
I can pretend each time I see you
That I don't care and I don't need you
And though inside I feel like dying
You know you'll never see me crying
Don't you ever think that I don't love you
That for one minute I forgot you
But sometimes things don't work out right
And you just have to say goodbye
Don't wanna say goodbye...
Don't you ever think that I don't love you
That for one minute I forgot you
But sometimes things don't work out right
And you just have to say goodbye
I hope you find someone to please you
Someone who'll care and never leave you
But if that someone ever hurts you
You just might need a friend to turn to.
I will do anything for you...
XOXOXOXOXOXO
by NinaLabels: songs
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
5:04 PM
Monday, January 02, 2006
Farewell My Love
I'm glad I finally gathered enough courage to have you read the moving on letter I wrote for you almost two years ago. Amidst one of the most comfortable dinners I've ever had with you, amidst one of the funniest movies I've watched, and amidst the most familiar of environments, I'm glad I didn't chicken out. More than anything else, I'm glad I was able to let you know in not so many words that I have silently loved you all these years.
I prepared myself to hear the worst and I did. I got answers to the questions I've wanted to ask for a while now. And like I already told you, even if I had to ask if you ever played me, I knew in my heart that you wouldn't be capable of doing that to anybody. It's just that in the darkest of hours and you weren't there to reassure me, I did consider that possibility. I'm sorry I ever doubted you and the way I know you.
I also got the truth that I badly needed to hear. You may have already gotten over the girl who used to stand between us, but there is someone else who's making you smile. And if you're happy with her, then I'm happy for you. I really hope you'll do things right this time.
It kills me to hear you say that there is no chance for us anymore. It saddens me to realize that we may have had something beautiful, but it came at a time when you weren't ready for it. For more than three years, I vainly held on to something I knew at the back of my mind should have just remained in the past. I held on to what I thought we had, to that moment I now know I will have to let go of.
I may not have gotten the answers I wanted but at least I know that the moment we shared, fleeting as it was, is real. Your honesty has also given me the chance to take back my life and my future - a life that I built around you and a future that I built with you in it.
I've always had a hard time moving on so I know the next few months wouldn't be easy. The love I gave you for the past three years made you more important to me than anybody else and it is this same love that I am hoping will bring me the acceptance I need to finally move on.
I wish with all my heart that the night we talked wouldn't be the last time we'd see each other. It pains me to know that in less than a year I might be leaving my world as I've always known it to be. And that when the time comes for me to leave, no matter how much I may wish to see you for the last time, I am not in any position to demand anything from you.
I pray that the Lord grant me the grace to love again and to receive the love I know I deserve.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
farewell to you my love...we shall see each other again on the day only fate knows when...Labels: scribblings from me, snapshots
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
3:20 PM
So Much In Love
You must be happy
You look wonderful
I never seen you look so fine
I've heard all about her
You're mad about her
You talk about her all the time.
They say you love her
And she's givin' you
Everything you'll ever need
Though I still adore you
I'm happy for you
I know that it's too late for me.
Chorus:
The only love I ever wanted is gone forever
I can never put my world together
So much in love I know you'll never
Come back to me.
Whoa, love doesn't come to you every minute
If you hold back someone else will win it
If you've got a love put your heart right in it
Never set it free.
So think it over
And you'll understand
I'm not tryin' to change your mind
Though she'll never love you
The way I love you
Boy don't miss your chance this time.
Repeat Chorus twice
XOXOXOXOXOXO
by Sheena EastonLabels: songs
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
7:15 AM
