Wednesday, September 01, 2010
My Journey to You
Three years ago when I closed his chapter in my life, I remember feeling a sense of sadness, like saying goodbye to a long-time friend. Truth be told, I was scared of letting my feelings go, of turning away from something that felt familiar. But I've made up my mind that I want my life back, that I want to be happy again. After five years I finally grew tired of waiting for him to love me. The uphill battle started and as time went by, I slowly got used to a life without him. He was no longer my first and last thought of the day and I've stopped sending him random text messages, hoping he'd reply and ask me out. For the first time since I graduated from college I was building a life away from him, a life that wasn't ruled by memories of him.
In the same year I was struggling with letting him go, I met you. We weren't close though and even after several months, our relationship pretty much stayed on the same level. I hardly knew anything about you - I didn't see you outside of work, we didn't text, we didn't chat, we hardly even worked together - but I felt comfortable with you. I don't know why but I felt good when you're around. I felt like I can tell you anything, that you understood me even if I wasn't telling you much about myself. We were a small group and I thought it was just a matter of time before we got to know each other beyond work. It was sad that I started getting to know you, started learning details about your life, only when you were about to leave.
I understood why you had to go and if I was in that situation, I'd probably do the same. But I can't deny that a part of me resented you for leaving and that same part of me hated you for sticking me with a project I didn't feel I was ready for. I felt your leaving not because of any regrets I had but because of my apprehensions for what's in front of me.
In the year and a half that you were gone, I honestly don't remember missing you. I was too focused on work, on keeping things running as smoothly as possible. 2009 was a busy year for me. Apart from work, this was the year life gave me a tough lesson on letting go. The flood that ravaged through our house forced me to let go of material possessions that reminded me of my past, of memories I should have moved on from a long time ago. It was a painful lesson and it is only now looking back that I am beginning to understand. Life wanted to teach me that with every picture, letter, and souvenir I throw away, I was also making room for new memories to take the place of old ones. Life was apparently preparing me for your return.
I was glad when I heard you were coming back but I didn't realize things would be different this time around. I didn't realize that now you're someone with whom I’ll be sharing a lot - projects, business trips, stories about your past, details about myself. I was pleasantly surprised when you understood my frustrations better than anyone else. But I guess I should have known that, because you saw the project at its inception and you knew what it was like to be doing what I've been doing for the past two years. As the months went by and I struggled with work issues, you were there doing what you can to make things easier for me. In your own way, you were taking care of me, making sure I was okay, making sure you were there if I needed someone to talk with.
I woke up one day realizing that without meaning to I had fallen for you, that I like you more than I should. I know you're not free to love someone and you have issues you need to settle and deal with first. I'm hoping though that your coming back meant you've already accepted the realities of your past. I'm praying that you're slowly coming to terms with whatever issues your old relationship left you with and that the only loose ends left are the legalities. I want to help you with what you're going through, help you heal and be there for you just like you were there for me, but I don't know how to reach out to you. I'm scared that I might do something to drive you away, that I might screw up whatever chance I have with you. I'm scared of making the same mistakes I did in the past.
I don't know if a relationship between us is possible or how good it will be if we do get into one. A quick look at how we both grew up will tell anyone that we're very different from each other. But I'm hoping that we can bridge the gap and see beyond our differences, that we can both accept each other for what we are and for what we're not. I want this chance with you and I'm willing to grow up, to accept you and your past, just to make this chance a reality. I only hope that you can meet me halfway, that you will want to work things out with me, no matter how hard and no matter what we face.
I’m putting myself on the line again and I'm crossing my fingers that this time, this story will have a different ending - a happy ending.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
loving involves two phases. the first intuitive one is loving the person in spite of who he is and the second nobler one is loving the person for who he isn't. the first one sparks love, the second one makes it last...Labels: scribblings from me
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Tangled Thoughts
A little over a year ago I was asked what would make me stay. I don't remember giving an answer and I highly doubt if I did. It just didn't seem that important then. I had no idea that not even six months after that I'd be engaged in an internal struggle whether to stay or leave - that suddenly there would be an urgency to figuring out the answer to that question.
A part of me wants to stay - I've actually already imagined myself growing old in this company and maybe even in this team. But events over the past year made me think if I am really where I should be.
None of the projects I've had in the past three years required the skill sets I was hired into the company for. I worked my ass off last year, accepting a scope that should have been handled by multiple teams each with several members. Deep in my heart I knew what I deserved and when I didn't get it, I wanted to leave. I felt that my efforts were not given due importance and recognition; that I was not getting respect for what I've done and what I've given. Despite these ill feelings though, I stayed. I stayed because I knew the project needed me.
But I don't have that excuse anymore.
It's been almost a month since I've transitioned out of the project I've nurtured for two years and I'm still grasping at what my day would be. Yes there are projects coming in but I don't know what my level of involvement will be with those projects or if I'll be involved at all. I've been here long enough to know that there is a picture in his mind of the whole team, of what each member's role is, but he seems to have forgotten that I cannot read his mind. He seems to have overlooked the fact that he has not yet painted the big picture for me, that he has not yet explained to me how I fit into that big picture.
I love details and the uncertainty of everything is stressing me out. It doesn't help either that I am in between projects with a lot of time to kill. Weird as it sounds, I do not enjoy having a lot of time on my hands because it is during these idle moments that the antsy feelings come back to haunt me. I already told myself that I will stay, at least give myself until the end of the year to get used to life post-transition and then re-evaluate whether to stay or leave. But my commitment is being sorely tested as I battle conflicting feelings and thoughts, a number of which are telling me to leave and seek greener pastures.
I'm still trying to hold on though. I'm still trying to find reasons to stay no matter how trivial or inconsequential. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that at end of it all the reasons to stay will outweigh the reasons to leave.
But until then, I'm here waiting, twiddling my thumbs until the next project begins, until I find my niche in the team again.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOLabels: scribblings from me, work-related
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
5:30 PM
Monday, March 10, 2008
Conflicted, Drained, and Scared Shitless
There are so many conflicting thoughts and emotions within me that I desperately want to resolve or at the very least share with someone. But I can't resolve anything because their resolution doesn't lie within my hands. And for the life of me, I don't know who I want to talk with regarding everything. I'm usually good at knowing who I want to talk to but at this point, I'm so confused and unsure of things that I can't even determine who I think can give me comfort.
I'm physically tired with the long hours I spent in the office last week but I'm even more emotionally drained with the things going on at home and at the office. I can't cry at home like I used to because I have to be strong for my siblings and for my mom and I have to keep my wits at the office because one project after the other is starting and ending. I've never been really good at hiding the surges of emotion that I'm quite prone to having and right now I'm struggling to keep up my facade that's crumbling with every minute I spend sitting at my desk.
I have never been scared about the future and I have never wanted to run away from knowing the truth. Experience after all has taught me that however painful the truth is, it's better to know how things actually are than to keep wondering where things stand. But I'm scared shitless for the coming weeks. I'm scared of how things will eventually turn out at home and I'm scared of how things will get resolved at the office. I crave for stability and consistency even in just one part of my life and the uncertainty I'm faced with in every direction is making it hard for me to deal with what's going on.
XOXOXOXOXOXOLabels: scribblings from me, work-related
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
4:30 PM
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Songs from the Past
It's been one hell of a distracting morning. I watched a Valentine's concert last night and though I knew I'd be hearing love songs, I wasn't prepared to hear some of the songs that were sung last night.
Passenger Seat
Hearing this brought back a host of memories. They were memories that made me smile but ones I haven't revisited in awhile. In the past months that I haven't communicated with you, I never felt a stronger urge to text you than what I felt last night. God, I miss you so much.
If You're not the One
For five years, this song carried me through all the frustrating moments. I held on to every line of the song just as I held on to the belief that we crossed paths when we did because we were meant to be together. And there wasn't anything anyone could say to dispell my notion that I was waiting for something that will make all those years worth it.
What Do We Mean to Each Other
You gave me mixed signals. But somehow, despite the pain, I preferred the familiarity of our situation to the disorientation and listlessness I experienced when I was in the process of removing you from my life and from the future I'm trying to build.
One Last Cry
After three years, I finally broke my silence. We had a heart to heart talk where I told you everything I've been wanting to say since we graduated from college. You told me the exact things I prepared myself to hear but two days later, I was crying like I haven't cried in a long time. You meant the world to me but I was ready to let you go - I was ready to set the idea of 'us' free. I promised myself that that day will be the last time I'll ever cry over you. I told myself that I'm done with waiting, that I'm ready to reclaim my life. I'm still staying true to that promise I made but after all your mixed signals, I'm still in the process of moving on.
After last night and after all the emotions and the memories triggered by the songs I heard, I suddenly don't know where I am. Suddenly, I am not too sure if I'm already okay.
XOXOXOXOXOXOLabels: scribblings from me
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
4:10 PM
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
To You from Me...
Dear You,
Three different strangers have told me of a would-have-been future with you and more than one common acquaintance/friend told me we have chemistry and we look cute together. Three years of hearing those things and I still don't know what exactly it is that they see.
I feel comfortable with you and yes I admit I like you. You're intelligent and humble and we can connect on various different levels (work, love, basketball, etc). But I don't think I like you enough to destroy a relationship and risk the comfortable friendship that we have.
The last stranger who mentioned you also said that a previous disappointment has left me so scared that I am unable to romantically connect with anyone. I guess it is that fear that drove me away when we had something amidst your relationship and amidst my hang-ups. There is no turning back and looking at your pictures with her has made me realize that. I'm not sure if this is regret talking or if I'm merely stating facts but whatever it is, I know that I still have the friendship that I wanted to preserve and that there is someone out there for me. And this time, he will be someone I will like enough to make me face everything I didn't even know I'm scared of.
Love, Moi
XOXOXOXOXOXOLabels: scribblings from me
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
6:33 PM
Monday, May 07, 2007
Closing Chapters
I thought talking to you this time around would finally free me from the state of perpetual pain I've been in for the past four years. But I was wrong. As I watched you drive away that night, all I felt was weariness – an exhaustion that never felt more pronounced than it did at that particular moment. In my mind, I was saying goodbye to four years of my life that though I did not spend with you, the hope I had made it feel like you were with me and we were together.
The day after we talked, a common friend IM'ed me and somewhere along the conversation asked me if I still love you. I'm not sure if you told her we were together the night before but all I told her was that whatever I feel for you is irrelevant. And I am right. I love you and though I can honestly say that I feel I am special to you, the feeling is not enough for you to want us to be together.
Friends who knew we talked have been asking me what happened but I keep putting off talking about it because every time I so much as try to think about it too long, I start to cry. And I'm tired of crying. I want to be numb enough that when I finally talk about it, it will just be like I'm telling somebody else's story. A few days ago, I got what I wanted. I had a drinking session with some friends and I didn't cry. I didn't even get that throat-closing-choked-up feeling, not that it made me feel better about everything or that it made things easier for me.
After four years, I think I've reached the point where I'm so tired of everything I just want the truth. I just want my life back. I want to be able to go through my daily routine without wondering how you are, if you've eaten, if you've had enough sleep. I want to know what it feels like to be happy again. I'm closing this chapter of my life. Again. And this time, I want it to stay closed – the way it should have more than a year ago.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
You know what makes this night difficult? It's when after a long day of avoiding him and getting him out of my habit, I'd realize that the moment I close my eyes, it's still his face I see and it's him I dream about. And all the efforts I've made were just gone into waste. And waking up the next morning would mean another day of struggle on forgetting him and getting a life of my own... Labels: scribblings from me
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Behind Closed Doors
Behind closed doors, I seek retreat
away from the eyes I fear to meet.
Burned and overwhelmed with pain,
old feelings of regret and confusion remain.
Behind closed doors, I reside
deep-seated emotions stirring inside.
Nostalgic memories of old broken promises,
again smashing my heart into pieces.
Behind closed doors, tears pervade
as thoughts of you persist to invade.
Loving and hurting seem to come as one,
as I realized things could never have forever gone.
Behind closed doors, I thrive
willing myself to survive.
Caring for you in the only way I know,
loving you yet letting you go.
Behind closed doors, where I took refuge
that from which I now slowly emerge.
Leaving behind all the sorrow,
and learning to look towards tomorrow.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
September 1996
disclaimer: i wrote this a good 10 years ago, when i was a 15-year-old hopeless romantic. i'm now 25 (insisting to be 20 years old) and though i penned my last piece of poetry more than seven years ago, i am still every inch a hopeless romantic.Labels: poems, scribblings from me
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
9:03 PM
Saturday, January 06, 2007
My Little Baby
Once upon a time I had a little baby. I met him in April 2002, the summer before my fourth year in college, just a few months after he turned one. He's a smart little boy who loves to dance, clap, and talk, and he's a big eater who once cried and screamed his head off when he saw me walk away to take a call from my dad. He's a smart, sweet, and happy baby. He's my baby...my little Joseph.
Joseph was adopted and brought to Australia right before I graduated from college. I've never seen him or heard anything about him since then, not that I ever went back to the orphanage where I used to play with him for two hours a week, every week for almost a year. I know it's not anyone's fault, I even knew from the beginning that his adoption was bound to happen, but I got attached and having him leave hurts. I couldn't bring myself to go back because I figured if I don't see for myself that he's not there anymore, I can always pretend that he's still there but I'm just too busy to visit.
It's his sixth birthday today and I know he doesn't remember me or a single thing we did. But it's okay. I can remember for the two of us...
I remember playing blocks with him...I remember watching cartoons with him sitting on my lap...I remember helping him eat Jolly Spaghetti and Yumburger...I remember the swimming trip in Antipolo, the mini-concert on the Bel Field, and the Ecopark field trip in my old high school...most of all, I remember him falling asleep in my arms with me thinking that there really is nothing in the world more peaceful than having a child fall asleep in your arms.
Happy birthday my dearest baby. I know you don't remember me and probably will never have any memory of us spending time together, but know that there will always be someone here, back home, loving you, thinking of how you are, and praying for your well-being. Be good to your parents, okay? And be the best person you can be. How I wish I could see you today so I can give you a big birthday hug. I love you Joseph and I really, really miss you.
XOXOXOXOXOXOLabels: scribblings from me
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
6:42 AM
Friday, December 29, 2006
Of 365 Days and More
A week ago, I was looking forward to my first Christmas break in two years and hating the fact that three days before Christmas I have yet to do any Christmas shopping. A month ago, I was on my last shift in Trend Micro - editing my last VRs, cleaning out my locker, and packing away two years and nine months worth of junk. Exactly a year ago, we were in Mega Mall having dinner and laughing our hearts out watching Ako Legal Wife. I didn't even realize until I was on my way home yesterday that it's already been a year since that night you brought me home and I finally had you read my moving on letter.
In the past year, so much has changed in my life. I remember telling you that night, "malay mo this time next year marami ng nagbago, malay mo wala na ko sa Trend by then," and although I had an entirely different scenario in mind when I said that, in effect the same thing still happened. I am no longer with Trend Micro and it is at a much earlier time than I anticipated two months ago. You also started clerkship last April and we haven't seen each other since we went out on Valentine's Day. My world as I've always known it to be has changed, except I am still not over you and I have yet to let go of every what could have been and every what could still be in the past that we shared.
When I got home after we talked, I thought that was it. I thought I'd never see or talk to you again. But then Valentine's Day came along and the life I was rebuilding was shattered yet again. A friend asked me once if I'd still choose to go through everything that happened between us if I knew in the beginning how things would eventually turn out. I thought things over for awhile, going through in my mind every single happy and sad moment I had with and because of you, and I told her I wouldn't change anything. I'd still choose to go through every moment of those four years and I'd still choose to feel every bit of happiness and every bit of pain because with those came the lessons that brought me to where I am now.
The last 365 days were full of changes - some happy, mostly painful. I've changed and grown so much, not just in the past year but ever since that fateful day in September 2002, and I'd like you to know you were a big part of every transformation I went through. Despite everything, thank you. Thank you for the love that though not mine, made me feel special even for just that moment in my life; thank you for the happy memories that never failed to make me smile; thank you for the pain that made me stronger; and most of all, thank you for the truth that made me realize I have a choice. I've always had a choice and four years ago, I chose to love you.
XOXOXOXOXOXOLabels: scribblings from me
Friday, December 15, 2006
The Post-Trend Experience
I started my new job last December 5 and though everything's been pleasant enough for me, I must admit that there are things that I miss. As I told one of my ex-officemates, I am Trend-sick.
Before I actually left Trend, I knew I'd miss the network shares, but what I wasn't able to anticipate was how much I'd actually miss it. There are no network shares to speak of in EMCI. We also don't get to have administrator access to our own PCs, the sounds have been disabled, and our PCs do not recognize external drives. We cannot install anything without the IT knowing about it simply because they are the only ones who have install capabilities on all PCs in the office. I can't listen to MP3s on my PC because the sounds have been disabled, not that we'd even get to put MP3 files in our hard drives because, unless you send your MP3s to your yahoo email address, there's no way any external drive can be opened on the PC.
On a positive note though, no flash drives mean we're not expected to bring any work home. I have AIM installed on my PC, and recently our Project Manager requested for YM and Skype, and I can still play [at least briefly] neopets and blog my heart out, so I'm pretty much okay. As an additional perk, I get to have my own cubicle and my own set of drawers this time.
I miss my old work schedule. I miss being able to go to the mall, to Ateneo, to Quiapo, to Divisoria, to basically wherever I please, during weekdays without worrying over any traffic or weekend crowds. I also used to be able to stay up all night and not worry about work the following day. But I love flexi-time. I love arriving at work early in the morning and leaving the office before rush hour begins. I've also learned to sleep during the long FX ride to and from the office. My transportation expenses have more than doubled since I started working in Makati [from 800 a month to 2,000 a month] but I've stopped eating out and started bringing lunch to the office and oddly, my overall expenses have decreased.
I enjoy having my weekends and holidays back, not to mention being able to schedule gimmicks with friends because I finally have a normal work schedule. This December is the first time in two years that I wouldn't be spending part of Christmas or New Year anywhere near the office. I will sort of miss it though because Christmas and New Year in Trend is a lot of fun. But then again, it's okay. I'm perfectly fine where I am.
This will sound weird, but I miss the noisy work environment in Trend. I miss the sudden bursts of laughter, the noisy chatter, and the work, chat, talk, and eat at the same time habits of everyone in the office. EMCI is so freaking quiet that I sometimes hate walking around because the clip clop sounds of my boots echo in the hallway. I also find it hard to adjust to the fact that barely anything is communal. I have my own mug, my own stash of toilet paper, and my own sponge and bottle of dishwashing liquid inside my drawer. And as far as officemates are concerned, I really miss the people in Trend - with the little tiffs and YM status wars, the little practical jokes, and the surprise emails you get in your mailbox that liven up an otherwise boring shift. Every time I see an unlocked PC in EMCI, I smile to myself because I know that had that happened in Trend, especially in my old shift, that unfortunate and forgetful being would have already been the butt of a joke known as the "I've always loved you pare" email, with everyone else in the BCC field.
Trend wasn't my first job and I always knew Trend wasn't the status quo as far as companies go, but I did stay for almost three years and I know I have a lot of adjusting to do. It's just kind of ironic that a security company like Trend Micro is a whole lot more lax as far as PC rights and work environment is concerned.
Right now, I barely know anyone in EMCI and even after two weeks in the office, I still do not consider myself settled, especially since I have yet to do anything productive [unless you count the 39 pages worth of movie and TV show quotes that I was able to compile as I pretended to be busy and occupied]. But I know I will settle in eventually, make new friends, and get used to a new environment and a new routine. I am still in the process of getting over my Trend-sickness and I am not ashamed to say so. One of my ex-officemates, who resigned before I did, said that getting out of Trend is like having a breath of fresh air. I never said I hated Trend, I just said I was tired. My almost three years in the company, though not smooth-sailing, wasn't all that bad. I have a lot of good memories that I wouldn't exchange even for the highest-paying job in the world.
I miss Trend, I miss the people, and I miss my old routine. But though I wouldn't change anything that happened even if I could rewrite history, I know in my heart that I am not willing to go back. I may not yet be adjusted, but I'm okay. Trend Micro will always be a part of who I am but I have moved on and there's no turning back.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
today is the effectivity date of my resignation. i am officially no longer an employee of Trend Micro...Labels: scribblings from me, work-related
Monday, October 02, 2006
My Message in a Bottle
My dearest Hugs,
UAAP season has just ended and Ateneo has lost the Championship to UST. A million memories have been flooding back in my mind since the finals series began more than a week ago - memories of college and memories of happy moments with you.
The other day, a friend asked me if I can remember the last time I was happy with you. And without even stopping to think twice, I said Valentine's Day. After all, that was the last time we were together. You treated me to dinner and took a cab home with me afterwards. It was a pleasant surprise and to this day, I have no idea why you did the things you did for me that night. No regrets though, it was a wonderful date and I am thankful even just for that one night.
During the typhoon, with nothing else to do but think, I realized how pathetic I have been the past four years. Time and again I told myself that I want to let everything go, that I really owe it to myself to move on. But then, if I'd just be honest with myself, I'd admit that despite knowing what I should do, moving on scares the hell out of me. I knew, for four years, how I felt for you and even if for a great part of those years I didn't know exactly where we stood, I held on to the familiarity of the situation. I stubbornly held on to the hope that one day you'd realize how much I mean to you and when that day comes we can finally give what might have been another a chance.
I don't know what I'm writing this for, I doubt if you'd even get to read this. All I'm certain of is that I love you and I'm still hoping. I know that whoever gets to read this would scold me for feeling the way I do, but saying differently would be a lie. I'm not proud of it, I know what should be, but it's how I feel and I stand by it.
'Til the next time my Hugs.
Yours, Kisses
P.S.
You know, I haven't called you that for longer than I can remember and I really miss it. I really miss you.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
if you can't let go now, either you never will or you're not supposed to...
Labels: scribblings from me
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Disillusionment
i think i've just been disillusioned a million times over...
i hate it every time life reminds me that people are not always what they seem to be, that i can't and shouldn't take things or people at face value. i hate it when something happens and i realize that the people i always thought i can trust with my life are not worthy of my trust in the first place. i hate it when all i want to do is sit in a corner and cry my eyes out, and i can't do so because such an act will merely spawn a million more controversies and uncalled for comments.
unfortunately, i move in a circle where one is condemned for being concerned about having everything the way it should be and damnation welcomes the one who actually voices out concerns, no matter how legitimate they may be. to anyone who ever took offense on anything i got concerned about - i'm sorry. i'm sorry i ever used the brains i was born with and i'm sorry i ever stood by the principles instilled in me by 17 years of catholic education.
i always thought i already had everyone's number, that nothing anyone can do will disillusion me anymore than i already am. but i guess the joke's on me again. apparently, some things are still capable of penetrating the shell i built around myself, that the things i always thought i've already accepted can still make me want to cry and throw whatever i get my hands on. apparently, i still am vulnerable, naive, and idealistic.
it happened in high school, it happened in college, and it's happening again now. history repeats itself, yet again. maybe because i never really learned my lesson in the first place...
XOXOXOXOXOXO
if you're a serpent slithering around my little paradise, please reveal yourself before i get complacent and trusting again - before i retreat into my naive little world again...Labels: scribblings from me, work-related
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Chasing Dreams
On a regular basis I hear people talking about their dreams - plans for the future they want to work on, jobs they want to apply for, careers they want to shift to. And I feel bad not being able to take part in the conversation. It's not that I'm not working on something for my future, because I am, but it's not something I can honestly say I always wanted. In fact, I can't even count how many times I said that I made my decision through a process of elimination, kind of like choosing the least evil of all my available options.
I've always envied people who can want something bad enough that they'd be willing to risk everything just for a chance to realize a dream. I'd sit in my seminars and review classes and everytime I'd look around the room, I'd feel this surge of guilt. I have the resources, the means, and the support to go through with everything but I can't even confidently answer my dad when he asked me if I'm dead set on it. Honestly, I'm not.
When I decided on this way back November, I told myself it's a step towards letting you go. I even swallowed my pride enough so I can ask you once and for all if there's still a chance for us. And when you said there's someone else you like, I took that as a sign that I made the right decision, that it is time to finally close that part of my life. I may have still been half-hearted with my decision but at least my mind was made up, at least from a completely intellectual point of view, you have just become a dream I am no longer chasing. I wasn't happy with how things were going but I had a peace of mind that came from knowing for sure where I stand in your life. I can now have my life back and I can now work on my future with a clear conscience because the biggest issue keeping me bound here has been settled.
Then you had to come and destroy everything. I don't know if it's just a sick joke that you, life, or fate is playing on me, but I am not finding it the least bit funny. I mean, if it's a no, let's keep it there and not do anything that tilts the scale towards maybe. I am confused and tentative. Again. I have not stopped working towards my goal but I am delaying things, and that's just as bad. I want to clear things up with you but I don't know if I'll be given another alone time with you. I hope I get to talk it over with you though, before it either gets too late to actually do anything or before I drive myself nuts trying to make heads and tails of it.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
i wish i could stop holding on to the smallest and most insignificant things...i wish i could stop chasing dreams of a future i am not meant to have...i wish i could stop dreaming of you... Labels: scribblings from me
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
3:06 AM
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Of Valentine's Day and Dinner Invitations
I was pleasantly surprised when you texted asking me if I was doing anything that night. Honestly, I had second thoughts about accepting your dinner invitation - not because I didn't want to see you, but because seeing you on that particular day might not be in my best interest. At first I thought your text was a missent message but after awhile, I realized the initial text message was really for me. Then I thought that for some weird reason, you're probably not aware that it was Valentine's day, but as we walked to where we finally decided to have dinner, apparently you knew what that day was.
Dinner was very light and a lot of fun. We didn't talk about anything remotely serious. The conversation was mostly about other people and that TV series you got me hooked on. And it is kind of funny because the last time we were together, I was telling you about the three years of pathetic waiting I did and you were apologizing for having to tell me that there's no chance for us anymore.
I was happy to see you and to spend more time with you, but the night left me kind of confused.
You said there's someone else you like, but you asked me to dinner on Valentine's day. I doubt you're not aware that Valentine's day is usually spent either with a group of friends in a singles' night out gimmick, or in a date with somebody you like in a romantic way. And to think that the entire night even required a whole lot of extra effort from you. I mean, it was a Tuesday, which is a school night and you mentioned having an exam the next day. Then you suggested meeting in Mega Mall when you know you'd be commuting from UST. After you paid for our dinner, which you've never done before, you offered to ride home with me because you knew I was a bit apprehensive to take a cab alone at night.
I don't know what to make of everything. Were we just two friends who both happened to be free that night and then decided to have dinner together? Or were we actually out on a romantic date? I mean, did you ask me out as a good friend or as a girl you like? I don't want to give a deeper meaning to everything you did because I don't want to find myself waiting for you again. Try as I might, I can't reconcile the thought that you'd ask me out as a good friend when you very well know how I feel. You must have at least had some idea that asking me out that night might reopen a supposedly closed book. I must admit that I still love you more than anyone else in the world, and I know I have yet to completely move on, but I've already mapped out a future that doesn't include you. I don't want to change my plans just to later realize that yet again, it was all for nothing.
After we talked late last year, I conditioned myself to think that, that night would be the last time we'd see each other in at least a year. I honestly thought that night was already goodbye. I also believed, for the longest time, that you would do anything for us not to be left alone. Several times in the past, you even cancelled gimmicks at the eleventh hour just because it was down to the two of us. Then suddenly here you were asking me if I wanted to have dinner with you on Valentine's day, and this is despite knowing it will only be the two of us.
The night felt like a date, and it scares the hell out of me to think that your dinner invitation may have been spurred by guilty feelings - that you asked me out only because you felt you owed it to me. I want you to know I never blamed you for anything that happened. I know that loving you and waiting for you is my choice. What we had may have just been a pseudo-relationship, but I'll always treasure the memories because I felt the sincerity, if not the rationality, behind everything - behind every hug, every smile, and every text message we exchanged. It's enough for me to know that what we had was not my imagination, that the reason it didn't turn into something is because the timing just wasn't right. I don't think I deserve a night that felt like a date but wasn't really one. I don't want empty consolations and I don't want you to feel you owe me anything other than what is real.
I don't know what your intentions and your motivations were and I don't know if I have enough courage left in me to ask. More to the point, I'm not even sure if I am actually ready to hear the answer, whatever the answer might turn out to be.
But just the same, thank you for asking me to dinner - for sharing your Valentine's day with me. I had a lovely time. And thanks for seeing me home, even if it meant taking a cab from Mega Mall to my place and then riding the same cab back to your condo near UST. I know it took you twice the time to get back to your place than it would have had you gone straight back after we had dinner. You don't know how much I appreciate the gesture given the fact that you've always hated going out without a car. Most of all, thank you for making me believe in what you've always told me, that regardless of how things turned out between us, you still care for me.
I've always loved seeing you and spending time with you, and I don't think I'll ever get tired of doing the same things with you. But if spending time with you now means going on guilt-motivated dates, I think I'd rather not see you for awhile. I'd rather not taint the memories I have of you and of the past we shared. I would just rather that you take time out to think about the implications of your actions before doing anything else, especially since there are real feelings and emotions involved.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
my memories of you and of our past are more than memories to me now...they are souvenirs of a love i know i will never again experience... Labels: scribblings from me
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
3:11 AM
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Aftermaths
I spent the last day of my 2005 crying in front of the pc here in the office and though not even once have I cried since then, the pain hasn't really gone away. There's still a dull ache within me, a heavy feeling that isn't enough to make me cry again yet a heaviness that wouldn't go away.
I've lost count of how many times in the past three years I've prayed for us to get together - minus the ambiguity...minus the complexities. I thought that after we talked last December 29 and after hearing you practically say that what we had was just a moment in our past, I'd finally stop asking for a miracle. But here I am, roughly 13 days and 11 hours after you brought me home, still asking for the same thing, and not even knowing that there is someone else has deterred my faith one bit. It may be pigheaded of me to keep doing so, but I'd still close my eyes and whisper a short prayer for that future with you that I want.
I wish I could stop though. I wish I'd stop hoping so I could focus on the other parts of my life that for three years took a backseat to you. I wish I'd stop missing you, and I wish I'd stop looking back and start building a future that can be complete even without you.
I had a long breakfast with an old friend late last year and when I told him where I might be in a year or so, he said I'm running away. A few days after, my best friend said the same thing. I would like to think that I'm just finally getting on with my life, but even if they're right and I am running away, I hope they'd let me be. A part of me wants to forget I ever considered leaving, but another part of me cherishes the thought of getting to start over in a new place. A place without you and a place without memories of you scattered all over.
Friends always said I'm blessed with a memory that hardly forgets anything. But now, that blessing has become a curse. It makes me remember how it felt to be in your arms and how it was to have my hand in yours. It keeps me reminded of how I've fallen in love with you and not noticed it happened. And it keeps alive every memory I have of every single place we've gone to and of every single thing we did. It wouldn't allow me to forget how beautiful things were in the beginning and how ugly things got because of that one act I did that made you change your mind about us. I'd take one look at the things around me and I'd realize how much I love you and how big a part of my life you still are.
I long for the day when I can visit the places we used to go to and not be painfully reminded of you, when I can think of you and not think of how it is to hold your hand again, and when I can look at you in the eyes and not think of the beautiful relationship we could have had. If I could sleep and wake up when it's all over, I'd gladly do so. At least then there'll be no regrets, no pain, and no pigheaded prayer for a future with you I'll probably never have.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
a friend once said, we never get what we want...we only get a glimpse of what we feel is ours...*sigh* Labels: scribblings from me
Monday, January 02, 2006
Farewell My Love
I'm glad I finally gathered enough courage to have you read the moving on letter I wrote for you almost two years ago. Amidst one of the most comfortable dinners I've ever had with you, amidst one of the funniest movies I've watched, and amidst the most familiar of environments, I'm glad I didn't chicken out. More than anything else, I'm glad I was able to let you know in not so many words that I have silently loved you all these years.
I prepared myself to hear the worst and I did. I got answers to the questions I've wanted to ask for a while now. And like I already told you, even if I had to ask if you ever played me, I knew in my heart that you wouldn't be capable of doing that to anybody. It's just that in the darkest of hours and you weren't there to reassure me, I did consider that possibility. I'm sorry I ever doubted you and the way I know you.
I also got the truth that I badly needed to hear. You may have already gotten over the girl who used to stand between us, but there is someone else who's making you smile. And if you're happy with her, then I'm happy for you. I really hope you'll do things right this time.
It kills me to hear you say that there is no chance for us anymore. It saddens me to realize that we may have had something beautiful, but it came at a time when you weren't ready for it. For more than three years, I vainly held on to something I knew at the back of my mind should have just remained in the past. I held on to what I thought we had, to that moment I now know I will have to let go of.
I may not have gotten the answers I wanted but at least I know that the moment we shared, fleeting as it was, is real. Your honesty has also given me the chance to take back my life and my future - a life that I built around you and a future that I built with you in it.
I've always had a hard time moving on so I know the next few months wouldn't be easy. The love I gave you for the past three years made you more important to me than anybody else and it is this same love that I am hoping will bring me the acceptance I need to finally move on.
I wish with all my heart that the night we talked wouldn't be the last time we'd see each other. It pains me to know that in less than a year I might be leaving my world as I've always known it to be. And that when the time comes for me to leave, no matter how much I may wish to see you for the last time, I am not in any position to demand anything from you.
I pray that the Lord grant me the grace to love again and to receive the love I know I deserve.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
farewell to you my love...we shall see each other again on the day only fate knows when...Labels: scribblings from me, snapshots
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
3:20 PM
Saturday, December 31, 2005
My Moving On Letter
[reposted]
This is my way of moving on, of saying goodbye to a love that was never meant to be and was never mine to begin with.
You know, I've never really understood what happened between us...how and why we came to this - not seeing each other for months at a time, barely talking, barely even on speaking terms. But then again, was there ever an us to begin with? We were just friends who kidded about having a relationship. It made us laugh to see others' reactions every time we'd tell them we've gotten together and that we call each other Hugs and Kisses. You always referred to me as "girlfriend ko" but we both know there's really nothing to it, or at least that was what we owed up to the rest of the world. Even now it would make me smile to think how fast and how far things have gone from there.
We started spending a lot of time together, talking, eating, and playing bridge...we would always choose to closely sit next to each other with your arm around my shoulders and my hand on your lap...we would hold hands and be very affectionate with each other...we even had private jokes that we didn't want to explain or share with anyone else...and every moment we spent together was fun even if we weren't doing anything at all. Friends say that there's this tenderness with which we look at each other, a twinkle in our eyes and a soft smile on our lips that held so much promise...but what we had was never formalized, no words were spoken, nothing clarified nor explicitly admitted. We were playing mind games practically all the way.
I never knew if you loved me back, I never asked. At first it was because I truly believed there wasn't anything out of the ordinary that needed questioning, and when it finally dawned on me, it was too late. You seemed to have changed your mind already. From this point onwards, things went from happy, even blissful, to downright ugly. Suddenly it was as if we didn't know each other. You stayed as far away from me as possible. This time I wanted to talk, clear things up once and for all, but you didn't want to. And no matter what I say, everything falls on deaf ears. Eventually, I thought it was better to keep my silence, to just give you the space you're asking for.
But though I may not have said anything...I loved you with all my heart, and love you still, but I'm tired - I'm tired of fighting for a love that has lived its moment...of living on memories that are special only to me...
Thank you for everything...for taking away my insecurities; for showing me that people do love me for who I am; for making me understand that people I love will hurt me but it doesn't necessarily mean they love me any less, and that when they do hurt me, it is possible to forgive, forget and move on with life; for making me realize it is possible to trust again after getting hurt. Thank you too for giving me the most painful lesson in my life thus far...that the moment you love someone you have given him the capacity to hurt you, that how much you hurt is equal to how much you have loved, that getting hurt is proportionate to having too many expectations. Thank you for accepting me and allowing me enough room to grow at the same time...for inspiring me and making me want to become a better person. Thank you for being there when I needed you - for the silly and the serious moments; for making me laugh, smile and cry all at the same time; for holding my hand when I'm nervous or scared; for giving me a hug and wiping away my tears when I'm sad or confused; for never failing to make me feel better no matter how down or how depressed I've become; for unselfishly sharing my joys and my happiness. Most of all, thank you for making me feel special, for making me feel loved, even if it was so ambiguous and so fleeting I was hardly conscious about it.
I'm sorry things had to come to this - I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you after all, and I wasn't supposed to expect anything to come out of our playing pretend either. But even if everything got so painful, I'm still glad to have known you, to have had you in my life even for just a short while. I've heard people say that while some good things never last others don't even start - I guess that fits us exactly...we could have been good together...good for each other, but then since we never really gave ourselves a chance, things had ended before they even began.
I'm letting you go, I'm letting us go. I've finally accepted that this is the way things would have to be, that i should allow us both to be free enough to seek whatever it is that will truly make us happy. Even if it isn't with each other.
I must admit you probably won't be too far away from my thoughts, and that thinking of you will still bring that tinge of sadness and regret. But I'm okay. I will be okay. Loving again may take awhile though. For now, I'd concentrate on healing myself, on making myself complete on my own - so that when the right one finally comes, I'll be able to give myself to him as I would have wanted to give myself to you.
Wherever life may lead us from here...good luck!
XOXOXOXOXOXO
recent events made reposting this necessary. thanks for being honest, even if you knew you'd be hurting me with the truth.Labels: scribblings from me
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
3:45 PM
Monday, November 14, 2005
What If...
One of the saddest things that can happen to you is when your ex-boyfriend tells you the night before his wedding..."This could have been us!"
I got that quote a few years back and I remembered it while I was talking to my officemate about a scenario she gave me. She said, what if the night before my wedding you suddenly get to read all the letters I wrote for you that I never gave, and you finally decide to tell me you've loved me all these years but was just too scared to do anything about it. I really don't know what I'd do given that scenario. I guess it all depends on how I feel about you then and how much I love my would-be husband. Somehow though, I don't think I'd even consider marrying somebody if I know I have yet to let go of a past love. But then again, who can say for sure, right?
It'll be so sad if at the moment you finally get up the courage to owe up to what you feel for me I haven't just given you up, I've also decided to love someone who was brave enough to love me in return. I wish our story won't have to get to that point. I hope that when and if the day comes that you realize you have feelings for me after all, I still care for you enough to take the risk of loving again. Most of all, I hope that by then I'm still free enough to actually make a choice.
XOXOXOXOXOXOLabels: scribblings from me, snapshots
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
2:29 AM
Saturday, November 05, 2005
On Fairy Tales and Happy Endings
Even as a little girl, I reveled in the promise of santa claus, in the magic of the tooth fairy, and in the romance of fairy tales. Deep in my heart, I always believed that one day I would meet my prince and when I do, I'm going to have my happy ending.
Ours was not a picture-perfect beginning. In fact, I never really saw you as someone who could be part of my fairy tale. You were nothing but a near-stranger, a friend of a friend. But when you held my hand and wiped away my tears, you broke through the defenses that I never even knew were there. You became my prince, the man I believed I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. I prayed and wished with all my heart that it was just a matter of time before you'd realize that we were made for each other, that I am your princess.
I waited patiently. I held off plans and postponed making decisions. I wanted to accommodate your plans and I wanted us to make decisions together. I took whatever you could give, no matter how little it was and no matter how rarely it came my way. I put my life on hold as I waited at the sidelines and watched you fulfill your dreams. As the months turned into years, you became my world but the situation has remained the same. You were there living your life and I was here building a future around the belief that in the end it would be the two of us. But regardless of how much time went by and how hard I hoped, you were one wish my fairy godmother was not able to grant. You were one unanswered prayer.
Save for that moment we shared, you never saw me as your princess. I refuse to entertain the thought that I was just a game for you, that you never cared, and that everything was a nightmare pretending to be a dream. I refuse to accept that you'd intentionally hurt me. I would rather believe you genuinely cared but somewhere along the way something happened that made you change your mind about us. I'd rather tell myself that this is life's way of telling me that real life is no fairy tale, and that maybe it's time for the little girl to finally grow up.
I think I have grown up. I think that the pain of accepting the reality that lay before my eyes made sure of that. And it makes me feel better to know that despite everything, deep inside I will still be that little girl who persists in dreaming of fairy tales and happy endings. But my life would now go on despite the pain and despite your absence.
I'd be lying if I say that I'd no longer be waiting for you because being with you is still my heart's most fervent wish. I wouldn't be waiting by the window though, not anymore. I will go my own way, building a life away from you, away from your plans, and away from your dreams. I might be leaving you behind, but I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that one day, maybe far-off in the distant future, our paths would cross again. And if that day comes, things might be different - perhaps in another time and in another place, you'll finally see me as your princess.
But if the road will not lead us back to each other, I'll know that you are not the prince meant for me, that you will just remain my unanswered prayer. I'll know then that my fairy tale has not yet ended - you're just another chapter closed and just another lesson painfully learned. You are not my prince, I am not your princess, and you are not the happy ending I always dreamt of.
XOXOXOXOXOXO Labels: scribblings from me
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Happy Birthday!
It's your birthday today and for the first time since 2002, I didn't attempt to call you at midnight and greet you. I contented myself with sending you a forwarded happy birthday text message. I don't know if you received my message though...because you never texted back. Not that you're obligated to respond or anything, it's just that during your past birthdays you would always reply thank you to my messages. I couldn't help but wonder what happened for you to react differently this year.When I decided not to call you like I used to do, I told myself I'm doing it because I would really want to start moving on. That's the mantra I kept repeating to myself the entire day. But I still can't stop myself from checking my phone every hour or so to see if you texted. Pathetic. I know.
For awhile now, I've been toying with the idea of telling you, once and for all, three years worth of everything - how I feel, what I think happened, and where I am now. I want to demand honest answers to my questions and finally put an end to this silent and painful vigil. But I'm scared. I'm scared that telling you everything will drive you away for good. I'm scared of losing what little I have now. I'm scared of losing you, even though I never really had you in the first place. Most of all, I'm scared of myself...of what I'm capable of doing. I'm scared that I would find myself breaking down in front of you and begging you for a chance. I'm scared of seeing my mask slip away, of watching my pride crumble before my eyes...XOXOXOXOXOXOfor him whom i hold close to my heart...happy birthdayLabels: scribblings from me, snapshots
