Thursday, March 30, 2006
Chasing Dreams
On a regular basis I hear people talking about their dreams - plans for the future they want to work on, jobs they want to apply for, careers they want to shift to. And I feel bad not being able to take part in the conversation. It's not that I'm not working on something for my future, because I am, but it's not something I can honestly say I always wanted. In fact, I can't even count how many times I said that I made my decision through a process of elimination, kind of like choosing the least evil of all my available options.I've always envied people who can want something bad enough that they'd be willing to risk everything just for a chance to realize a dream. I'd sit in my seminars and review classes and everytime I'd look around the room, I'd feel this surge of guilt. I have the resources, the means, and the support to go through with everything but I can't even confidently answer my dad when he asked me if I'm dead set on it. Honestly, I'm not.
When I decided on this way back November, I told myself it's a step towards letting you go. I even swallowed my pride enough so I can ask you once and for all if there's still a chance for us. And when you said there's someone else you like, I took that as a sign that I made the right decision, that it is time to finally close that part of my life. I may have still been half-hearted with my decision but at least my mind was made up, at least from a completely intellectual point of view, you have just become a dream I am no longer chasing. I wasn't happy with how things were going but I had a peace of mind that came from knowing for sure where I stand in your life. I can now have my life back and I can now work on my future with a clear conscience because the biggest issue keeping me bound here has been settled.
Then you had to come and destroy everything. I don't know if it's just a sick joke that you, life, or fate is playing on me, but I am not finding it the least bit funny. I mean, if it's a no, let's keep it there and not do anything that tilts the scale towards maybe. I am confused and tentative. Again. I have not stopped working towards my goal but I am delaying things, and that's just as bad. I want to clear things up with you but I don't know if I'll be given another alone time with you. I hope I get to talk it over with you though, before it either gets too late to actually do anything or before I drive myself nuts trying to make heads and tails of it.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
i wish i could stop holding on to the smallest and most insignificant things...i wish i could stop chasing dreams of a future i am not meant to have...i wish i could stop dreaming of you...
Labels: scribblings from me
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @ 3:06 AM
3 Comments
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said @ 3/30/2006 8:45 PM
Ang saklap naman ng lovelife mo. I guess that's the more difficult part of being a girl. By social norms, hindi ka puedeng manligaw ng lalaki.
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said @ 3/31/2006 12:02 AM
You know, I think he is just playing on your emotions. I believe that NO is NO. And there's no turning back. But that's just me.
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said @ 3/31/2006 12:15 PM
some unsolicited advice: don't freeze your life because of a single person who's already told you there's nothing there for you. chase your dreams, those that don't include him. or better yet come up with new dreams for yourself. be brave, don't let fear and the past paralyze you. stop picking at scabs.
