Thursday, August 26, 2010
Tangled Thoughts
A little over a year ago I was asked what would make me stay. I don't remember giving an answer and I highly doubt if I did. It just didn't seem that important then. I had no idea that not even six months after that I'd be engaged in an internal struggle whether to stay or leave - that suddenly there would be an urgency to figuring out the answer to that question.
A part of me wants to stay - I've actually already imagined myself growing old in this company and maybe even in this team. But events over the past year made me think if I am really where I should be.
None of the projects I've had in the past three years required the skill sets I was hired into the company for. I worked my ass off last year, accepting a scope that should have been handled by multiple teams each with several members. Deep in my heart I knew what I deserved and when I didn't get it, I wanted to leave. I felt that my efforts were not given due importance and recognition; that I was not getting respect for what I've done and what I've given. Despite these ill feelings though, I stayed. I stayed because I knew the project needed me.
But I don't have that excuse anymore.
It's been almost a month since I've transitioned out of the project I've nurtured for two years and I'm still grasping at what my day would be. Yes there are projects coming in but I don't know what my level of involvement will be with those projects or if I'll be involved at all. I've been here long enough to know that there is a picture in his mind of the whole team, of what each member's role is, but he seems to have forgotten that I cannot read his mind. He seems to have overlooked the fact that he has not yet painted the big picture for me, that he has not yet explained to me how I fit into that big picture.
I love details and the uncertainty of everything is stressing me out. It doesn't help either that I am in between projects with a lot of time to kill. Weird as it sounds, I do not enjoy having a lot of time on my hands because it is during these idle moments that the antsy feelings come back to haunt me. I already told myself that I will stay, at least give myself until the end of the year to get used to life post-transition and then re-evaluate whether to stay or leave. But my commitment is being sorely tested as I battle conflicting feelings and thoughts, a number of which are telling me to leave and seek greener pastures.
I'm still trying to hold on though. I'm still trying to find reasons to stay no matter how trivial or inconsequential. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that at end of it all the reasons to stay will outweigh the reasons to leave.
But until then, I'm here waiting, twiddling my thumbs until the next project begins, until I find my niche in the team again.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOLabels: scribblings from me, work-related
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
5:30 PM
Monday, March 10, 2008
Conflicted, Drained, and Scared Shitless
There are so many conflicting thoughts and emotions within me that I desperately want to resolve or at the very least share with someone. But I can't resolve anything because their resolution doesn't lie within my hands. And for the life of me, I don't know who I want to talk with regarding everything. I'm usually good at knowing who I want to talk to but at this point, I'm so confused and unsure of things that I can't even determine who I think can give me comfort.
I'm physically tired with the long hours I spent in the office last week but I'm even more emotionally drained with the things going on at home and at the office. I can't cry at home like I used to because I have to be strong for my siblings and for my mom and I have to keep my wits at the office because one project after the other is starting and ending. I've never been really good at hiding the surges of emotion that I'm quite prone to having and right now I'm struggling to keep up my facade that's crumbling with every minute I spend sitting at my desk.
I have never been scared about the future and I have never wanted to run away from knowing the truth. Experience after all has taught me that however painful the truth is, it's better to know how things actually are than to keep wondering where things stand. But I'm scared shitless for the coming weeks. I'm scared of how things will eventually turn out at home and I'm scared of how things will get resolved at the office. I crave for stability and consistency even in just one part of my life and the uncertainty I'm faced with in every direction is making it hard for me to deal with what's going on.
XOXOXOXOXOXOLabels: scribblings from me, work-related
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
4:30 PM
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Love Your Job but Never Fall in Love with Your Company
I got this from a friend of a friend's multiply blog. It's a good read as well as a good reminder to us lowly workaholic corporate slaves. It's an excerpt from Mr. Narayana Murthy’s speech during a Mentor Session.
Mr. Narayana Murthy is the CEO of a premier IT company in India. He is one of the top 50 influential people in Asia according to the Asiaweek publication. Mr. Murthy is also the new IT advisor to the Thai Prime Minister.
Love Your Job but Never Fall in Love with Your Company because You'll Never Know when Your Company will Stop Loving You
I know people who work 12 hours a day, six days a week, or more. Some people do so because of a work emergency where the long hours are only temporary. Other people I know have put in these hours for years. I don’t know if they are working all these hours, but I do know that they are in the office this long.
Others put in long office hours because they are addicted to the workplace. Whatever the reason for putting in overtime, working long hours over the long term is harmful to the person and to the organization. There are things a manager can do to change this for everyone’s benefit.
Being in the office for long hours, over long periods of time, makes way for potential errors. My colleagues who are in the office long hours frequently make mistakes caused by fatigue. Correcting these mistakes requires their time as well as the time and energy of others. I have seen people work Tuesday through Friday to correct mistakes made after 5pm on Monday.
Another problem is that people who are in the office long hours are not pleasant company. They often complain about other people (who aren’t working as hard); they are irritable, or cranky or even angry. Other people avoid them. Such behavior poses problems, where work goes much better when people work together instead of avoiding one another. As managers, there are things we can do to help people leave the office.
First and foremost is to set the example and go home ourselves. I work with a manager who chides people for working long hours. His words quickly lose their meaning when he sends these chiding group emails with a time-stamp of 2am. Sunday.
Second is to encourage people to put some balance in their lives. For instance, here is a guideline I find helpful:
1. Wake up, eat a good breakfast and go to work.
2. Work hard and smart for eight or nine hours.
3. Go home.
4. Read books/comics, watch a funny movie, dig in the dirt, play with your kids, etc.
5. Eat well and sleep well.
This is called recreating. Doing steps 1, 3, 4, and 5 enable 2. Working regular hours and recreating daily are simple concepts. They are hard for some of us because that requires ‘personal change.’ They are possible since we all have the power to choose to do them. In considering the issue of overtime, I am reminded of my oldest son. When he was a toddler, if people were visiting the apartment, he would not fall asleep no matter how long the visit, and no matter what time of the day it was. He would fight off sleep until the visitors left. It was as if he was afraid that he would miss something. Once our visitor’s left, he would go to sleep. By this time, however, he was overtired and would scream half the night with nightmares. He, my wife, and I, all paid the price for his fear of missing out. Perhaps some people put in such long hours because they don’t want to miss anything when they leave the office. The trouble with this is that events will never stop happening. That is life. Things happen 24 hours a day. Allowing for little rest is not ultimately practical. Things will happen while you’re asleep, but you will have the energy to catch up when you wake up.
Hence, love your job but never fall in love with your company.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
by Narayana MurthyLabels: articles, work-related
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
2:42 PM
Friday, December 15, 2006
The Post-Trend Experience
I started my new job last December 5 and though everything's been pleasant enough for me, I must admit that there are things that I miss. As I told one of my ex-officemates, I am Trend-sick.
Before I actually left Trend, I knew I'd miss the network shares, but what I wasn't able to anticipate was how much I'd actually miss it. There are no network shares to speak of in EMCI. We also don't get to have administrator access to our own PCs, the sounds have been disabled, and our PCs do not recognize external drives. We cannot install anything without the IT knowing about it simply because they are the only ones who have install capabilities on all PCs in the office. I can't listen to MP3s on my PC because the sounds have been disabled, not that we'd even get to put MP3 files in our hard drives because, unless you send your MP3s to your yahoo email address, there's no way any external drive can be opened on the PC.
On a positive note though, no flash drives mean we're not expected to bring any work home. I have AIM installed on my PC, and recently our Project Manager requested for YM and Skype, and I can still play [at least briefly] neopets and blog my heart out, so I'm pretty much okay. As an additional perk, I get to have my own cubicle and my own set of drawers this time.
I miss my old work schedule. I miss being able to go to the mall, to Ateneo, to Quiapo, to Divisoria, to basically wherever I please, during weekdays without worrying over any traffic or weekend crowds. I also used to be able to stay up all night and not worry about work the following day. But I love flexi-time. I love arriving at work early in the morning and leaving the office before rush hour begins. I've also learned to sleep during the long FX ride to and from the office. My transportation expenses have more than doubled since I started working in Makati [from 800 a month to 2,000 a month] but I've stopped eating out and started bringing lunch to the office and oddly, my overall expenses have decreased.
I enjoy having my weekends and holidays back, not to mention being able to schedule gimmicks with friends because I finally have a normal work schedule. This December is the first time in two years that I wouldn't be spending part of Christmas or New Year anywhere near the office. I will sort of miss it though because Christmas and New Year in Trend is a lot of fun. But then again, it's okay. I'm perfectly fine where I am.
This will sound weird, but I miss the noisy work environment in Trend. I miss the sudden bursts of laughter, the noisy chatter, and the work, chat, talk, and eat at the same time habits of everyone in the office. EMCI is so freaking quiet that I sometimes hate walking around because the clip clop sounds of my boots echo in the hallway. I also find it hard to adjust to the fact that barely anything is communal. I have my own mug, my own stash of toilet paper, and my own sponge and bottle of dishwashing liquid inside my drawer. And as far as officemates are concerned, I really miss the people in Trend - with the little tiffs and YM status wars, the little practical jokes, and the surprise emails you get in your mailbox that liven up an otherwise boring shift. Every time I see an unlocked PC in EMCI, I smile to myself because I know that had that happened in Trend, especially in my old shift, that unfortunate and forgetful being would have already been the butt of a joke known as the "I've always loved you pare" email, with everyone else in the BCC field.
Trend wasn't my first job and I always knew Trend wasn't the status quo as far as companies go, but I did stay for almost three years and I know I have a lot of adjusting to do. It's just kind of ironic that a security company like Trend Micro is a whole lot more lax as far as PC rights and work environment is concerned.
Right now, I barely know anyone in EMCI and even after two weeks in the office, I still do not consider myself settled, especially since I have yet to do anything productive [unless you count the 39 pages worth of movie and TV show quotes that I was able to compile as I pretended to be busy and occupied]. But I know I will settle in eventually, make new friends, and get used to a new environment and a new routine. I am still in the process of getting over my Trend-sickness and I am not ashamed to say so. One of my ex-officemates, who resigned before I did, said that getting out of Trend is like having a breath of fresh air. I never said I hated Trend, I just said I was tired. My almost three years in the company, though not smooth-sailing, wasn't all that bad. I have a lot of good memories that I wouldn't exchange even for the highest-paying job in the world.
I miss Trend, I miss the people, and I miss my old routine. But though I wouldn't change anything that happened even if I could rewrite history, I know in my heart that I am not willing to go back. I may not yet be adjusted, but I'm okay. Trend Micro will always be a part of who I am but I have moved on and there's no turning back.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
today is the effectivity date of my resignation. i am officially no longer an employee of Trend Micro...Labels: scribblings from me, work-related
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Last Day...Last Entry...
Today is my last day in Trend Micro.
A few minutes ago, I was creating the mailing list for my sentimental farewell shit and I realized how few of those I would even care to say goodbye to are still here. It's sad to leave because this has been my comfort zone for the last two years and nine months but I know deep in my heart it's time to go on with life. Along with a lot of junk from my locker and my desk, I'll be bringing with me memories of people and moments I'll never forget.
On Tuesday, I start my new job.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
i'll miss the schedule...the people...and of course the network shares...*sigh*
oh and by the way, i am ms. november, the 9th resignee in the techwriter team in just a little over a year.Labels: random ramblings, work-related
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
8:49 PM
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
i am moving on...
things went a little too fast,
believe it or not, i am sad -
but it's been almost three years
and i think it's time for me to move on...
XOXOXOXOXOXO
this is to mark the significance of today in my life. and no, i am not referring to my love life (or the lack of it...)
Labels: random ramblings, work-related
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
8:27 PM
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Disillusionment
i think i've just been disillusioned a million times over...
i hate it every time life reminds me that people are not always what they seem to be, that i can't and shouldn't take things or people at face value. i hate it when something happens and i realize that the people i always thought i can trust with my life are not worthy of my trust in the first place. i hate it when all i want to do is sit in a corner and cry my eyes out, and i can't do so because such an act will merely spawn a million more controversies and uncalled for comments.
unfortunately, i move in a circle where one is condemned for being concerned about having everything the way it should be and damnation welcomes the one who actually voices out concerns, no matter how legitimate they may be. to anyone who ever took offense on anything i got concerned about - i'm sorry. i'm sorry i ever used the brains i was born with and i'm sorry i ever stood by the principles instilled in me by 17 years of catholic education.
i always thought i already had everyone's number, that nothing anyone can do will disillusion me anymore than i already am. but i guess the joke's on me again. apparently, some things are still capable of penetrating the shell i built around myself, that the things i always thought i've already accepted can still make me want to cry and throw whatever i get my hands on. apparently, i still am vulnerable, naive, and idealistic.
it happened in high school, it happened in college, and it's happening again now. history repeats itself, yet again. maybe because i never really learned my lesson in the first place...
XOXOXOXOXOXO
if you're a serpent slithering around my little paradise, please reveal yourself before i get complacent and trusting again - before i retreat into my naive little world again...Labels: scribblings from me, work-related
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Two Years...
two years of this - of spam, of VRs, and of outbreaks...
wasn't as smooth sailing as i'd like to claim, but at the end of the day - i have no regrets about coming and staying...
by the way, i made it two years without a single late...hahaha...it's such a dorky accomplishment to be proud of!!!
XOXOXOXOXOXO
February 26, 2004 - February 26, 2006Labels: random ramblings, snapshots, work-related
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
6:52 AM
