Thursday, January 12, 2006
Aftermaths
I spent the last day of my 2005 crying in front of the pc here in the office and though not even once have I cried since then, the pain hasn't really gone away. There's still a dull ache within me, a heavy feeling that isn't enough to make me cry again yet a heaviness that wouldn't go away.I've lost count of how many times in the past three years I've prayed for us to get together - minus the ambiguity...minus the complexities. I thought that after we talked last December 29 and after hearing you practically say that what we had was just a moment in our past, I'd finally stop asking for a miracle. But here I am, roughly 13 days and 11 hours after you brought me home, still asking for the same thing, and not even knowing that there is someone else has deterred my faith one bit. It may be pigheaded of me to keep doing so, but I'd still close my eyes and whisper a short prayer for that future with you that I want.
I wish I could stop though. I wish I'd stop hoping so I could focus on the other parts of my life that for three years took a backseat to you. I wish I'd stop missing you, and I wish I'd stop looking back and start building a future that can be complete even without you.
I had a long breakfast with an old friend late last year and when I told him where I might be in a year or so, he said I'm running away. A few days after, my best friend said the same thing. I would like to think that I'm just finally getting on with my life, but even if they're right and I am running away, I hope they'd let me be. A part of me wants to forget I ever considered leaving, but another part of me cherishes the thought of getting to start over in a new place. A place without you and a place without memories of you scattered all over.
Friends always said I'm blessed with a memory that hardly forgets anything. But now, that blessing has become a curse. It makes me remember how it felt to be in your arms and how it was to have my hand in yours. It keeps me reminded of how I've fallen in love with you and not noticed it happened. And it keeps alive every memory I have of every single place we've gone to and of every single thing we did. It wouldn't allow me to forget how beautiful things were in the beginning and how ugly things got because of that one act I did that made you change your mind about us. I'd take one look at the things around me and I'd realize how much I love you and how big a part of my life you still are.
I long for the day when I can visit the places we used to go to and not be painfully reminded of you, when I can think of you and not think of how it is to hold your hand again, and when I can look at you in the eyes and not think of the beautiful relationship we could have had. If I could sleep and wake up when it's all over, I'd gladly do so. At least then there'll be no regrets, no pain, and no pigheaded prayer for a future with you I'll probably never have.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
a friend once said, we never get what we want...we only get a glimpse of what we feel is ours...*sigh*
Labels: scribblings from me
