Monday, May 07, 2007
Closing Chapters
I thought talking to you this time around would finally free me from the state of perpetual pain I've been in for the past four years. But I was wrong. As I watched you drive away that night, all I felt was weariness – an exhaustion that never felt more pronounced than it did at that particular moment. In my mind, I was saying goodbye to four years of my life that though I did not spend with you, the hope I had made it feel like you were with me and we were together.The day after we talked, a common friend IM'ed me and somewhere along the conversation asked me if I still love you. I'm not sure if you told her we were together the night before but all I told her was that whatever I feel for you is irrelevant. And I am right. I love you and though I can honestly say that I feel I am special to you, the feeling is not enough for you to want us to be together.
Friends who knew we talked have been asking me what happened but I keep putting off talking about it because every time I so much as try to think about it too long, I start to cry. And I'm tired of crying. I want to be numb enough that when I finally talk about it, it will just be like I'm telling somebody else's story. A few days ago, I got what I wanted. I had a drinking session with some friends and I didn't cry. I didn't even get that throat-closing-choked-up feeling, not that it made me feel better about everything or that it made things easier for me.
After four years, I think I've reached the point where I'm so tired of everything I just want the truth. I just want my life back. I want to be able to go through my daily routine without wondering how you are, if you've eaten, if you've had enough sleep. I want to know what it feels like to be happy again. I'm closing this chapter of my life. Again. And this time, I want it to stay closed – the way it should have more than a year ago.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
You know what makes this night difficult? It's when after a long day of avoiding him and getting him out of my habit, I'd realize that the moment I close my eyes, it's still his face I see and it's him I dream about. And all the efforts I've made were just gone into waste. And waking up the next morning would mean another day of struggle on forgetting him and getting a life of my own...
Labels: scribblings from me
