Wednesday, September 01, 2010
My Journey to You
Three years ago when I closed his chapter in my life, I remember feeling a sense of sadness, like saying goodbye to a long-time friend. Truth be told, I was scared of letting my feelings go, of turning away from something that felt familiar. But I've made up my mind that I want my life back, that I want to be happy again. After five years I finally grew tired of waiting for him to love me. The uphill battle started and as time went by, I slowly got used to a life without him. He was no longer my first and last thought of the day and I've stopped sending him random text messages, hoping he'd reply and ask me out. For the first time since I graduated from college I was building a life away from him, a life that wasn't ruled by memories of him.In the same year I was struggling with letting him go, I met you. We weren't close though and even after several months, our relationship pretty much stayed on the same level. I hardly knew anything about you - I didn't see you outside of work, we didn't text, we didn't chat, we hardly even worked together - but I felt comfortable with you. I don't know why but I felt good when you're around. I felt like I can tell you anything, that you understood me even if I wasn't telling you much about myself. We were a small group and I thought it was just a matter of time before we got to know each other beyond work. It was sad that I started getting to know you, started learning details about your life, only when you were about to leave.
I understood why you had to go and if I was in that situation, I'd probably do the same. But I can't deny that a part of me resented you for leaving and that same part of me hated you for sticking me with a project I didn't feel I was ready for. I felt your leaving not because of any regrets I had but because of my apprehensions for what's in front of me.
In the year and a half that you were gone, I honestly don't remember missing you. I was too focused on work, on keeping things running as smoothly as possible. 2009 was a busy year for me. Apart from work, this was the year life gave me a tough lesson on letting go. The flood that ravaged through our house forced me to let go of material possessions that reminded me of my past, of memories I should have moved on from a long time ago. It was a painful lesson and it is only now looking back that I am beginning to understand. Life wanted to teach me that with every picture, letter, and souvenir I throw away, I was also making room for new memories to take the place of old ones. Life was apparently preparing me for your return.
I was glad when I heard you were coming back but I didn't realize things would be different this time around. I didn't realize that now you're someone with whom I’ll be sharing a lot - projects, business trips, stories about your past, details about myself. I was pleasantly surprised when you understood my frustrations better than anyone else. But I guess I should have known that, because you saw the project at its inception and you knew what it was like to be doing what I've been doing for the past two years. As the months went by and I struggled with work issues, you were there doing what you can to make things easier for me. In your own way, you were taking care of me, making sure I was okay, making sure you were there if I needed someone to talk with.
I woke up one day realizing that without meaning to I had fallen for you, that I like you more than I should. I know you're not free to love someone and you have issues you need to settle and deal with first. I'm hoping though that your coming back meant you've already accepted the realities of your past. I'm praying that you're slowly coming to terms with whatever issues your old relationship left you with and that the only loose ends left are the legalities. I want to help you with what you're going through, help you heal and be there for you just like you were there for me, but I don't know how to reach out to you. I'm scared that I might do something to drive you away, that I might screw up whatever chance I have with you. I'm scared of making the same mistakes I did in the past.
I don't know if a relationship between us is possible or how good it will be if we do get into one. A quick look at how we both grew up will tell anyone that we're very different from each other. But I'm hoping that we can bridge the gap and see beyond our differences, that we can both accept each other for what we are and for what we're not. I want this chance with you and I'm willing to grow up, to accept you and your past, just to make this chance a reality. I only hope that you can meet me halfway, that you will want to work things out with me, no matter how hard and no matter what we face.
I’m putting myself on the line again and I'm crossing my fingers that this time, this story will have a different ending - a happy ending.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
loving involves two phases. the first intuitive one is loving the person in spite of who he is and the second nobler one is loving the person for who he isn't. the first one sparks love, the second one makes it last...
Labels: scribblings from me
