Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Happy Birthday!
It's your birthday today and for the first time since 2002, I didn't attempt to call you at midnight and greet you. I contented myself with sending you a forwarded happy birthday text message. I don't know if you received my message though...because you never texted back. Not that you're obligated to respond or anything, it's just that during your past birthdays you would always reply thank you to my messages. I couldn't help but wonder what happened for you to react differently this year.
When I decided not to call you like I used to do, I told myself I'm doing it because I would really want to start moving on. That's the mantra I kept repeating to myself the entire day. But I still can't stop myself from checking my phone every hour or so to see if you texted. Pathetic. I know.
For awhile now, I've been toying with the idea of telling you, once and for all, three years worth of everything - how I feel, what I think happened, and where I am now. I want to demand honest answers to my questions and finally put an end to this silent and painful vigil. But I'm scared. I'm scared that telling you everything will drive you away for good. I'm scared of losing what little I have now. I'm scared of losing you, even though I never really had you in the first place. Most of all, I'm scared of myself...of what I'm capable of doing. I'm scared that I would find myself breaking down in front of you and begging you for a chance. I'm scared of seeing my mask slip away, of watching my pride crumble before my eyes...
XOXOXOXOXOXO
for him whom i hold close to my heart...happy birthday
Labels: scribblings from me, snapshots
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @ 11:21 PM
1 Comments
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said @ 10/27/2005 5:44 PM
why do i feel like i was writing this entry? maybe because we're on the same boat.
*sigh*
nakakasenti talaga pumunta dito sa blog mo. pero nakaka-relieved din dahil hindi pala ako nag-iisa sa pinagdadaanan ko. =)
kaso, ikaw three years pa lang... ako, 16 pathetic years na! haaaay. hopeless na ako.
noringai
