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Aouie's Journal

Saturday, November 05, 2005

On Fairy Tales and Happy Endings

Even as a little girl, I reveled in the promise of santa claus, in the magic of the tooth fairy, and in the romance of fairy tales. Deep in my heart, I always believed that one day I would meet my prince and when I do, I'm going to have my happy ending.

Ours was not a picture-perfect beginning. In fact, I never really saw you as someone who could be part of my fairy tale. You were nothing but a near-stranger, a friend of a friend. But when you held my hand and wiped away my tears, you broke through the defenses that I never even knew were there. You became my prince, the man I believed I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. I prayed and wished with all my heart that it was just a matter of time before you'd realize that we were made for each other, that I am your princess.

I waited patiently. I held off plans and postponed making decisions. I wanted to accommodate your plans and I wanted us to make decisions together. I took whatever you could give, no matter how little it was and no matter how rarely it came my way. I put my life on hold as I waited at the sidelines and watched you fulfill your dreams. As the months turned into years, you became my world but the situation has remained the same. You were there living your life and I was here building a future around the belief that in the end it would be the two of us. But regardless of how much time went by and how hard I hoped, you were one wish my fairy godmother was not able to grant. You were one unanswered prayer.

Save for that moment we shared, you never saw me as your princess. I refuse to entertain the thought that I was just a game for you, that you never cared, and that everything was a nightmare pretending to be a dream. I refuse to accept that you'd intentionally hurt me. I would rather believe you genuinely cared but somewhere along the way something happened that made you change your mind about us. I'd rather tell myself that this is life's way of telling me that real life is no fairy tale, and that maybe it's time for the little girl to finally grow up.

I think I have grown up. I think that the pain of accepting the reality that lay before my eyes made sure of that. And it makes me feel better to know that despite everything, deep inside I will still be that little girl who persists in dreaming of fairy tales and happy endings. But my life would now go on despite the pain and despite your absence.

I'd be lying if I say that I'd no longer be waiting for you because being with you is still my heart's most fervent wish. I wouldn't be waiting by the window though, not anymore. I will go my own way, building a life away from you, away from your plans, and away from your dreams. I might be leaving you behind, but I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that one day, maybe far-off in the distant future, our paths would cross again. And if that day comes, things might be different - perhaps in another time and in another place, you'll finally see me as your princess.

But if the road will not lead us back to each other, I'll know that you are not the prince meant for me, that you will just remain my unanswered prayer. I'll know then that my fairy tale has not yet ended - you're just another chapter closed and just another lesson painfully learned. You are not my prince, I am not your princess, and you are not the happy ending I always dreamt of.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

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a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @ 11:06 PM

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