Sunday, April 17, 2005
Relapse
Seeing you again has triggered feelings and memories I've long since tried to forget.My day started out the way it usually does, with an amount of work that leaves little time for dwelling on things I cannot do anything about. Then out of the blue, after months of silence, you texted:
Dinner and mvie sa megamol.
Ktakts sa labas ng pwerbuks ng
630 mamya. Pls reply
I was delirious. It didn't matter that there would be other people with us, nothing could contain the excitement I felt. And even if it meant leaving way earlier than usual, so be it. I was ready to ditch the world - my shiftmates and my remaining two hours of work, and my teammates whom I was supposed to watch a movie with that night. I was usually the ever-responsible one, but at that moment, all sanity flew out the window. We were going to see each other and that was all I cared about.
It really was an ordinary night. After all, there wasn't a part of it we hadn't done before. But it was special just the same - maybe because I haven't seen you in months, maybe more so because I never know for sure when I'm going to see you again.
Even now, you elicit the same reaction, the same feeling, as if it were two years ago and we were back in college. It's the same giddy feeling, the same warmth and light-headedness, the same stupid grin and easy laughter. To say I enjoyed myself would be an understatement. I loved everything about that night - the dinner, the movie, the ride home, the talking about things that happened in college.
A part of me then was transported back in time. Sitting beside you in the dark theater and later on in the car, talking and laughing over nonsensical things, felt so darn natural - almost as if nothing has changed. I say almost because I could see subtle changes, like your eyeglasses. You didn't have them before. It makes you look more serious, more like the doctor you're studying to become. Looking at you wearing those glasses made me realize how much time has passed since that moment we shared and how much things have actually changed - in you, in me, in what used to be us.
I went to bed smiling to myself, still grinning about the night out I had with you. But I woke up hating myself. Hating the fact that no matter how hard I try to fight it, I still love you. I may slowly be fulfilling my dreams and making something out of my life, but I cannot deny that I'm still just here waiting for you to suddenly realize you love me. Once I said that I'm tired of fighting for something that wasn't mutual and that I'm tired of valuing things I shouldn't have valued in the first place. Those were just words though, because deep inside, whether I admit it or not, you're the one I want. And regardless of how many times people around me say get over it, I know I cannot bring myself to settle for something or someone I know I wouldn't be happy with.
So much for wanting to move on...
You know, I dread the day that I will hear people talk about you and a new love. But there's not much I can do to prevent that. You're entitled to your life and to your own happiness. It was just my choice alone that kept me here all these years.
Thank you for your friendship, for your time, and for the chance to be with you every now and then. Thank you too for the memories and the past two years that showed me a strength I never knew I had. I love you with all my heart and no matter what I said in the past, I never stopped loving you.
The world thinks I'm okay, and that's what I want them to see but the years since graduation has been a painful journey. I may never get to fully understand everything that happened between us and I don't know when, or if I'll ever accept the reality that no matter how great a person I am, you just don't love me.
At least not in the way I want you to...
XOXOXOXOXOXO
Labels: scribblings from me
