Thursday, February 16, 2006
Of Valentine's Day and Dinner Invitations
I was pleasantly surprised when you texted asking me if I was doing anything that night. Honestly, I had second thoughts about accepting your dinner invitation - not because I didn't want to see you, but because seeing you on that particular day might not be in my best interest. At first I thought your text was a missent message but after awhile, I realized the initial text message was really for me. Then I thought that for some weird reason, you're probably not aware that it was Valentine's day, but as we walked to where we finally decided to have dinner, apparently you knew what that day was.Dinner was very light and a lot of fun. We didn't talk about anything remotely serious. The conversation was mostly about other people and that TV series you got me hooked on. And it is kind of funny because the last time we were together, I was telling you about the three years of pathetic waiting I did and you were apologizing for having to tell me that there's no chance for us anymore.
I was happy to see you and to spend more time with you, but the night left me kind of confused.
You said there's someone else you like, but you asked me to dinner on Valentine's day. I doubt you're not aware that Valentine's day is usually spent either with a group of friends in a singles' night out gimmick, or in a date with somebody you like in a romantic way. And to think that the entire night even required a whole lot of extra effort from you. I mean, it was a Tuesday, which is a school night and you mentioned having an exam the next day. Then you suggested meeting in Mega Mall when you know you'd be commuting from UST. After you paid for our dinner, which you've never done before, you offered to ride home with me because you knew I was a bit apprehensive to take a cab alone at night.
I don't know what to make of everything. Were we just two friends who both happened to be free that night and then decided to have dinner together? Or were we actually out on a romantic date? I mean, did you ask me out as a good friend or as a girl you like? I don't want to give a deeper meaning to everything you did because I don't want to find myself waiting for you again. Try as I might, I can't reconcile the thought that you'd ask me out as a good friend when you very well know how I feel. You must have at least had some idea that asking me out that night might reopen a supposedly closed book. I must admit that I still love you more than anyone else in the world, and I know I have yet to completely move on, but I've already mapped out a future that doesn't include you. I don't want to change my plans just to later realize that yet again, it was all for nothing.
After we talked late last year, I conditioned myself to think that, that night would be the last time we'd see each other in at least a year. I honestly thought that night was already goodbye. I also believed, for the longest time, that you would do anything for us not to be left alone. Several times in the past, you even cancelled gimmicks at the eleventh hour just because it was down to the two of us. Then suddenly here you were asking me if I wanted to have dinner with you on Valentine's day, and this is despite knowing it will only be the two of us.
The night felt like a date, and it scares the hell out of me to think that your dinner invitation may have been spurred by guilty feelings - that you asked me out only because you felt you owed it to me. I want you to know I never blamed you for anything that happened. I know that loving you and waiting for you is my choice. What we had may have just been a pseudo-relationship, but I'll always treasure the memories because I felt the sincerity, if not the rationality, behind everything - behind every hug, every smile, and every text message we exchanged. It's enough for me to know that what we had was not my imagination, that the reason it didn't turn into something is because the timing just wasn't right. I don't think I deserve a night that felt like a date but wasn't really one. I don't want empty consolations and I don't want you to feel you owe me anything other than what is real.
I don't know what your intentions and your motivations were and I don't know if I have enough courage left in me to ask. More to the point, I'm not even sure if I am actually ready to hear the answer, whatever the answer might turn out to be.
But just the same, thank you for asking me to dinner - for sharing your Valentine's day with me. I had a lovely time. And thanks for seeing me home, even if it meant taking a cab from Mega Mall to my place and then riding the same cab back to your condo near UST. I know it took you twice the time to get back to your place than it would have had you gone straight back after we had dinner. You don't know how much I appreciate the gesture given the fact that you've always hated going out without a car. Most of all, thank you for making me believe in what you've always told me, that regardless of how things turned out between us, you still care for me.
I've always loved seeing you and spending time with you, and I don't think I'll ever get tired of doing the same things with you. But if spending time with you now means going on guilt-motivated dates, I think I'd rather not see you for awhile. I'd rather not taint the memories I have of you and of the past we shared. I would just rather that you take time out to think about the implications of your actions before doing anything else, especially since there are real feelings and emotions involved.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
my memories of you and of our past are more than memories to me now...they are souvenirs of a love i know i will never again experience...
Labels: scribblings from me
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @ 3:11 AM
1 Comments
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said @ 2/20/2006 12:37 PM
you spent valentine's day with him? that's cool! ang gulo talaga ng mga lalake, no? just when you are resolved to moving on and letting go,doon naman sila magpaparamdam.
oh well, im happy that you were happy that V day. you deserve it. wag na lang lagyan ng label or explanation ang lahat, just enjoy the moment na lang. :D
- noringai
