Sunday, November 27, 2005
Thank You
...thank you for touching my life in a way i can't even begin to describe.XOXOXOXOXOXOLabels: random ramblings, snapshots
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Post Secret Postcard
i hope i never get to feel the pain of having this secret...
XOXOXOXOXOXO
one of my favorites from the Post Secret blog...Labels: random ramblings, snapshots
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
8:54 PM
Monday, November 14, 2005
What If...
One of the saddest things that can happen to you is when your ex-boyfriend tells you the night before his wedding..."This could have been us!"
I got that quote a few years back and I remembered it while I was talking to my officemate about a scenario she gave me. She said, what if the night before my wedding you suddenly get to read all the letters I wrote for you that I never gave, and you finally decide to tell me you've loved me all these years but was just too scared to do anything about it. I really don't know what I'd do given that scenario. I guess it all depends on how I feel about you then and how much I love my would-be husband. Somehow though, I don't think I'd even consider marrying somebody if I know I have yet to let go of a past love. But then again, who can say for sure, right?
It'll be so sad if at the moment you finally get up the courage to owe up to what you feel for me I haven't just given you up, I've also decided to love someone who was brave enough to love me in return. I wish our story won't have to get to that point. I hope that when and if the day comes that you realize you have feelings for me after all, I still care for you enough to take the risk of loving again. Most of all, I hope that by then I'm still free enough to actually make a choice.
XOXOXOXOXOXOLabels: scribblings from me, snapshots
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
2:29 AM
Saturday, November 05, 2005
On Fairy Tales and Happy Endings
Even as a little girl, I reveled in the promise of santa claus, in the magic of the tooth fairy, and in the romance of fairy tales. Deep in my heart, I always believed that one day I would meet my prince and when I do, I'm going to have my happy ending.
Ours was not a picture-perfect beginning. In fact, I never really saw you as someone who could be part of my fairy tale. You were nothing but a near-stranger, a friend of a friend. But when you held my hand and wiped away my tears, you broke through the defenses that I never even knew were there. You became my prince, the man I believed I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. I prayed and wished with all my heart that it was just a matter of time before you'd realize that we were made for each other, that I am your princess.
I waited patiently. I held off plans and postponed making decisions. I wanted to accommodate your plans and I wanted us to make decisions together. I took whatever you could give, no matter how little it was and no matter how rarely it came my way. I put my life on hold as I waited at the sidelines and watched you fulfill your dreams. As the months turned into years, you became my world but the situation has remained the same. You were there living your life and I was here building a future around the belief that in the end it would be the two of us. But regardless of how much time went by and how hard I hoped, you were one wish my fairy godmother was not able to grant. You were one unanswered prayer.
Save for that moment we shared, you never saw me as your princess. I refuse to entertain the thought that I was just a game for you, that you never cared, and that everything was a nightmare pretending to be a dream. I refuse to accept that you'd intentionally hurt me. I would rather believe you genuinely cared but somewhere along the way something happened that made you change your mind about us. I'd rather tell myself that this is life's way of telling me that real life is no fairy tale, and that maybe it's time for the little girl to finally grow up.
I think I have grown up. I think that the pain of accepting the reality that lay before my eyes made sure of that. And it makes me feel better to know that despite everything, deep inside I will still be that little girl who persists in dreaming of fairy tales and happy endings. But my life would now go on despite the pain and despite your absence.
I'd be lying if I say that I'd no longer be waiting for you because being with you is still my heart's most fervent wish. I wouldn't be waiting by the window though, not anymore. I will go my own way, building a life away from you, away from your plans, and away from your dreams. I might be leaving you behind, but I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that one day, maybe far-off in the distant future, our paths would cross again. And if that day comes, things might be different - perhaps in another time and in another place, you'll finally see me as your princess.
But if the road will not lead us back to each other, I'll know that you are not the prince meant for me, that you will just remain my unanswered prayer. I'll know then that my fairy tale has not yet ended - you're just another chapter closed and just another lesson painfully learned. You are not my prince, I am not your princess, and you are not the happy ending I always dreamt of.
XOXOXOXOXOXO Labels: scribblings from me
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Busy
I work two jobs located a long way from each other. Almost everyday I sleep at 4am, and wake up only to have time for a quick shower. Then, I head off to work. People ask me, "how can you do it?" I ask myself how can I not?
I love being busy. I wasn't always like this, but nowadays being busy is all I have. Being busy gives me no time. No time to relax, no time to think, no time to stare at the walls and remember.
I seemed to have been functioning normally, until it all came to a swift end. He never said a word, I never saw him go, but in my heart I knew that that was already goodbye.
Am I brokenhearted? I don't know. Aren't people "brokenhearted" because they lost something or someone? I wonder if I can lose something that I never really had. What was it that we had anyway?
I'm a flexible person, but one thing I can not stand is prolonged ambiguity. And that is what we had...although it wasn't always like that.
Things happened much too fast that sometimes I wonder if I just dreamt it all. We were set up. We met. We dated. He asked me if it's okay if I don't date anybody else. So, I didn't. He said he wanted me to become his girlfriend. We kissed. He was my first kiss. It was a long, passionate evening. And then I had to go. I was gone for a while. When I came back, things had changed, but we kept on. We both had erratic schedules and a long list of priorities. We ran to too many directions too fast too often. In the end, we had nothing left.
I pause and look at the paragraph I just wrote. Funny how an entire year of adventure and then anguish could just be summarized in a couple of words. Funny how these words are supposed to embody everything we had. Or everything I had. Because now I am no longer sure if he and I had the same thing.
When things started getting sour, my friends told me that he was a jerk, and that I should move on. Silly me, I gave him a second chance.
So, we danced the same dance...only to find out that we were not waltzing on the same pace. I liked him enough to commit to making us work, so I adjusted my steps to meet his. Still, it didn't work. Now that I think of it, he might have been dancing a different dance altogether, and I was too blind to see.
I would hear from him, and then for weeks, he wouldn't call. Then, just when I would already wise up, just when I would be ready to give it all up and move on, he would resurface, and everything would be alright again. This became a cycle.
That fateful night, I got tired of it all. In not so many words, I expressed how I felt. Things were simply not working for us. For the past few months, he really wasn't there physically anymore. Worse, I felt that he wasn't even there emotionally.
Growing up, I learned that when it comes to men, one should never assume. In my naivette, however, I thought that if a guy tells me he likes me very, very much, I should believe him. When I think of it now, it is not doubtful that he didn't mean what he said, and I was simply a fool to believe him.
I couldn't put it in any better way than I did when I said goodbye to him in a dream: Mukhang hindi ka pa handang magmahal, at baka hindi pa kita kayang mahalin (Perhaps you are not yet ready to love, and perhaps I am unable to love you.).
Maybe we were just too different, and we wanted different things from a relationship.
During the final months, he gave very little, and took even less from what we had. I, in turn, gave too much and expected too much.
I remember a mantra I made for myself during one of those bitter nights when I got so frustrated with us. It says: "I will not be the girl you will settle for on horny nights when you need female companionship and your other friends wouldn't give you the time of your life. I will not be the girl you will settle for while trying to settle your issues with commitment and the other messy parts of your life. I will not settle for one-sided love. I will not be the girl you just settled for. I deserve to be loved and I will not settle for anything less."
The words came from deep within. Feelings that I tried to hide, but in recent times have come to acknowledge. I couldn't love for the both of us.
It was a simple ending. He didn't even talk back. His last gift to me was silence, a chance to walk away without any ugly scene to tarnish what few precious memories we had. So I picked up what little dignity I had left and went my own way.
Deep in my heart, I know that that silence is permanent. I know that I will never hear from him again.
Never is such a lonely word.
My friends say that it's his loss, not mine. But if they are right, and that in losing us he lost a lot more than I did, then why am I hurting this much?
Did I love him? I don't know. You tell me. I haven't had the time to figure that out yet.
Tomorrow is a rest day for most people, but that doesn't apply to me. My two jobs go on despite the holiday, and tomorrow is the busiest day of my week. But I don't mind.
Busy is fine. Nowadays, I just love being busy.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
by zeanjurek [from peyups]
sometimes i wish i too could be too busy to remember, and sometimes i wish i too would get tired enough to say goodbye and walk away...Labels: articles
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
4:42 AM
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
If I'm Not In Love with You
If I'm not in love with you
What is this I'm going through, tonight?
And if this heart is lying then
What should I believe in
Why do I go crazy
Everytime I think about you baby
Why else do I want you like I do
If I'm not in love with you
And if I don't need your touch
Why do I miss you so much, tonight
If it's just infatuation
Then why is my heart aching
To hold you forever
Give a part of me I thought I'd never
Give again to someone I could lose
If I'm not in love with you
Oh, why in every fantasy
Do I feel your arms embracing me
Like lovers lost in sweet desire
And why in dreams do I surrender
Like a little baby
How do I explain this feeling
Someone tell me
If I'm not in love with you
What is this I'm going through, tonight?
And if this heart is lying then
What should I believe in
Why do I go crazy
Everytime I think about you baby
Why else do I want you like I do...
If I'm not in love with
If I'm not in love with
If I'm not in love with you...
XOXOXOXOXOXO
by Kathy TroccoliLabels: songs
