Thursday, March 30, 2006
Chasing Dreams
On a regular basis I hear people talking about their dreams - plans for the future they want to work on, jobs they want to apply for, careers they want to shift to. And I feel bad not being able to take part in the conversation. It's not that I'm not working on something for my future, because I am, but it's not something I can honestly say I always wanted. In fact, I can't even count how many times I said that I made my decision through a process of elimination, kind of like choosing the least evil of all my available options.
I've always envied people who can want something bad enough that they'd be willing to risk everything just for a chance to realize a dream. I'd sit in my seminars and review classes and everytime I'd look around the room, I'd feel this surge of guilt. I have the resources, the means, and the support to go through with everything but I can't even confidently answer my dad when he asked me if I'm dead set on it. Honestly, I'm not.
When I decided on this way back November, I told myself it's a step towards letting you go. I even swallowed my pride enough so I can ask you once and for all if there's still a chance for us. And when you said there's someone else you like, I took that as a sign that I made the right decision, that it is time to finally close that part of my life. I may have still been half-hearted with my decision but at least my mind was made up, at least from a completely intellectual point of view, you have just become a dream I am no longer chasing. I wasn't happy with how things were going but I had a peace of mind that came from knowing for sure where I stand in your life. I can now have my life back and I can now work on my future with a clear conscience because the biggest issue keeping me bound here has been settled.
Then you had to come and destroy everything. I don't know if it's just a sick joke that you, life, or fate is playing on me, but I am not finding it the least bit funny. I mean, if it's a no, let's keep it there and not do anything that tilts the scale towards maybe. I am confused and tentative. Again. I have not stopped working towards my goal but I am delaying things, and that's just as bad. I want to clear things up with you but I don't know if I'll be given another alone time with you. I hope I get to talk it over with you though, before it either gets too late to actually do anything or before I drive myself nuts trying to make heads and tails of it.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
i wish i could stop holding on to the smallest and most insignificant things...i wish i could stop chasing dreams of a future i am not meant to have...i wish i could stop dreaming of you... Labels: scribblings from me
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
3:06 AM
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Stumble
I'd rather
heave half a brick than say
I love you, though I do
I'd rather
crawl in a hole than call you
darling, though you are
I'd rather
wrench off an arm than hug you though
it's what I long to do
I'd rather
gather a posy of poison ivy than
ask if you love me
so if my
hair doesn't stand on end it's because
I never tease it
and if my
heart isn't in my mouth it's because
it knows its place
and if I
don't take a bite of your ear it's because
gristle gripes my guts
and if you
miss the message better get new
glasses and read it twice
XOXOXOXOXOXO
by Phyllis GotliebLabels: poems
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Even If
All those sleepless nights
All the tears I cried
All the pain I kept inside
I kept asking myself why
You had to say goodbye
Was it just a dream
When you said to me
That there is someone new in your life
You could have at least lied
The truth just scared me
Chorus:
Even if...
You mean the whole damn world to me
I can forget you
Wait and see
I can be strong even without you
I can't waste my life forever
Hoping you'd come back to me
But deep inside
I know I'll be waiting here for you
Repeat Chorus
XOXOXOXOXOXO
by Lea SalongaLabels: songs
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
7:39 AM
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Between You and Me...
i bought these for you - but i don't know if i'll ever have the courage to give them to you...
XOXOXOXOXOXO
good luck in your final week of school. i hope i get to see you some time during your break...Labels: random ramblings, snapshots
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
6:14 AM
Friday, March 17, 2006
Closing Cycles
One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.
Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.
Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?
You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.
But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.
None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot forever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.
Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it maybe!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.
Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return; do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.
Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the ideal moment. Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person. Nothing is irreplaceable. A habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.
Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.
Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
by Paolo Coelho
the other day, while i was listening to some officemates discuss about guilt feelings regarding ex-boyfriends, i remember telling them that it's not their fault if those ex-boyfriends continued pining away for them even years after their respective relationships have ended. it's an individual's choice how far and how deep to allow a heartbreak to run, right?
i know this because i have made my choice to keep loving someone who will never quite love me in the same way i love him. it's not his fault that i'm still here waiting - i never held those three and a half years against him nor did i ever throw it in his face. i can't say i'm really happy with where i am in my life right now, but staying here is my choice...Labels: articles, random ramblings
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
6:30 PM
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
A Lesson in Goodbye
It was such a beautiful beginning for a love that would never be fulfilled.
We started innocently enough - as friends. We talked day and night, exchanging witticisms and amusing comments on the ironies of life. You stimulated my interest, and pretty soon, you captured my heart. I used to laugh at couples who couldn't get enough of each other, when I suddenly found myself reluctant to say good night after spending the whole day with you. I couldn't sleep, wondering why tomorrow was taking so long. It was never like that for me before...
I had to laugh at the irony of it all. I used to dream of a Prince Charming who would sweep me off my feet in a dazzling romance, but there I was - in love with a guy who, for all his eloquence, barely knew how to tell me he loved me. Didn't you know? Each time you smiled, you were winning my trust. And every time you held my hand, you were touching my heart. In your arms, I was in danger of falling deeper, yet I knew I couldn't be more secure. You reached me in a way nobody else has before, and you gave me faith in things I've never had the courage to believe.
Still, I held back. What we had was wonderful, and it was so perfect, so absolutely perfect, that I was afraid to believe it could last forever. You asked me to stay, and I longed to say yes, but something was calling me to find another path, to discover what my dreams could become, to explore everything that I could be. I longed for adventure, for experience, for knowledge. Please understand that I loved you, but I couldn't give you my self without fully knowing who I was. I had to be certain I was the person you believed me to be.
And so I left to study in a world entirely different from ours. You came to say goodbye, and I couldn't bring myself to ask you to wait. How could I possibly tie you down after you had set me free?
And now, I return. I've learned enough to realize that what I had with you was love. And every time I look into your eyes, I know that I have lost it. What I haven't learned is how to stop loving you, and how to stop hurting because somebody else is spending forever in your embrace. You were the first to touch my heart, the first to win my trust, and the only one who could make eternity come true for me. You were also the first to show me how painful love can be, how it hurts, and how the wounds it caused will never truly heal.
I'm sorry. I do not regret that I left; only that I hurt you, and that I couldn't make you wait. Try to forgive me, and try to forget. Let me be the one who remembers, the one who keeps the memories alive. They are more than memories to me now, they are souvenirs of a love I know I will never again experience.
I am leaving again soon. Perhaps in my search of where I belong I will discover happiness. And perhaps this time, I will find the reason and the courage to stay.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
by garnet_fire [from peyups]Labels: articles
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
6:44 AM
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Why Should I Dream?
What's the use of dreaming
when my dreams rarely come true?
Why do I keep believing
that someday I'll be with you?
What's the use of wishing
when my wishes never reach you?
I always keep on thinking
why do I love you?
What's the use of waiting
for you a year or two -
without ever knowing
if you feel the way I do.
What's the use of dreaming?
One thing I'm sure is true -
at least in my dreams, I'm feeling
that somehow, you love me too.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
by anonymousLabels: poems
Monday, March 06, 2006
Ateneo Checklist
got this from trisha's blog:
(X) eaten at Manang's
( ) learned the alma mater song [well...i can sing it together with other people but i can't sing it alone or write down the lyrics like i could do with my HS alma mater song]
( ) lay down and slept on a bench along EDSA walk [but i could sleep inside the DSWS room in spite the heat, humidity, and the noise]
( ) been a TNT!
( ) jogged around the campus in the evening [does 'walked around campus' count?]
(X) visited the art gallery
(X) knew at least one Xerox lady, manong, or technician by name
(X) got a Jesuit for a teacher
( ) itched from higad bites
(X) have gotten an F in something [failed accounting and my parents are both accountants!]
(X) have taken a crap in school [at least once in every building in the college campus]
(X) watched a La Salle vs. Ateneo UAAP game [i've only missed two games my entire college]
(X) given a Powerpoint presentation
(X) studied in the caf upstairs
(X) watched a T.A. play [and not just because it was required for class - attended poetry readings as well...]
(X) sat on the SEC ledge and watched the stars [and my blockmates were screaming at me from below, pretending they thought i was about to commit suicide...as if a jump from the SEC ledge will kill me!]
(X) ate in Full House, Martha's Kitchen, and Ken Afford
(X) slept in the lib
(X) visited Mr. San Andres [mostly for meetings when i was doing the lay-out of MAPS and the student handbook]
(X) went to the chapel [and the Gesu]
( ) have gotten a pebble stuck in your shoe/slippers in the middle of the quad
(X) cut class with your block to watch a movie
(X) signed up for those institutional (i.e. difficult but brilliant) teachers: Ferriols, Dacanay, David, Manacsa, Ang, Escaler, Arcilla, Totanes, and many others
( ) gone to CERSA night
(X) have tried siomai rice [my standard lunch from the caf]
( ) learned how to smoke
(X) actually read the book you keep borrowing from the lib
(X) played cards during your free time [and often stayed in school until 10 or 11 in the evening to play bridge!]
(X) dressed in business attire [usually for orals and for my thesis defense]
(X) learned to stay awake for more than 24 hours straight
( ) have gotten side comments from ASSOC(X) taken Saturday classes [accounting - *sigh*]
(X) gone to your immersion
( ) eaten Food for Thought sandwiches [don't eat sandwiches, loved their pasta though]
( ) had a boyfriend [do pseudo-boyfriends/relationships count?]
(X) taken time to read the vandalism in the CR doors
( ) watched "Minsan Lang Sila Bata" and "Macho Dancer" for class
(X) done a last minute paper [actually, 'finished a last minute paper' is the better phrase. and i did it just once in four years and i usually have paper-heavy subjects]
(X) have spent a lot for 1x1 ID pictures [and i still have about a million pieces in my drawer that i don't know what to do with]
(X) gotten exempted from final exams
(X) attended a college mass
( ) promised to quit smoking
( ) played hide-and-seek in the mini-forest [only been there once in my four years in ateneo]
(X) know where the best restrooms are on campus [SEC C - hahaha...]
(X) joined an org [DSWS, Heights, Tugon, ASEC]
(X) allowed yourself to make mistakes [yup. committed a lot in four years. who doesn't?]
(X) taken summer classes
( ) admired the sacred heart statue in the evening
(X) made a video for a project
( ) had a crush on a teacher
( ) attend a Jesuit retreat [does 'Jesuit Retreat' include DAYS with the Lord?]
( ) have gotten a parking ticket
(X) come to school in your crappiest yet most comfy clothes
( ) learned how to use the Bayantel pay phones [i tried them once or twice...gave up after awhile]
(X) participated in school activities
( ) watched the Blue Babble Battalion tryouts
(X) dated an Atenean
(X) rode a tricycle on campus
(X) found a tambayan [DSWS]
(X) admire the marikina valley at night [in between studying for Math departmentals during freshman year]
(X) gone drinking along Katipunan [gone drinking with my blockmates once at lunch time]
( ) learned how to beg for a higher grade [i never really had the heart/guts/face to do this]
(X) used your cuts wisely
( ) volunteered to be class beadle
(X) had the worst lottery schedule for reg
( ) admired the trees on campus
(X) have forgotten about your freecut and gone to that class
(X) eaten in the ISO canteen
(X) been active in your org
( ) have signed up on an ACP class just because the girl or guy u like signed up for it
(X) gotten as many application forms as you can during the job fair
(X) learned how to cram [i never learned how to cram for papers though. i always had to have my papers done before going to school]
( ) sold tickets (or watched) an org-sponsored movie premiere
( ) saved money to Xerox all of your seatmate's notes
( ) have accidentally seen a make-out session
(X) checked out the Meron Lagoon and Lambingan Bridge
( ) have dozed off in class in Bel right after a class in CTC/SOM/Comm.
(X) learned how to work with groupmates from hell
( ) perfected the art of parking on campus
( ) had a bad encounter with one of the guards on campus
(X) developed a love for sisig
(X) learned how to pronounce "AEGIS" properly
(X) have used typing rooms at the library [used it to study with a friend once during my sophomore year]
(X) have reserved a classroom, AVR, etc. for a class or org function
( ) have asked the library for an endorsement to research in other libraries [we actually need an endorsement to research in other libraries???]
( ) have lost a perfectly functioning umbrella
(X) have used consultation hours properly [the only consultation sched i used and kept was the one pertaining to my thesis]
(X) looked forward to lab breakage refund, in case you didn't break any equipment [who doesn't look forward to this?]
(X) visit the Guidance Office
(X) and Infirmary [usually to keep my best friend company]
XOXOXOXOXOXO Labels: lists quizzes and surveys
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
3:51 AM
