Monday, May 21, 2007
The little, the ordinary, the seemingly insignificant...
A girl falls in love with a boy because he listens to her when she speaks and remembers what she said a month ago. Love is sparked by the little things – the quiet word, the gesture of compassion, the look.
- Father James B. Reuter, SJ
Loving is best done in the milieu of everyday life. When there is love, everything you do with, for and apart from your beloved is always infused with the love held precious in the heart. Only then will these little chores, the compulsory routines, essentially become more than what they are.
- Father Thomas Keating
XOXOXOXOXOXO
what the eyes cannot see, the heart can feel and what the mind forgets, the heart remembers. the ordinary things are the highlights of our life...the very things that nourish and sustain the big blessings we already have and hold. *sigh*Labels: random ramblings
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
9:56 AM
Monday, May 07, 2007
Closing Chapters
I thought talking to you this time around would finally free me from the state of perpetual pain I've been in for the past four years. But I was wrong. As I watched you drive away that night, all I felt was weariness – an exhaustion that never felt more pronounced than it did at that particular moment. In my mind, I was saying goodbye to four years of my life that though I did not spend with you, the hope I had made it feel like you were with me and we were together.
The day after we talked, a common friend IM'ed me and somewhere along the conversation asked me if I still love you. I'm not sure if you told her we were together the night before but all I told her was that whatever I feel for you is irrelevant. And I am right. I love you and though I can honestly say that I feel I am special to you, the feeling is not enough for you to want us to be together.
Friends who knew we talked have been asking me what happened but I keep putting off talking about it because every time I so much as try to think about it too long, I start to cry. And I'm tired of crying. I want to be numb enough that when I finally talk about it, it will just be like I'm telling somebody else's story. A few days ago, I got what I wanted. I had a drinking session with some friends and I didn't cry. I didn't even get that throat-closing-choked-up feeling, not that it made me feel better about everything or that it made things easier for me.
After four years, I think I've reached the point where I'm so tired of everything I just want the truth. I just want my life back. I want to be able to go through my daily routine without wondering how you are, if you've eaten, if you've had enough sleep. I want to know what it feels like to be happy again. I'm closing this chapter of my life. Again. And this time, I want it to stay closed – the way it should have more than a year ago.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
You know what makes this night difficult? It's when after a long day of avoiding him and getting him out of my habit, I'd realize that the moment I close my eyes, it's still his face I see and it's him I dream about. And all the efforts I've made were just gone into waste. And waking up the next morning would mean another day of struggle on forgetting him and getting a life of my own... Labels: scribblings from me
