Tuesday, March 14, 2006
A Lesson in Goodbye
It was such a beautiful beginning for a love that would never be fulfilled.We started innocently enough - as friends. We talked day and night, exchanging witticisms and amusing comments on the ironies of life. You stimulated my interest, and pretty soon, you captured my heart. I used to laugh at couples who couldn't get enough of each other, when I suddenly found myself reluctant to say good night after spending the whole day with you. I couldn't sleep, wondering why tomorrow was taking so long. It was never like that for me before...
I had to laugh at the irony of it all. I used to dream of a Prince Charming who would sweep me off my feet in a dazzling romance, but there I was - in love with a guy who, for all his eloquence, barely knew how to tell me he loved me. Didn't you know? Each time you smiled, you were winning my trust. And every time you held my hand, you were touching my heart. In your arms, I was in danger of falling deeper, yet I knew I couldn't be more secure. You reached me in a way nobody else has before, and you gave me faith in things I've never had the courage to believe.
Still, I held back. What we had was wonderful, and it was so perfect, so absolutely perfect, that I was afraid to believe it could last forever. You asked me to stay, and I longed to say yes, but something was calling me to find another path, to discover what my dreams could become, to explore everything that I could be. I longed for adventure, for experience, for knowledge. Please understand that I loved you, but I couldn't give you my self without fully knowing who I was. I had to be certain I was the person you believed me to be.
And so I left to study in a world entirely different from ours. You came to say goodbye, and I couldn't bring myself to ask you to wait. How could I possibly tie you down after you had set me free?
And now, I return. I've learned enough to realize that what I had with you was love. And every time I look into your eyes, I know that I have lost it. What I haven't learned is how to stop loving you, and how to stop hurting because somebody else is spending forever in your embrace. You were the first to touch my heart, the first to win my trust, and the only one who could make eternity come true for me. You were also the first to show me how painful love can be, how it hurts, and how the wounds it caused will never truly heal.
I'm sorry. I do not regret that I left; only that I hurt you, and that I couldn't make you wait. Try to forgive me, and try to forget. Let me be the one who remembers, the one who keeps the memories alive. They are more than memories to me now, they are souvenirs of a love I know I will never again experience.
I am leaving again soon. Perhaps in my search of where I belong I will discover happiness. And perhaps this time, I will find the reason and the courage to stay.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
by garnet_fire [from peyups]
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