Sunday, February 26, 2006
Two Years...
two years of this - of spam, of VRs, and of outbreaks...
wasn't as smooth sailing as i'd like to claim, but at the end of the day - i have no regrets about coming and staying...
by the way, i made it two years without a single late...hahaha...it's such a dorky accomplishment to be proud of!!!
XOXOXOXOXOXO
February 26, 2004 - February 26, 2006Labels: random ramblings, snapshots, work-related
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
6:52 AM
Friday, February 24, 2006
Why Do I Love Him?
Why do I love him?
Tough question. I don't even know how or where to begin. I'm not sure if I could possibly find the right words to express what or how much I feel for him, let alone explain why I love him. I don't believe the English language has all the words I would need.
Why do I love him?
I guess I just do. I love him just because. I love him just because that's the most natural and possible thing to do.
I love him.
I love him because he's the most incredible, wonderful, amazing and fantastic guy I have ever known in my entire life. I love him because he's sweet, charming, smart, witty, and has a great sense of humor. I love him because he's so cool he's hot.
I love him because he makes me smile. I love him because he makes me laugh. I love him because he makes me happy. I love him because he's the one and only guy who has ever made it through my wall and seen right through my mask. I love him because he accepts the real me, imperfections and all, and still appreciates me for who I am.
I love him for being my friend. I love him because I could be whatever I want to be in front of him. I love him because we could talk about anything and everything under the sun.
I love him because I feel safe when I am with him. I love him because we are comfortable with each other. I love him for giving me a helping hand when I had to pick myself up, but couldn't. I love him for offering his shoulder for me to lean on to when I had to be strong, but wasn't.
I love him for telling me not to drink too much alcohol, then pretending to be mad at me when I did drink too much. I love him for telling me not to stay up too late at night because it wasn't good for my health. I love him for texting and sending me sweet and mushy messages. I love him for those times when he would call or text me just when I was thinking of calling or texting him, when I was feeling down, or when I was missing him, like he has gone psychic all of a sudden.
I love him for the kilig moments we had. I love him for always making me feel better, about myself and life in general. I love him for making me feel special. I love him for making me feel loved. But most of all, I love him for making me feel. I love him for making me realize that I am capable of feeling this way and this much for someone. I love him for making me feel alive.
So, why do I love him?
I love him because he's all of these and more. So much more. I love him because he's everything. He's everything...but mine.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
by babyanne [from peyups]
for him whom i love with all my heart - i love you without knowing exactly why i do or until when i'd keep doing so...it hasn't been an easy journey and even though i know you don't love me in the same way that i love you, i'm still thankful we crossed paths when we did... Labels: articles
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
1:40 AM
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Of Valentine's Day and Dinner Invitations
I was pleasantly surprised when you texted asking me if I was doing anything that night. Honestly, I had second thoughts about accepting your dinner invitation - not because I didn't want to see you, but because seeing you on that particular day might not be in my best interest. At first I thought your text was a missent message but after awhile, I realized the initial text message was really for me. Then I thought that for some weird reason, you're probably not aware that it was Valentine's day, but as we walked to where we finally decided to have dinner, apparently you knew what that day was.
Dinner was very light and a lot of fun. We didn't talk about anything remotely serious. The conversation was mostly about other people and that TV series you got me hooked on. And it is kind of funny because the last time we were together, I was telling you about the three years of pathetic waiting I did and you were apologizing for having to tell me that there's no chance for us anymore.
I was happy to see you and to spend more time with you, but the night left me kind of confused.
You said there's someone else you like, but you asked me to dinner on Valentine's day. I doubt you're not aware that Valentine's day is usually spent either with a group of friends in a singles' night out gimmick, or in a date with somebody you like in a romantic way. And to think that the entire night even required a whole lot of extra effort from you. I mean, it was a Tuesday, which is a school night and you mentioned having an exam the next day. Then you suggested meeting in Mega Mall when you know you'd be commuting from UST. After you paid for our dinner, which you've never done before, you offered to ride home with me because you knew I was a bit apprehensive to take a cab alone at night.
I don't know what to make of everything. Were we just two friends who both happened to be free that night and then decided to have dinner together? Or were we actually out on a romantic date? I mean, did you ask me out as a good friend or as a girl you like? I don't want to give a deeper meaning to everything you did because I don't want to find myself waiting for you again. Try as I might, I can't reconcile the thought that you'd ask me out as a good friend when you very well know how I feel. You must have at least had some idea that asking me out that night might reopen a supposedly closed book. I must admit that I still love you more than anyone else in the world, and I know I have yet to completely move on, but I've already mapped out a future that doesn't include you. I don't want to change my plans just to later realize that yet again, it was all for nothing.
After we talked late last year, I conditioned myself to think that, that night would be the last time we'd see each other in at least a year. I honestly thought that night was already goodbye. I also believed, for the longest time, that you would do anything for us not to be left alone. Several times in the past, you even cancelled gimmicks at the eleventh hour just because it was down to the two of us. Then suddenly here you were asking me if I wanted to have dinner with you on Valentine's day, and this is despite knowing it will only be the two of us.
The night felt like a date, and it scares the hell out of me to think that your dinner invitation may have been spurred by guilty feelings - that you asked me out only because you felt you owed it to me. I want you to know I never blamed you for anything that happened. I know that loving you and waiting for you is my choice. What we had may have just been a pseudo-relationship, but I'll always treasure the memories because I felt the sincerity, if not the rationality, behind everything - behind every hug, every smile, and every text message we exchanged. It's enough for me to know that what we had was not my imagination, that the reason it didn't turn into something is because the timing just wasn't right. I don't think I deserve a night that felt like a date but wasn't really one. I don't want empty consolations and I don't want you to feel you owe me anything other than what is real.
I don't know what your intentions and your motivations were and I don't know if I have enough courage left in me to ask. More to the point, I'm not even sure if I am actually ready to hear the answer, whatever the answer might turn out to be.
But just the same, thank you for asking me to dinner - for sharing your Valentine's day with me. I had a lovely time. And thanks for seeing me home, even if it meant taking a cab from Mega Mall to my place and then riding the same cab back to your condo near UST. I know it took you twice the time to get back to your place than it would have had you gone straight back after we had dinner. You don't know how much I appreciate the gesture given the fact that you've always hated going out without a car. Most of all, thank you for making me believe in what you've always told me, that regardless of how things turned out between us, you still care for me.
I've always loved seeing you and spending time with you, and I don't think I'll ever get tired of doing the same things with you. But if spending time with you now means going on guilt-motivated dates, I think I'd rather not see you for awhile. I'd rather not taint the memories I have of you and of the past we shared. I would just rather that you take time out to think about the implications of your actions before doing anything else, especially since there are real feelings and emotions involved.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
my memories of you and of our past are more than memories to me now...they are souvenirs of a love i know i will never again experience... Labels: scribblings from me
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
3:11 AM
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Of Missent Messages and Transcription Boxes
What is it with you?
You're not that exceptional, not that special, not that good looking. You don't stand out, and you don't have a particularly endearing trait. Why is it though that waving your hand is enough to make me all Jell-o like inside?
Darn it.
Yeah, yeah, it feels great in a sappy, romantic kind of way, but hey, isn't it crappy that I've been holding this torch for an extremely long time and still, nothing seems to be happening between the two of us?
You do something really nice, and I say to myself, 'Yep, he likes you back.' Here it is. The universe is saying he likes you back!? My uniform seems so much whiter, my classmates seem so much nicer, the lectures a bit livelier, and Anatomy dissection a bit more bearable. I think rosier thoughts, act all giggly and goofy, and I start doing those weird things peculiar to people who are in love and who think their objects of affection loves them back.
And then weeks follow of not even hearing the tiniest peep out of you. What am I supposed to think?
I then start convincing myself that it's fruitless, stop doing those silly things, settle with someone else who likes you back, and don't even think about having a future relationship with this schmuck of a guy.
But then you call and say something really cute again, you see me and do something really sweet again and wham! The old feeling is back again like an unwanted houseguest.
And then I start acting silly and doing those weird things all over again.
Please be honest with me. I would really like to know if you do like me back. I am really getting sick of this feeling whenever you so deign to notice me when in fact, I'm just wasting my time. I do not want to feel, act, and think this way anymore when there is actually no future to be thought of between the two of us.
I've had it with pretending that each text I send you is 'missent', and that every senseless forwarded message I send you I also send to everybody else in my phonebook. I don't want to feel uncomfortable when I'm around you, all giggly when you so much as say one word to me, and feel so happy when you call out of the blue or reply to one of my senseless forwards and so-called missent messages.
I'm done with not knowing what exactly to say when you talk to me and feeling embarrassed when I make a fool of myself in front of you. I'm tired of blushing every time you catch me staring at you, and making up excuses when I bump into you.
I'm tired of doodling your name in my notebook, wondering whether we'll have 2, 4, or 10 kids, whether you'd agree to get married on the beach, and whether we'll live here in Manila or in some far off province. I'm tired of going to canned romantic movies and wishing that I was as busy as that couple in the back row, tired of trying not to look at couples publicly displaying their affection in jeepneys, buses, at the MRT, and at the back row of BSLR East, tired of always going home alone with no one to accompany me.
I don't want to watch the sunset at Manila Bay alone anymore, wishing it was you sitting next to me. I'm tired of pretending you mean nothing to me, that losing you to someone else would be inconsequential, that I couldn't care less if that girl beside you was your girlfriend.
I don't want to wake up in the morning with you on mind, looking for messages in my phone, wishing that you have somehow texted me during the night. I've had it with looking inside your classroom, wanting to catch at least a glimpse of you. I'm done with reading Pablo Neruda wishing those lines were being said to me by you.
I'm done with dreaming that you held my hand and said you liked me too, or that you held me in your arms and kissed me, or that you comforted me when I felt the world crumbling around me, or that you celebrated with me when I finally graduated from college. I don't want to hope anymore that you left a love letter in my transcription box, a bunch of flowers outside my door, or that you e-mailed me saying what I've wanted to hear from you for years.
I want to ask how you are without the words getting stuck in my throat.
I want to have an intelligent conversation with you without me saying something stupid.
I want to hold your hand and finally know what we really are to each other.
I want to take care of you, and share your troubles with you, when the world seems to be pulling you down.
I want to be with you and not wonder whether I'll see or hear from you again tomorrow, the day after that, a week after, a month from now, or years from now.
Don't leave me hoping when there is nothing to hope for.
Don't leave me wanting something that I can't really have.
Don't leave me dreaming of us when in reality there is only me, and only you.
Please. Be kind.
Tell me.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
by erendis [from peyups]Labels: articles
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
9:52 AM
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Too Much
Too many promises broken
Too many tears were shed
Too many words unspoken
Too many hearts mend.
Too many prayers unanswered
Too many calls to heed
Too many dreams were shattered
Too many words that bleed.
Too many times I fell
Too many risks to take
Too many lies to tell
Too much for love's sake.
Too much pain I feel
Too many secrets I keep
Too many feelings unreal
Too many thoughts so deep.
Too many chances wasted
Too many times I tried
Too many failures tasted
Too many questions, why?
Too many dates to set
Too many things to do
Much of too many I get
But never enough of you.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
by anonymous
for him whom i never get enough of...Labels: poems
a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @
1:39 AM
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Hindi na ko Iiyak
Ibinaba ko ang telepono at napaupo ako sa sahig. Pumikit ako. Parang biglang tumigil ang pag-ikot ng mundo ko. Hindi ko na namalayan nang tumulo ang mga luha mula sa aking mga mata.
Malinaw pa sa aking alaala noong unang beses akong umiyak dahil sa iyo. Pareho tayong pitong taong gulang. Sinabihan mo ako ng lampa at hindi na isinali sa ating magkakalaro. Sabi mo paano ako sasama sa mga laro eh hindi ako marunong mag-bike, mag-jumping rope, mag-jackstone. Hanggang grade 3 lang ako sa chinese garter, hindi ko rin magawa-gawa ang teddy bear at tsumatsamba lang ako sa 10-20. Hindi ko naman kasalanan na hindi talaga ako pisikal na tao. May asthma na ako mula nang ipinanganak ako kaya hindi ako masyadong pinapalabas ng mga magulang ko para maglaro.
Pangalawang beses ay nang malapit na tayong magtapos sa elementarya. Kinausap mo ako isang araw at sinabing hindi ako magiging valedictorian ayon sa ating adviser. Alam mo kung gaano kahalaga sa akin ang bagay na iyon. Limang taong sunud-sunod akong first honor, hindi pwedeng hindi ako ang maging valedictorian. Iniwan kita at umiyak ako sa banyo ng mga babae. Seryosong-seryoso ka kasi nung sinasabi mo yun kaya akala ko totoo. Niloloko mo lang pala ako, dahil nalaman mong ako na nga ang valedictorian.
Umiyak din ako nung JS Prom natin nung high school nang sinabi mo sa akin ang totoo na may ibang girlfriend ang ultimate crush ko. Sabi mo ayaw mo akong saktan pero kailangang sabihin mo ang totoo para mamulat ako sa katotohanan. Sabi mo pa, itigil ko na ang pag-iyak kasi nasisira ang make-up ko, sayang naman.
Nang sumunod, naiyak ako nang makita kitang umiiyak. Sabay tayong nagluksa sa pagkawala ng lolo mo. Sabay tayong hindi natulog nang kung ilang gabi para maglamay. Maghapon at magdamag ako sa burol, daig ko pa ang kamag-anak.
Matagal ding hindi mo ako pinaiyak. Hanggang ipinasya ng mga magulang mo na sa Amerika na kayo manirahan. Naaalala ko pa ang eksena sa airport. Kumawala ka mula sa pagkakayakap ko, hinawakan mo ang mukha ko, pinahid ng panyo ang mga luha at tumingin ka sa aking mga mata.
"Ipangako mo sa akin na ito na ang huling beses na iiyak ka dahil sa akin, ha?"
Umiling ako habang patuloy ang pagdaloy ng mga luha.
"Please, promise me," ang sabi mo habang pinipigilan ang mga luha mo.
"Okay, okay, I promise."
Nag-crash ang eroplanong sinasakyan nila. Kanina lang na-identify ang mga bangkay. Wala na siya.
Umiiyak na naman ako, hindi ako tumupad sa pangako.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
by jpaul [from peyups] Labels: articles
