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Aouie's Journal

Saturday, December 31, 2005

My Moving On Letter

[reposted]

This is my way of moving on, of saying goodbye to a love that was never meant to be and was never mine to begin with.

You know, I've never really understood what happened between us...how and why we came to this - not seeing each other for months at a time, barely talking, barely even on speaking terms. But then again, was there ever an us to begin with? We were just friends who kidded about having a relationship. It made us laugh to see others' reactions every time we'd tell them we've gotten together and that we call each other Hugs and Kisses. You always referred to me as "girlfriend ko" but we both know there's really nothing to it, or at least that was what we owed up to the rest of the world. Even now it would make me smile to think how fast and how far things have gone from there.

We started spending a lot of time together, talking, eating, and playing bridge...we would always choose to closely sit next to each other with your arm around my shoulders and my hand on your lap...we would hold hands and be very affectionate with each other...we even had private jokes that we didn't want to explain or share with anyone else...and every moment we spent together was fun even if we weren't doing anything at all. Friends say that there's this tenderness with which we look at each other, a twinkle in our eyes and a soft smile on our lips that held so much promise...but what we had was never formalized, no words were spoken, nothing clarified nor explicitly admitted. We were playing mind games practically all the way.

I never knew if you loved me back, I never asked. At first it was because I truly believed there wasn't anything out of the ordinary that needed questioning, and when it finally dawned on me, it was too late. You seemed to have changed your mind already. From this point onwards, things went from happy, even blissful, to downright ugly. Suddenly it was as if we didn't know each other. You stayed as far away from me as possible. This time I wanted to talk, clear things up once and for all, but you didn't want to. And no matter what I say, everything falls on deaf ears. Eventually, I thought it was better to keep my silence, to just give you the space you're asking for.

But though I may not have said anything...I loved you with all my heart, and love you still, but I'm tired - I'm tired of fighting for a love that has lived its moment...of living on memories that are special only to me...

Thank you for everything...for taking away my insecurities; for showing me that people do love me for who I am; for making me understand that people I love will hurt me but it doesn't necessarily mean they love me any less, and that when they do hurt me, it is possible to forgive, forget and move on with life; for making me realize it is possible to trust again after getting hurt. Thank you too for giving me the most painful lesson in my life thus far...that the moment you love someone you have given him the capacity to hurt you, that how much you hurt is equal to how much you have loved, that getting hurt is proportionate to having too many expectations. Thank you for accepting me and allowing me enough room to grow at the same time...for inspiring me and making me want to become a better person. Thank you for being there when I needed you - for the silly and the serious moments; for making me laugh, smile and cry all at the same time; for holding my hand when I'm nervous or scared; for giving me a hug and wiping away my tears when I'm sad or confused; for never failing to make me feel better no matter how down or how depressed I've become; for unselfishly sharing my joys and my happiness. Most of all, thank you for making me feel special, for making me feel loved, even if it was so ambiguous and so fleeting I was hardly conscious about it.

I'm sorry things had to come to this - I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you after all, and I wasn't supposed to expect anything to come out of our playing pretend either. But even if everything got so painful, I'm still glad to have known you, to have had you in my life even for just a short while. I've heard people say that while some good things never last others don't even start - I guess that fits us exactly...we could have been good together...good for each other, but then since we never really gave ourselves a chance, things had ended before they even began.

I'm letting you go, I'm letting us go. I've finally accepted that this is the way things would have to be, that i should allow us both to be free enough to seek whatever it is that will truly make us happy. Even if it isn't with each other.

I must admit you probably won't be too far away from my thoughts, and that thinking of you will still bring that tinge of sadness and regret. But I'm okay. I will be okay. Loving again may take awhile though. For now, I'd concentrate on healing myself, on making myself complete on my own - so that when the right one finally comes, I'll be able to give myself to him as I would have wanted to give myself to you.

Wherever life may lead us from here...good luck!

XOXOXOXOXOXO
recent events made reposting this necessary. thanks for being honest, even if you knew you'd be hurting me with the truth.

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a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @ 3:45 PM
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Sunday, December 25, 2005

Only Me And You

I just had a dream that you were far away
And that someone else was in your arms today
Though I know it's just a dream
Still my fear is so extreme
'Coz I know that dreams could sometimes be so true
And I'll be blue.

Then I told myself
I'll always stay the same
Even if you hurt me, I will take the blame
You are all I'm livin' for
I would love you even more
I would keep the pain inside my door.

Chorus:
It's enough for me
That I have come to love the you I see
Because the heart I have
Could only want you.
I just want you to remember
even if it takes forever
I would wait until the world is through
When all that's left is
Only me and you.

Yes I told myself I'd always stay the same
Even if you hurt me
I would take the pain
You are all I'm livin' for
I would love you even more
I would keep the pain inside my door.

Repeat Chorus

I'll wait for you
you know its true
Until again I'll be with you
When all that's left
Is only me and you.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by Donna Cruz

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a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @ 7:04 PM
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Hearing from You Again



funny how one text message can make all my efforts of forgetting you go to waste...but i'm glad to hear from you just the same...merry christmas!

XOXOXOXOXOXO

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a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @ 10:50 AM
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Saturday, December 17, 2005

My Christmas Wish List

Dear Santa,

In the loving and giving spirit of Christmas, here is my 20-item christmas wish list.

1. a better political and economic situation in the philippines
2. a full length mirror
3. a professional digital camera
4. photography lessons
5. a trip around the philippines [at least one beautiful place per region]
6. an asian-pacific cruise
7. a 120GB external hard drive
8. a laptop
9. a wireless internet connection at home
10. a neopets premium account [hehehe...]

[covering wishes 11-20]
a special someone to share my wishes, my christmas, and my life with...

XOXOXOXOXOXO

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a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @ 12:13 PM
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Thursday, December 15, 2005

Quiz Results: How you are in Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.

You tend to give more than take in relationships.

You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.

You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.

You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

XOXOXOXOXOXO

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a.o.u.i.e. scribbled this @ 1:55 PM
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