Thursday, August 26, 2010
Tangled Thoughts
A little over a year ago I was asked what would make me stay. I don't remember giving an answer and I highly doubt if I did. It just didn't seem that important then. I had no idea that not even six months after that I'd be engaged in an internal struggle whether to stay or leave - that suddenly there would be an urgency to figuring out the answer to that question.A part of me wants to stay - I've actually already imagined myself growing old in this company and maybe even in this team. But events over the past year made me think if I am really where I should be.
None of the projects I've had in the past three years required the skill sets I was hired into the company for. I worked my ass off last year, accepting a scope that should have been handled by multiple teams each with several members. Deep in my heart I knew what I deserved and when I didn't get it, I wanted to leave. I felt that my efforts were not given due importance and recognition; that I was not getting respect for what I've done and what I've given. Despite these ill feelings though, I stayed. I stayed because I knew the project needed me.
But I don't have that excuse anymore.
It's been almost a month since I've transitioned out of the project I've nurtured for two years and I'm still grasping at what my day would be. Yes there are projects coming in but I don't know what my level of involvement will be with those projects or if I'll be involved at all. I've been here long enough to know that there is a picture in his mind of the whole team, of what each member's role is, but he seems to have forgotten that I cannot read his mind. He seems to have overlooked the fact that he has not yet painted the big picture for me, that he has not yet explained to me how I fit into that big picture.
I love details and the uncertainty of everything is stressing me out. It doesn't help either that I am in between projects with a lot of time to kill. Weird as it sounds, I do not enjoy having a lot of time on my hands because it is during these idle moments that the antsy feelings come back to haunt me. I already told myself that I will stay, at least give myself until the end of the year to get used to life post-transition and then re-evaluate whether to stay or leave. But my commitment is being sorely tested as I battle conflicting feelings and thoughts, a number of which are telling me to leave and seek greener pastures.
I'm still trying to hold on though. I'm still trying to find reasons to stay no matter how trivial or inconsequential. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that at end of it all the reasons to stay will outweigh the reasons to leave.
But until then, I'm here waiting, twiddling my thumbs until the next project begins, until I find my niche in the team again.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Labels: scribblings from me, work-related
