Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Last Straw
I am tired of writing about you. I am tired of reading the same regretful lines, the same sad story over and over again. I hate the fact that you make a hopeless romantic sucker out of me. I hate you for making me regret things even if it all happened five years ago. I am stuck in a deep rut because of you. I hate you more for making me hope and making me wait for you to come back so we can start all over again.I am so stupid for believing that somehow, you still feel the same about me. If you really want me back, you should have come for me a long time ago. I was a fool for believing only the things I want to see. I was a fool for nurturing the memories and keeping it alive deep within my heart for five years.
I should have known this before—you’re a big coward, a big baby who doesn’t want to grow up. You wasted your time whining and complaining about your life when you already have so much. You masked your fear and cowardice perfectly well. I told myself that your spoiled-brat attitude is a mere manifestation of creative angst, that you’ll get over it in a few years and you’ll make it big someday.
Five years has passed. Our lives have changed so much, but not my feelings. Not my goddamn feelings. I’m still in love with the angst-ridden boy I met five years ago. I am still in love with the fact that once in my life, somebody loved me the way you did; that I once hurt for someone as much as I did for you.
But you know what, life has finally slapped me awake. You’re totally over me—that I should accept. I am no longer you’re true north; I no longer make you feel as if the stars and the moon exist because of the two of us; I no longer make you feel as if you could fight the world weaponless for me. I am no longer “the one”.
Letting go and moving on for real has never felt this sad and liberating. Admittedly, you’ll always have that softest spot in my heart. No one can ever take your place. I’m quite sure that I’ll never fall in love with somebody the way I fell for you. But that’s okay. Maybe when my life is over, I’d look back and smile at the memories I lovingly preserved deep inside my stupid, young heart. Maybe I wont shed a single tear anymore, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll thank the heavens above for enlightening me and making me understand that it has never been us and there will never be us in this lifetime.
Goodbye my friend. Now I’m convinced that I was never your soulmate, that I was never for you. Maybe somebody out there is waiting for me. Or maybe not. Nevertheless, life should be more than regrets and tears or waiting for something that will never come.
Goodbye Andrei. And thank you for the memories.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
by ishda [from peyups]
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