a.o.u.i.e.

Top 10 New Year's Resolutions

2011-12-28T22:30:00.000+08:00

1. Spend More Time with Family & Friends
Recent polls conducted by General Nutrition Centers, Quicken, and others shows that more than 50% of Americans vow to appreciate loved ones and spend more time with family and friends this year. Make plans to meet up with friends for an evening of comaraderie at a favorite Pittsburgh restaurant or take the family to one of these popular Pittsburgh places for family fun. Work shouldn't always come first!

2. Fit in Fitness
The evidence is in for fitness. Regular exercise has been associated with more health benefits than anything else known to man. Studies show that it reduces the risk of some cancers, increases longevity, helps achieve and maintain weight loss, enhances mood, lowers blood pressure, and even improves arthritis. In short, exercise keeps you healthy and makes you look and feel better. Why not make this the time to start getting in shape for one of these popular Pittsburgh Area Charity Walks, Runs or Rides?

3. Tame the Bulge
Over 66 percent of adult Americans are considered overweight or obese by recent studies, so it is not surprising to find that weight loss is one of the most popular New Year's resolutions. Setting reasonable goals and staying focused are the two most important factors in sticking with a weight loss program, and the key to success for those millions of Americans who made a New Year's commitment to shed extra pounds.

4. Quit Smoking
If you have resolved to make this the year that you stamp out your smoking habit, over-the-counter availability of nicotine replacement therapy now provides easier access to proven quit-smoking aids. Even if you've tried to quit before and failed, don't let it get you down. On average, smokers try about four times before they quit for good. Start enjoying the rest of your smoke-free life! Even Allegheny County is trying to go smoke-free, and it's taken them a few tries as well. Locally, there are a variety of free support services, hotlines and smoking cessation classes to help you kick the smoking habit.

5. Enjoy Life More
Given the hectic, stressful lifestyles of millions of Americans, it is no wonder that "enjoying life more" has become a popular resolution in recent years. It's an important step to a happier and healthier you! Consider one of Pittsburgh's holistic healing centers for products designed to bring balance to your body, mind and soul. Or just get out and try something new! Take up a new hobby or try your hand at skiing. Go to a theater performance, or head to the local spa. Pittsburgh offers a wealth of artistic and recreational activities to meet just about anyone's wishes.

6. Quit Drinking
While many people use the New Year as an incentive to finally stop drinking, most are not equipped to make such a drastic lifestyle change all at once. Many heavy drinkers fail to quit cold turkey but do much better when they taper gradually, or even learn to moderate their drinking. If you have decided that you want to stop drinking, there is a world of help and support available. Pittsburgh Alcoholics Anonymous offers meetings throughout the greater Pittsburgh area. There is also a Pittsburgh group for Parents of Teenage Alcohol and Drug Abusers. There are also a number of treatment-based programs, as well as support groups for families of alcoholics.

7. Get Out of Debt
Was money a big source of stress in your life last year? Join the millions of Americans who have resolved to spend this year getting a handle on their finances. It's a promise that will repay itself many times over in the year ahead.

8. Learn Something New
Have you vowed to make this year the year to learn something new? Perhaps you are considering a career change, want to learn a new language, or just how to fix your computer? Whether you take a course or read a book, you'll find education to be one of the easiest, most motivating New Year's resolutions to keep. The Community College of Allegheny County offers a wide variety of "lifelong learning" courses, and local YMCA's offer great recreational training for beginners of all ages. Most local colleges and universities offer distance and adult education programs. Or if the arts are more your thing, places such as the Carnegie Museum of Art and the Pittsburgh Center for the Arts offer adult studio classes.

9. Help Others
A popular, non-selfish New Year's resolution, volunteerism can take many forms. Whether you choose to spend time helping out at your local library, mentoring a child, or building a house, there are many nonprofit volunteer organizations that could really use your help. The Pittsburgh Cares organization makes it easy by connecting volunteers with projects to fit practically any schedule. Or if your time is really in short supply, maybe you can at least find it in you to donate the furniture, clothing and other household items that you no longer need, rather than leaving them out by the curb to fill up our landfills.

10. Get Organized
On just about every New Year resolution top ten list, organization can be a very reasonable goal. Whether you want your home organized enough that you can invite someone over on a whim, or your office organized enough that you can find the stapler when you need it, these tips and resources should get you started on the way to a more organized life. Pittsburgh has quite a few professional organizers who can help you reduce the clutter in your life and find peace in your home. Professional Pittsburgh organizer Patty Kreamer even offers a a six-month But I Might Need it Somday! ecourse.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
by Albrecht Powell [from about.com]

2011 Christmas Wish List

2011-12-17T21:24:00.003+08:00

It's wish list day again. Here is my 2010 Christmas wish list:

1. ~~more clothes and shoes [discovered the teenager in me this year]~~
2. ~~more travel clothes and paraphernalia~~
3. ~~another perfect bag~~
4. ~~a 500GB external hard drive~~
5. ~~earn more money...maybe start a business~~
6. ~~catch up [yet again] with the TV series episodes in my external hard drive~~
7. meet erik santos in person and have my picture taken with him [jologs ako...so shoot me!]
8. ~~a four-peat UAAP championship for admu~~
9. ~~travel some more - more places in the philippines and more countries around the world~~ [went to cebu, taiwan, bangkok, and siargao - also have hong kong and macau scheduled at the end of the month]
10. a special someone

Wow! Eight wishes out of 10, i'm getting better at this as the years go by. Here is my 2011 Christmas wish list:

1. even more clothes and shoes
2. another 500GB external hard drive
3. earn more money...maybe have a sideline
4. catch up [again] with the TV series episodes in my external hard drive
5. meet erik santos in person and have my picture taken with him [jologs ako...so shoot me!]
6. a five-peat UAAP championship for admu
7. peace at home
8. feel happy and contented with what i have and where i am
9. travel some more - more places in the philippines and more countries around the world
10. a special someone

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

2010 Christmas Wish List

2010-12-17T00:01:00.009+08:00

It's that time of the year again. Here is my 2009 Christmas wish list:

1. ~~an actual kikay kit with makeup inside~~
2. ~~the perfect bag~~
3. a professional digital camera [gave up on this wish and bought a new point and shoot camera instead]
4. ~~a new external hard drive~~
5. ~~have a good sound investment i can earn money from eventually~~ [bought a condo, which i will be paying for, for the next 2.5 years]
6. ~~catch up [again] with the TV series episodes in my external hard drive~~
7. meet erik santos in person and have my picture taken with him [jologs ako...so shoot me!]
8. ~~three-peat UAAP championship for admu~~
9. ~~travel - either around the philippines [at least one beautiful place per region] or on an asian-pacific cruise~~ [went to palawan, china, and bohol - also have singapore scheduled in two weeks]
10. a special someone

Wow! Seven wishes out of 10, not bad at all...anyway, here is my 2010 Christmas wish list:

1. more clothes and shoes [discovered the teenager in me this year]
2. more travel clothes and paraphernalia
3. another perfect bag
4. a 500GB external hard drive
5. earn more money...maybe start a business
6. catch up [yet again] with the TV series episodes in my external hard drive
7. meet erik santos in person and have my picture taken with him [jologs ako...so shoot me!]
8. a four-peat UAAP championship for admu
9. travel some more - more places in the philippines and more countries around the world
10. a special someone

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

My Journey to You

2010-09-01T00:00:00.008+08:00

Three years ago when I closed his chapter in my life, I remember feeling a sense of sadness, like saying goodbye to a long-time friend. Truth be told, I was scared of letting my feelings go, of turning away from something that felt familiar. But I've made up my mind that I want my life back, that I want to be happy again. After five years I finally grew tired of waiting for him to love me. The uphill battle started and as time went by, I slowly got used to a life without him. He was no longer my first and last thought of the day and I've stopped sending him random text messages, hoping he'd reply and ask me out. For the first time since I graduated from college I was building a life away from him, a life that wasn't ruled by memories of him.

In the same year I was struggling with letting him go, I met you. We weren't close though and even after several months, our relationship pretty much stayed on the same level. I hardly knew anything about you - I didn't see you outside of work, we didn't text, we didn't chat, we hardly even worked together - but I felt comfortable with you. I don't know why but I felt good when you're around. I felt like I can tell you anything, that you understood me even if I wasn't telling you much about myself. We were a small group and I thought it was just a matter of time before we got to know each other beyond work. It was sad that I started getting to know you, started learning details about your life, only when you were about to leave.

I understood why you had to go and if I was in that situation, I'd probably do the same. But I can't deny that a part of me resented you for leaving and that same part of me hated you for sticking me with a project I didn't feel I was ready for. I felt your leaving not because of any regrets I had but because of my apprehensions for what's in front of me.

In the year and a half that you were gone, I honestly don't remember missing you. I was too focused on work, on keeping things running as smoothly as possible. 2009 was a busy year for me. Apart from work, this was the year life gave me a tough lesson on letting go. The flood that ravaged through our house forced me to let go of material possessions that reminded me of my past, of memories I should have moved on from a long time ago. It was a painful lesson and it is only now looking back that I am beginning to understand. Life wanted to teach me that with every picture, letter, and souvenir I throw away, I was also making room for new memories to take the place of old ones. Life was apparently preparing me for your return.

I was glad when I heard you were coming back but I didn't realize things would be different this time around. I didn't realize that now you're someone with whom I’ll be sharing a lot - projects, business trips, stories about your past, details about myself. I was pleasantly surprised when you understood my frustrations better than anyone else. But I guess I should have known that, because you saw the project at its inception and you knew what it was like to be doing what I've been doing for the past two years. As the months went by and I struggled with work issues, you were there doing what you can to make things easier for me. In your own way, you were taking care of me, making sure I was okay, making sure you were there if I needed someone to talk with.

I woke up one day realizing that without meaning to I had fallen for you, that I like you more than I should. I know you're not free to love someone and you have issues you need to settle and deal with first. I'm hoping though that your coming back meant you've already accepted the realities of your past. I'm praying that you're slowly coming to terms with whatever issues your old relationship left you with and that the only loose ends left are the legalities. I want to help you with what you're going through, help you heal and be there for you just like you were there for me, but I don't know how to reach out to you. I'm scared that I might do something to drive you away, that I might screw up whatever chance I have with you. I'm scared of making the same mistakes I did in the past.

I don't know if a relationship between us is possible or how good it will be if we do get into one. A quick look at how we both grew up will tell anyone that we're very different from each other. But I'm hoping that we can bridge the gap and see beyond our differences, that we can both accept each other for what we are and for what we're not. I want this chance with you and I'm willing to grow up, to accept you and your past, just to make this chance a reality. I only hope that you can meet me halfway, that you will want to work things out with me, no matter how hard and no matter what we face.

I’m putting myself on the line again and I'm crossing my fingers that this time, this story will have a different ending - a happy ending.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
loving involves two phases. the first intuitive one is loving the person in spite of who he is and the second nobler one is loving the person for who he isn't. the first one sparks love, the second one makes it last...

Tangled Thoughts

2010-08-26T17:30:00.002+08:00

A little over a year ago I was asked what would make me stay. I don't remember giving an answer and I highly doubt if I did. It just didn't seem that important then. I had no idea that not even six months after that I'd be engaged in an internal struggle whether to stay or leave - that suddenly there would be an urgency to figuring out the answer to that question.

A part of me wants to stay - I've actually already imagined myself growing old in this company and maybe even in this team. But events over the past year made me think if I am really where I should be.

None of the projects I've had in the past three years required the skill sets I was hired into the company for. I worked my ass off last year, accepting a scope that should have been handled by multiple teams each with several members. Deep in my heart I knew what I deserved and when I didn't get it, I wanted to leave. I felt that my efforts were not given due importance and recognition; that I was not getting respect for what I've done and what I've given. Despite these ill feelings though, I stayed. I stayed because I knew the project needed me.

But I don't have that excuse anymore.

It's been almost a month since I've transitioned out of the project I've nurtured for two years and I'm still grasping at what my day would be. Yes there are projects coming in but I don't know what my level of involvement will be with those projects or if I'll be involved at all. I've been here long enough to know that there is a picture in his mind of the whole team, of what each member's role is, but he seems to have forgotten that I cannot read his mind. He seems to have overlooked the fact that he has not yet painted the big picture for me, that he has not yet explained to me how I fit into that big picture.

I love details and the uncertainty of everything is stressing me out. It doesn't help either that I am in between projects with a lot of time to kill. Weird as it sounds, I do not enjoy having a lot of time on my hands because it is during these idle moments that the antsy feelings come back to haunt me. I already told myself that I will stay, at least give myself until the end of the year to get used to life post-transition and then re-evaluate whether to stay or leave. But my commitment is being sorely tested as I battle conflicting feelings and thoughts, a number of which are telling me to leave and seek greener pastures.

I'm still trying to hold on though. I'm still trying to find reasons to stay no matter how trivial or inconsequential. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that at end of it all the reasons to stay will outweigh the reasons to leave.

But until then, I'm here waiting, twiddling my thumbs until the next project begins, until I find my niche in the team again.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

2009 Christmas Wish List

2009-12-17T22:00:00.004+08:00

This is now the fifth straight year I'm doing my wish list tradition. Here is my 2008 Christmas wish list:

1. ~~a new wallet~~
2. a professional digital camera
3. ~~a new laptop~~
4. ~~improve my photoshop skills~~
5. ~~catch up with the TV series episodes in my external hard drive~~
6. meet erik santos in person and have my picture taken with him [jologs ako...so shoot me!]
7. ~~back-to-back UAAP championships for admu~~
8. double my savings
9. travel - either around the philippines [at least one beautiful place per region] or on an asian-pacific cruise
10. a special someone

Five wishes out of 10, not bad...anyway, here is my 2009 Christmas wish list:

1. an actual kikay kit with makeup inside
2. the perfect bag
3. a professional digital camera
4. a new external hard drive
5. have a good sound investment i can earn money from eventually
6. catch up [again] with the TV series episodes in my external hard drive
7. meet erik santos in person and have my picture taken with him [jologs ako...so shoot me!]
8. three-peat UAAP championship for admu
9. travel - either around the philippines [at least one beautiful place per region] or on an asian-pacific cruise
10. a special someone

XOXOXOXOXOXO

2008 Christmas Wish List

2008-12-17T21:39:00.005+08:00

I've been doing this wish list tradition since 2005 so this makes it my fourth wish list. A quick look at my old lists tell me that a lot of the items appeared on more than one of my wish lists. Here is my 2007 Christmas wish list:

1. a full length mirror
2. a professional digital camera
3. travel - either around the philippines [at least one beautiful place per region] or on an asian-pacific cruise
4. meet erik santos in person and have my picture taken with him [jologs ako...so shoot me!]
5. ~~a savings account with at least six figures in it~~
6. ~~a UAAP championship for admu~~ and UAAP tickets to all admu games for season 71
7. ~~regularization in my current job~~
8. ~~peace at home~~
9. ~~see my lola again~~
10. a special someone

Five wishes out of 10, not bad...anyway, here is my 2008 Christmas wish list:

1. a new wallet
2. a professional digital camera
3. a new laptop
4. improve my photoshop skills
5. catch up with the TV series episodes in my external hard drive
6. meet erik santos in person and have my picture taken with him [jologs ako...so shoot me!]
7. back-to-back UAAP championships for admu
8. double my savings
9. travel - either around the philippines [at least one beautiful place per region] or on an asian-pacific cruise
10. a special someone

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Last Straw

2008-09-01T14:30:00.000+08:00

I am tired of writing about you. I am tired of reading the same regretful lines, the same sad story over and over again. I hate the fact that you make a hopeless romantic sucker out of me. I hate you for making me regret things even if it all happened five years ago. I am stuck in a deep rut because of you. I hate you more for making me hope and making me wait for you to come back so we can start all over again.

I am so stupid for believing that somehow, you still feel the same about me. If you really want me back, you should have come for me a long time ago. I was a fool for believing only the things I want to see. I was a fool for nurturing the memories and keeping it alive deep within my heart for five years.

I should have known this before—you’re a big coward, a big baby who doesn’t want to grow up. You wasted your time whining and complaining about your life when you already have so much. You masked your fear and cowardice perfectly well. I told myself that your spoiled-brat attitude is a mere manifestation of creative angst, that you’ll get over it in a few years and you’ll make it big someday.

Five years has passed. Our lives have changed so much, but not my feelings. Not my goddamn feelings. I’m still in love with the angst-ridden boy I met five years ago. I am still in love with the fact that once in my life, somebody loved me the way you did; that I once hurt for someone as much as I did for you.

But you know what, life has finally slapped me awake. You’re totally over me—that I should accept. I am no longer you’re true north; I no longer make you feel as if the stars and the moon exist because of the two of us; I no longer make you feel as if you could fight the world weaponless for me. I am no longer “the one”.

Letting go and moving on for real has never felt this sad and liberating. Admittedly, you’ll always have that softest spot in my heart. No one can ever take your place. I’m quite sure that I’ll never fall in love with somebody the way I fell for you. But that’s okay. Maybe when my life is over, I’d look back and smile at the memories I lovingly preserved deep inside my stupid, young heart. Maybe I wont shed a single tear anymore, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll thank the heavens above for enlightening me and making me understand that it has never been us and there will never be us in this lifetime.

Goodbye my friend. Now I’m convinced that I was never your soulmate, that I was never for you. Maybe somebody out there is waiting for me. Or maybe not. Nevertheless, life should be more than regrets and tears or waiting for something that will never come.

Goodbye Andrei. And thank you for the memories.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by ishda [from peyups]

Taken almost 10 Years ago

2008-06-05T22:59:00.003+08:00

XOXOXOXOXOXO

First of June

2008-06-01T01:49:00.001+08:00

XOXOXOXOXOXO

One Hello

2008-05-17T23:45:00.002+08:00

If you're not afraid of what love brings
Then endings are beginnings of beautiful things
It's a chance you'll take, a chance you'll win
If someone's gonna find you, first you gotta let them in.

Chorus:
(Coz) Love begins with one hello
The hardest part is over
Now it's easy letting go
One hello is how it starts.

You might win it all or lose your heart
If you're not afraid of what you feel
Then try and keep it simple or try and keep it real
And if being real means you'll some day say goodbye.

Refrain:
Remember my friend, goodbye's not the end
It's a circle you know and it starts with one hello.

Repeat Chorus
Repeat Refrain

It starts with one hello.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by Randy Crawford

A Letter from Lola

2008-05-15T10:26:00.008+08:00

my dearest,

enjoy and be happy now. there's always tomorrow more bright and shiny for you waiting here! no worry honey, God is always good and always w/ us all. we'll always be fine and i'll still be around (hopefully) when you come and enjoy your life here w/ me. thank God, i'm fine now and will soon be in good health. think ahead for the best and i wish you all the good luck God will provide you always. take good care of yourself darling. i love you! God bless you always! love you so much!!

mommy

XOXOXOXOXOXO
December 2007

Give me a P!

2008-04-03T13:24:00.001+08:00

Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following.

They have to be real places, names, and things. Nothing made up! Try to use different answers. If the person who answered the survey before you had the same initial letter you can't use the same answers he used. You can't use your name for the boy/girl name question.

Your name: P**

Four words: Pen, Paper, Pouch, Post-it Notes

State/country: Philippines

Boy Name: Patrick

Girl Name: Peachy

Occupation: Programmer

Word that describes you the best: Punctual (ask my HS friends, my college friends, and my officemates...hehehehe!)

Something you can wear: Pants

Something found in a kitchen: Punch bowl

Name one object that is valuable to you: Phone

Something you shout: Peste!

Something you do at school: Pretend to study

Name of a friend: Patricia

Name of an animal: Pig

Name of a drink: Pina Colada

Name of a holiday: Philippine Independence Day

Name of a subject in school: Psychology of Communications (College)

Name of a cousin: PJ

Name of a fast food chain: Pizza Hut

Name of a person you're crushing or had a crush on: P******

Name of a food you like: Peaches

Name of a food you do not like: Pig Stew

Name of a kid's toy: Playdough

Name of a flowering plant: Pink rose (actually, i like white roses better)

Name of a shopping mall: Powerplant

Name of a person you like: Phillip

Name of a person you dislike: Paul *******

Name of place in your school: Penthouse (AA), Pubroom (ADMU)

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Note to Self

2008-03-12T10:14:00.003+08:00

there's always someone out there fighting a harder battle.

*breathe...inhale...exhale...*

everything's going to be fine.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Conflicted, Drained, and Scared Shitless

2008-03-10T16:30:00.003+08:00

There are so many conflicting thoughts and emotions within me that I desperately want to resolve or at the very least share with someone. But I can't resolve anything because their resolution doesn't lie within my hands. And for the life of me, I don't know who I want to talk with regarding everything. I'm usually good at knowing who I want to talk to but at this point, I'm so confused and unsure of things that I can't even determine who I think can give me comfort.

I'm physically tired with the long hours I spent in the office last week but I'm even more emotionally drained with the things going on at home and at the office. I can't cry at home like I used to because I have to be strong for my siblings and for my mom and I have to keep my wits at the office because one project after the other is starting and ending. I've never been really good at hiding the surges of emotion that I'm quite prone to having and right now I'm struggling to keep up my facade that's crumbling with every minute I spend sitting at my desk.

I have never been scared about the future and I have never wanted to run away from knowing the truth. Experience after all has taught me that however painful the truth is, it's better to know how things actually are than to keep wondering where things stand. But I'm scared shitless for the coming weeks. I'm scared of how things will eventually turn out at home and I'm scared of how things will get resolved at the office. I crave for stability and consistency even in just one part of my life and the uncertainty I'm faced with in every direction is making it hard for me to deal with what's going on.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Encounters in Cyberspace

2008-02-26T15:45:00.004+08:00

While I was helping my officemate search google for some anecdotes, I came across an article about the Palanca winners for 2007. Just like in the past couple of years, more than a few familiar names jumped out of the page. It feels weird to see the names of people I used to work with in Heights but at the same time, I can't help but feel the joy and pride that I know they must be feeling at the moment.

I don't know how to reach them but I'd still like to let tell them know that I'm very proud of them and that I'm very happy for the things they've achieved since leaving Heights. Congrats guys!

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Here I Am

2008-02-15T10:50:00.003+08:00

Here I am playing with those memories again
And just when I thought time had set me free
Those thoughts of you keep taunting me.

Holding you, a feeling I never outgrew
Though each and every part of me has tried
Only you can fill that space inside.

So there's no sense pretending
My heart it's not mending.

Chorus:
Just when I thought I was over you
And just when I thought I could stand on my own
Oh baby those memories come crashing through
And I just can't go on without you.

On my own I've tried to make the best of it alone
I've done everything I can to ease the pain
But only you can stop the rain.

I just can't live without you
I miss everything about you.

Repeat Chorus twice

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by Erik Santos

Songs from the Past

2008-02-14T16:10:00.004+08:00

It's been one hell of a distracting morning. I watched a Valentine's concert last night and though I knew I'd be hearing love songs, I wasn't prepared to hear some of the songs that were sung last night.

Passenger Seat
Hearing this brought back a host of memories. They were memories that made me smile but ones I haven't revisited in awhile. In the past months that I haven't communicated with you, I never felt a stronger urge to text you than what I felt last night. God, I miss you so much.

If You're not the One
For five years, this song carried me through all the frustrating moments. I held on to every line of the song just as I held on to the belief that we crossed paths when we did because we were meant to be together. And there wasn't anything anyone could say to dispell my notion that I was waiting for something that will make all those years worth it.

What Do We Mean to Each Other
You gave me mixed signals. But somehow, despite the pain, I preferred the familiarity of our situation to the disorientation and listlessness I experienced when I was in the process of removing you from my life and from the future I'm trying to build.

One Last Cry
After three years, I finally broke my silence. We had a heart to heart talk where I told you everything I've been wanting to say since we graduated from college. You told me the exact things I prepared myself to hear but two days later, I was crying like I haven't cried in a long time. You meant the world to me but I was ready to let you go - I was ready to set the idea of 'us' free. I promised myself that that day will be the last time I'll ever cry over you. I told myself that I'm done with waiting, that I'm ready to reclaim my life. I'm still staying true to that promise I made but after all your mixed signals, I'm still in the process of moving on.

After last night and after all the emotions and the memories triggered by the songs I heard, I suddenly don't know where I am. Suddenly, I am not too sure if I'm already okay.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

To You from Me...

2008-01-29T18:33:00.000+08:00

Dear You,

Three different strangers have told me of a would-have-been future with you and more than one common acquaintance/friend told me we have chemistry and we look cute together. Three years of hearing those things and I still don't know what exactly it is that they see.

I feel comfortable with you and yes I admit I like you. You're intelligent and humble and we can connect on various different levels (work, love, basketball, etc). But I don't think I like you enough to destroy a relationship and risk the comfortable friendship that we have.

The last stranger who mentioned you also said that a previous disappointment has left me so scared that I am unable to romantically connect with anyone. I guess it is that fear that drove me away when we had something amidst your relationship and amidst my hang-ups. There is no turning back and looking at your pictures with her has made me realize that. I'm not sure if this is regret talking or if I'm merely stating facts but whatever it is, I know that I still have the friendship that I wanted to preserve and that there is someone out there for me. And this time, he will be someone I will like enough to make me face everything I didn't even know I'm scared of.

Love, Moi

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Everything but A Ring

2008-01-25T21:48:00.000+08:00

She gave up on love a long time ago, that much I know.

Before, when she thought she was in love, she would come to me and tell me about the new man in her life. She told me time and time again that this would be the man who would take her away, the man who would do everything to make her happy. I only listened. Her eyes would sparkle with every word, and her cheeks would blush with every positive thought, every chunk of her imagination that now seemed within reach. She would giggle and tell me that she would not forget about me. Then, just weeks later, she would be packing her bags, and she would be off to some exotic destination.

But then she always came back crying, and she came back with less enthusiasm than what she had whenever she left. This is it, she would tell me. This is the last time. But then she would find someone again who would eventually leave her.

I've wondered why so many times. There was nothing wrong with her in my opinion - she had a beauty that shined more when you stared at her longer. She had a good, innocent heart, very childlike and yet containing a deep sense of maturity as well. She was charming and could sweep anyone off their feet without exerting much effort. But somehow, she keeps on falling in love with the wrong men.

They were all the same, the men she fell in love with. They were willing to give her the world, and being a young woman, what else could be more romantic? They bought her everything she asked for, and she pleased them. Yet they would end up leaving her in the end, either because they have already had their fun or because their wives found out about her.

She would always come back looking much older than she was when she left. But though she may be shedding tears and nursing fears, inside these things only made her stronger. She would go back to the world a rejuvenated person with new hope in her. Then the same thing would happen, and once again, she would close her heart off from the rest of the world.

The last time she returned, she told me she had given up on love already. She was tired, she said. The last man had done enough damage to her to last for a lifetime. That was what she told me. Indeed he had changed her life drastically. He was a single man who only wanted companionship, and she, being the innocent lady that she is, had mistaken this desire for companionship for love and passion. Indeed the passion led to their pleasure, and he left her with child. When he found out, he told her that he was willing to support her and their child, and he was willing to give anything that she asked for as long as she does not ask him to marry her. He told her he only wanted companionship, and he was not ready to settle down. When she heard this, it served as the last straw for her, and so she came home and told everyone that she was giving up on love.

Now there was a man who was constantly at her side whenever she would get her heart broken. He would always let her cry on his shoulder and tell her that things would be fine. He even offered to take responsibility for the child that she bore from the last failed relationship. For some reason that I do not know, she would not do as much as consider having this man in her life. I had dared ask her only once, and she just shrugged her shoulders in confusion and bewilderment. Maybe it was because she was still jaded when I asked, but I will never know. Anyway, he was always there, and one day he presented her with the one thing that she had always wanted - a ring.

"If you're doing that because you feel sorry for me, then just forget it," was what she answered. She let him go thinking he did not deserve her. But he refused to marry because he was waiting for her. Years later she would take him for her husband and live in utter bliss.

She gave up on love a long time ago. But then love had different plans. Love would not give up on her, and in the end it was worth the long wait.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by ishgumberry [from peyups]
there is hope after all...

Last Straw

2008-01-01T14:30:00.002+08:00

2007 Christmas Wish List

2007-12-17T10:24:00.000+08:00

This was my 2006 Christmas wish list:

1. ~~all three post secret books~~
2. a full length mirror
3. a professional digital camera
4. travel - either around the philippines [at least one beautiful place per region] or on an asian-pacific cruise
5. ~~a hand-held TV~~
6. a job, which will give me lots of money, enough free time to do non-work-related things, and loads of personal fulfillment, while at the same time reconciling my parents to my staying in the country [i can dream can't i?]
7. an asset that will actually earn me money and whose value will not depreciate with time
8. meet erik santos in person and have my picture taken with him [jologs ako...so shoot me!]
9. UAAP tickets to all admu games for season 70
10. him as my boyfriend [so tanga ako...gago naman siya eh kaya bagay pa rin kami!]

Four (or five since i have four post secret books) out of 10, one up from last year...anyway, here is my 2007 Christmas wish list:

1. a full length mirror
2. a professional digital camera
3. travel - either around the philippines [at least one beautiful place per region] or on an asian-pacific cruise
4. meet erik santos in person and have my picture taken with him [jologs ako...so shoot me!]
5. a savings account with at least six figures in it
6. a UAAP championship for admu and UAAP tickets to all admu games for season 71
7. regularization in my current job
8. peace at home
9. see my lola again
10. a special someone

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Sonnet XVII

2007-11-29T22:17:00.000+08:00

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
100 Love Sonnets, 1960
by Pablo Neruda

I Wish I could Remember...

2007-10-12T10:04:00.000+08:00

I wish I could remember that first day,
First hour, first moment of your meeting me,
If bright or dim the season, it might be
Summer or Winter for aught I can say;
So unrecorded did it slip away,
So blind was I to see and to foresee,
So dull to mark the budding of my tree
That would not blossom for many a May.

If only I could recollect it, such
A day of days! I let it come and go
As traceless as a thaw of bygone snow;
It seemed to mean so little, meant so much;
If only now I could recall that touch,
First touch of hand in hand - Did one but know!

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by Christina Rossetti

Knowing Someone Cares...

2007-10-10T21:58:00.000+08:00

It can be a lonely feeling when the phone doesn't ring.

And even though, yes, you could pick up the phone and call someone, sometimes you just need someone else to reach out first.

Ryan Paulson knows that feeling. Even though he's busy with classes at Dakota State University and a part-time job at Daktronics in Brookings, even though his parents only live a few miles away in Colman, even though he has - as of Saturday - a fiancé by the name of Cassie Moeller, sometimes he would look at his cell phone lifeline and just wish it would ring more often.

That's why a postcard posted Sept. 23 on PostSecret.com resonated deep within Paulson.

It said, "I bought the coolest phone on the planet - but it still only rings as often as my old phone did."

PostSecret is a Web site that bills itself as an art project. People are invited to send in homemade postcards that reveal a secret they've never shared before.

A man named Frank Warren started the site in 2005. About 20 postcards are put on the Web site each Sunday, and Warren's fourth book of postcards will be released next week.

Earlier this year he began accepting reader comments on the week's postcards.

Paulson's response was put online the same day the postcard appeared.

Paulson wrote, "I feel the same way. I often wonder why I even have a phone because I rarely receive calls."

Then he offered a metaphorical ear.

"If there was a way we could contact each other, that would be cool. My phone number is 605-212-7787."

A few hours later, his phone rang. It was Warren, checking to see if Paulson had submitted a real phone number and truly was willing to talk with a stranger.

Paulson said yes, and his response was on line by 7:30 p.m.

Then his cell phone started ringing.

"Within five, 10 minutes of putting it up, I'd already had a couple phone calls," Paulson says. "I was like, OK, a few people will call and maybe the one person who put it up there."

Little did he know.

Within the first couple of days, Paulson received 250 calls, so many that his voicemail told countless other callers that it could accept no more messages.

He has talked to people in almost every state, along with calls from Colombia, Scotland, England and Australia. He's talked with soldiers stationed in Iraq.

Paulson spoke for more than two hours with cousins conducting a conference call from North Carolina and Georgia. He spoke to a 45-year-old nontraditional student who shares his interest in art. He talked with a woman who had just put her children to bed.

And he learned he's not the only one out there who sometimes just wants to feel like someone out there cares.

Paulson, unknowingly, tapped into fears that many of us share: that in a busy, crammed-full life, no one remembers us; that our answering machines never flash because we simply don't matter to anyone; that in an era when communication with others is easier than ever before, we are communicating less and less.

Sensing that, Paulson took as many phone calls as he could, juggling them between his classes and his job. He also has tried to return the messages left on his phone.

Even though the original postcard and his response left the PostSecret Web site on Sunday, the calls keep coming.

While a few people warned him against what he was doing, and a few others just called to see if it was a truly private number or just a gimmick, most people just want to talk.

"The vast majority of people I talked to felt the same way: 'I know exactly how you feel, and I'm really supportive you sent in your comment because it gives me and the original sender a feeling that there's somebody out there,' " Paulson says.

Few of his friends know about his response to PostSecret, he says. He doesn't mind that.

"I don't want to talk to my friends and have them be like, 'Hey, why would yo do that?' and answering all these questions and stuff."

Paulson hasn't heard from the one person he really wants to talk to, the man or woman who wrote, "I bought the coolest phone on the planet - but it still only rings as often as my old phone did."

At least, no one he talked to identified themselves as that person.

"It's very possible they could have called and not said that was who they were," he says. "In a way I can understand them not wanting to disclose who they are further, but I think it would have been really cool to talk to the person who wrote it in the first place."

Paulson does hope that someday he will talk to that person. He wants them to know how that postcard spoke to so many people.

He thinks it has changed and affirmed the lives of total strangers.

"I wasn't thinking of trying to change all these people's lives when I put that up there," he says. "I was just trying to say, 'Hey, I feel just like you do.' "

- Jill Callison

XOXOXOXOXOXO
article originally published here

Hope and Love

2007-09-01T06:00:00.000+08:00

To love anybody is to expect something from him, something which can neither be defined nor foreseen; it is at the same time in some way to make it possible for him to fulfill this expectation. To expect is in some way to give: but the opposite is nonetheless true; no longer to expect is to strike with sterility the being from whom no more is expected, it is in some way to deprive him or take from him in advance what is surely a certain possibility of inventing or creating. We can only speak of hope where the interaction exists between him who gives and him who receives.

- Schleiermacher

XOXOXOXOXOXO

A Sad Story

2007-06-24T01:50:00.000+08:00

It's like you were given a seed of the rarest and most beautiful plant in the world. You tell yourself that it's something good and you're going to take good care of it. However, you plant it in soil that caused it to grow at a very slow pace. Concerned and a bit impatient, you over-fertilize it and over-water it. As a result, the plant reacted negatively, growing into itself instead. You then realize that before planting the seed you should have researched on the proper way to plant it and care for it. You try to save the plant but having grown into itself; you couldn't find it even in the place where you know you planted it. After awhile when you've forgotten about the plant, it suddenly springs up at a place in your house where it shouldn't be. And regardless of how beautiful the plant is, you think that the plant shouldn't be where it is because there's no room for it there - that it doesn't belong there anymore or anywhere in your house for that matter.

It's sad that when you wanted it, when it would have fit perfectly in your life, you do something and it disappears on you. And just when you've moved on and distanced yourself from it, that's when it comes back. And even sadder is that no matter how beautiful and precious you still think it is, there's no room in your life for it anymore.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by anonymous
as told by sandy

The little, the ordinary, the seemingly insignificant...

2007-05-21T09:56:00.000+08:00

A girl falls in love with a boy because he listens to her when she speaks and remembers what she said a month ago. Love is sparked by the little things – the quiet word, the gesture of compassion, the look.
- Father James B. Reuter, SJ

Loving is best done in the milieu of everyday life. When there is love, everything you do with, for and apart from your beloved is always infused with the love held precious in the heart. Only then will these little chores, the compulsory routines, essentially become more than what they are.
- Father Thomas Keating

XOXOXOXOXOXO
what the eyes cannot see, the heart can feel and what the mind forgets, the heart remembers. the ordinary things are the highlights of our life...the very things that nourish and sustain the big blessings we already have and hold. *sigh*

Closing Chapters

2007-05-07T11:11:00.000+08:00

I thought talking to you this time around would finally free me from the state of perpetual pain I've been in for the past four years. But I was wrong. As I watched you drive away that night, all I felt was weariness – an exhaustion that never felt more pronounced than it did at that particular moment. In my mind, I was saying goodbye to four years of my life that though I did not spend with you, the hope I had made it feel like you were with me and we were together.

The day after we talked, a common friend IM'ed me and somewhere along the conversation asked me if I still love you. I'm not sure if you told her we were together the night before but all I told her was that whatever I feel for you is irrelevant. And I am right. I love you and though I can honestly say that I feel I am special to you, the feeling is not enough for you to want us to be together.

Friends who knew we talked have been asking me what happened but I keep putting off talking about it because every time I so much as try to think about it too long, I start to cry. And I'm tired of crying. I want to be numb enough that when I finally talk about it, it will just be like I'm telling somebody else's story. A few days ago, I got what I wanted. I had a drinking session with some friends and I didn't cry. I didn't even get that throat-closing-choked-up feeling, not that it made me feel better about everything or that it made things easier for me.

After four years, I think I've reached the point where I'm so tired of everything I just want the truth. I just want my life back. I want to be able to go through my daily routine without wondering how you are, if you've eaten, if you've had enough sleep. I want to know what it feels like to be happy again. I'm closing this chapter of my life. Again. And this time, I want it to stay closed – the way it should have more than a year ago.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
You know what makes this night difficult? It's when after a long day of avoiding him and getting him out of my habit, I'd realize that the moment I close my eyes, it's still his face I see and it's him I dream about. And all the efforts I've made were just gone into waste. And waking up the next morning would mean another day of struggle on forgetting him and getting a life of my own...

Edna

2007-02-14T22:45:00.000+08:00

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
who told me time would ease me of my pain!

I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
the old snow melt from every mountain-side;
and last year's leaves are smoke on every lane;
but last year's bitter loving must remain.
Heaped on my heart and my old thoughts abide
there are a hundred places where I fear
to go - so with his memory they brim.

And entering with relief some quiet place
where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, "There is no memory of him here!"
And so stand stricken, so remembering him.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by anonymous

Behind Closed Doors

2007-02-08T21:03:00.000+08:00

Behind closed doors, I seek retreat
away from the eyes I fear to meet.
Burned and overwhelmed with pain,
old feelings of regret and confusion remain.

Behind closed doors, I reside
deep-seated emotions stirring inside.
Nostalgic memories of old broken promises,
again smashing my heart into pieces.

Behind closed doors, tears pervade
as thoughts of you persist to invade.
Loving and hurting seem to come as one,
as I realized things could never have forever gone.

Behind closed doors, I thrive
willing myself to survive.
Caring for you in the only way I know,
loving you yet letting you go.

Behind closed doors, where I took refuge
that from which I now slowly emerge.
Leaving behind all the sorrow,
and learning to look towards tomorrow.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
September 1996
disclaimer: i wrote this a good 10 years ago, when i was a 15-year-old hopeless romantic. i'm now 25 (insisting to be 20 years old) and though i penned my last piece of poetry more than seven years ago, i am still every inch a hopeless romantic.

Every Woman...

2007-02-03T21:37:00.000+08:00

Every Woman Should Have...

...one old love she can imagine going back to and one who reminds her how far she has come;

...enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to;

...something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour;

...a youth she's content to leave behind;

...a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age;

...the realization that she is actually going to have an old age and some money set aside to fund it;

...a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra;

...one friend who always makes her laugh, and one who lets her cry;

...a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family;

...eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored;

...a resume that is not even in the slightest bit padded;

...a feeling of control over her destiny;

...a skin care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don't get better after 30;

...a solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better after 30;

Every Woman Should Know...

...how to fall in love without losing herself;

...how she feels about having kids;

...how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship;

...when to try harder and when to walk away;

...how to have a good time at a party she'd never choose to attend;

...how to ask for what she wants in a way that makes it most likely she'll get it;

...that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents;

...that her childhood may not have been perfect but it's over;

...what she would and wouldn't do for love;

...how to live alone, even if she doesn't like it;

...whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally;

...where to go, be it to her best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn in the woods;

...when her soul needs soothing;

...what she can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, and a year.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by anonymous

What True Love Is...

2007-01-25T05:06:00.000+08:00

My boyfriend and I lived together for years and he is an Engineer by profession. I love him for his steady nature and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders.

Three months of courtship and now, two years engaged, I would have to admit that I am getting tired of it. My reasons for loving him has now become the cause of my restlessness. I am sentimental and extremely sensitive when it comes to relationships and to my feelings. I yearn for romantic moments like a little girl yearns for candy. My boyfriend is my complete opposite - his lack of sensitivity and his inability to bring romantic moments into our relationship has disheartened me about love. One day, I finally decided to tell him that I wanted to break up with him. "Why?" he asked, shocked. "I am tired, there are no reasons for everything in the world!" I answered.

He kept silent the whole night, deep in thought with a lighted cigarette.

My feeling of disappointment only increased; here was a man who can't even express his predicament, what else can I hope from him? Finally he asked me, "What can I do to change your mind?" Somebody said it's hard to change someone's personality and I guess I started losing faith in him.

Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered, "Here is a question. If you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind. Let's say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death, will you do it for me?"

He said, "I will give you your answer tomorrow..."

My hopes just sank by listening to his response.

I woke up the next morning to find him gone and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting underneath a milk glass on the dining table near the front door that goes...

My dear,

I would not pick that flower for you, but please allow me to explain the reasons further.

This first line was already breaking my heart but I continued reading.

When you use the computer you always mess up the software programs and you cry in front of the monitor, I have to save my fingers so I can help restore the programs.

You always leave the house keys behind thus I have to save my legs to rush home and open the door for you.

You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city; I have to save my eyes to show you the way.

You always have the cramps whenever your "good friend" approaches every month - I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy.

You like to stay indoors and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.

You always stare at the computer and that will not do any good for your eyes. I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old I can help to clip your nails and help remove those annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand...and tell you the color of flowers, just like the color of the glow on your young face...

Thus my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do... I could not pick that flower yet and die.

My tears fell on the letter and blurred the ink of his handwriting. And as I continued reading...

Now that you have finished reading my answer and if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your favorite bread and fresh milk...

I rushed to pull open the door and saw his anxious face tightly clutching with his hands the milk bottle and loaf of bread...

Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does and I have decided to leave the flower alone...

That's life and that's love. When one is surrounded by love the feeling of excitement fades away and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.

Love shows up in all forms, even very small and cheeky forms, it has never been a model; it could be the dullest and boring form. Flowers and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands...and that's our life...Love not words win arguments...

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by anonymous

Love Your Job but Never Fall in Love with Your Company

2007-01-23T14:42:00.000+08:00

I got this from a friend of a friend's multiply blog. It's a good read as well as a good reminder to us lowly workaholic corporate slaves. It's an excerpt from Mr. Narayana Murthy’s speech during a Mentor Session.

Mr. Narayana Murthy is the CEO of a premier IT company in India. He is one of the top 50 influential people in Asia according to the Asiaweek publication. Mr. Murthy is also the new IT advisor to the Thai Prime Minister.

Love Your Job but Never Fall in Love with Your Company because You'll Never Know when Your Company will Stop Loving You

I know people who work 12 hours a day, six days a week, or more. Some people do so because of a work emergency where the long hours are only temporary. Other people I know have put in these hours for years. I don’t know if they are working all these hours, but I do know that they are in the office this long.

Others put in long office hours because they are addicted to the workplace. Whatever the reason for putting in overtime, working long hours over the long term is harmful to the person and to the organization. There are things a manager can do to change this for everyone’s benefit.

Being in the office for long hours, over long periods of time, makes way for potential errors. My colleagues who are in the office long hours frequently make mistakes caused by fatigue. Correcting these mistakes requires their time as well as the time and energy of others. I have seen people work Tuesday through Friday to correct mistakes made after 5pm on Monday.

Another problem is that people who are in the office long hours are not pleasant company. They often complain about other people (who aren’t working as hard); they are irritable, or cranky or even angry. Other people avoid them. Such behavior poses problems, where work goes much better when people work together instead of avoiding one another. As managers, there are things we can do to help people leave the office.

First and foremost is to set the example and go home ourselves. I work with a manager who chides people for working long hours. His words quickly lose their meaning when he sends these chiding group emails with a time-stamp of 2am. Sunday.

Second is to encourage people to put some balance in their lives. For instance, here is a guideline I find helpful:

1. Wake up, eat a good breakfast and go to work.
2. Work hard and smart for eight or nine hours.
3. Go home.
4. Read books/comics, watch a funny movie, dig in the dirt, play with your kids, etc.
5. Eat well and sleep well.

This is called recreating. Doing steps 1, 3, 4, and 5 enable 2. Working regular hours and recreating daily are simple concepts. They are hard for some of us because that requires ‘personal change.’ They are possible since we all have the power to choose to do them. In considering the issue of overtime, I am reminded of my oldest son. When he was a toddler, if people were visiting the apartment, he would not fall asleep no matter how long the visit, and no matter what time of the day it was. He would fight off sleep until the visitors left. It was as if he was afraid that he would miss something. Once our visitor’s left, he would go to sleep. By this time, however, he was overtired and would scream half the night with nightmares. He, my wife, and I, all paid the price for his fear of missing out. Perhaps some people put in such long hours because they don’t want to miss anything when they leave the office. The trouble with this is that events will never stop happening. That is life. Things happen 24 hours a day. Allowing for little rest is not ultimately practical. Things will happen while you’re asleep, but you will have the energy to catch up when you wake up.

Hence, love your job but never fall in love with your company.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by Narayana Murthy

Someday

2007-01-18T08:02:00.000+08:00

Someday, you'll gonna realize
One day, you'll see this through my eyes
But then I won't even be there
I'll be happy somewhere
Even if I can't.

I know you don't really see my worth
You think you're the last guy on earth
Well, I've got news for you
I know I'm not that strong
But it won't take long, won't take long.

Chorus:
'Cause someday, someone's gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day, I'll forget about you
You'll see, I won't even miss you
Someday, someday.

But now, I know you can tell
I'm down and I'm not doin' well
But one day, these tears
They will all run dry
I won't have to cry sweet goodbye.

Repeat Chorus twice

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by Nina
please don't chase me anymore...not unless you're ready to catch me...(callie, grey's anatomy)

My Little Baby

2007-01-06T06:42:00.000+08:00

Once upon a time I had a little baby. I met him in April 2002, the summer before my fourth year in college, just a few months after he turned one. He's a smart little boy who loves to dance, clap, and talk, and he's a big eater who once cried and screamed his head off when he saw me walk away to take a call from my dad. He's a smart, sweet, and happy baby. He's my baby...my little Joseph.

Joseph was adopted and brought to Australia right before I graduated from college. I've never seen him or heard anything about him since then, not that I ever went back to the orphanage where I used to play with him for two hours a week, every week for almost a year. I know it's not anyone's fault, I even knew from the beginning that his adoption was bound to happen, but I got attached and having him leave hurts. I couldn't bring myself to go back because I figured if I don't see for myself that he's not there anymore, I can always pretend that he's still there but I'm just too busy to visit.

It's his sixth birthday today and I know he doesn't remember me or a single thing we did. But it's okay. I can remember for the two of us...

I remember playing blocks with him...I remember watching cartoons with him sitting on my lap...I remember helping him eat Jolly Spaghetti and Yumburger...I remember the swimming trip in Antipolo, the mini-concert on the Bel Field, and the Ecopark field trip in my old high school...most of all, I remember him falling asleep in my arms with me thinking that there really is nothing in the world more peaceful than having a child fall asleep in your arms.

Happy birthday my dearest baby. I know you don't remember me and probably will never have any memory of us spending time together, but know that there will always be someone here, back home, loving you, thinking of how you are, and praying for your well-being. Be good to your parents, okay? And be the best person you can be. How I wish I could see you today so I can give you a big birthday hug.

I love you Joseph and I really, really miss you.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

A Collection of Random Quotes

2007-01-02T15:01:00.000+08:00

As we grow older, it becomes difficult to just believe. It's not that we don't want to, but too much has happened and we can't.
- Samantha, Now and Then

I went looking for my ideals outside of myself. I discovered it's not what the world holds for you, it's what you bring to it. The dreams dearest to my heart are right here.
- Anne Shirley, Anne of Green Gables: The Sequel

If you love someone you say it, you say it right then, out loud. Otherwise the moment just passes you by...
- Michael O'Neill, My Best Friend's Wedding

I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
- Harry Burns, When Harry Met Sally

Love means never having to say you're sorry.
- Oliver Barrett IV, Love Story

Even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me.
- Holden McNeil, Chasing Amy

I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.
- Seth, City of Angels

William: I live in Notting Hill. You live in Beverly Hills. Everyone in the world knows who you are, my mother has trouble remembering my name.
Anna Scott: I'm also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.
- Notting Hill

Michael: Why me?
Mia: Because you saw me when I was invisible.
- Princess Diaries

I love you without knowing how, why, or even from where. I love you straightforwardly without complexities or pride. I love you because I know no other way than this. So close that your hand, on my chest, is my hand. So close, that when you close your eyes, I fall asleep.
- Patch Adams, Patch Adams

You are everything I never knew I always wanted.
- Alex Whitman, Fools Rush In

Kyle Davidson: You want me to tell you how I feel about you?
Miranda Presley: Yeah.
Kyle Davidson: Okay, okay. Uh, sometimes you hear a song on the radio and it's just the song you want to hear right then, and then it's over and you're just glad you heard it.
Miranda Presley: And I'm like that song?
Kyle Davidson: No, you're nothing like that song. You're like if that was the only song in the world that I could hear for the rest of my life. You're that song.
- The Thing Called Love

Henry: Do you really think there is only one perfect mate?
Leonardo da Vinci: As a matter of fact, I do.
Henry: Well then how can you be certain to find them? And if you do find them, are they really the one for you or do you only think they are? And what happens if the person you're supposed to be with never appears, or, or she does, but you're too distracted to notice?
Leonardo da Vinci: You learn to pay attention.
Henry: Then let's say God puts two people on Earth and they are lucky enough to find one another. But one of them gets hit by lightning. Well then what? Is that it? Or, perchance, you meet someone new and marry all over again. Is that the lady you're supposed to be with or was it the first? And if so, when the two of them were walking side by side were they both the one for you and you just happened to meet the first one first or, was the second one supposed to be first? And is everything just chance or are some things meant to be?
- Ever After

Albert: You know, honestly, I never knew I could feel like this. You know? I swear I'm, I'm going out of my mind. It's like I want to throw myself off of every building in New York. I, I see a cab and I just wanna dive in front of it because then I'll stop thinking about her.
Hitch: Look, you will. Just give it time.
Albert: That's just it. I don't want to. I mean, if this is the only way I can stay connected with her, then... well, this is who I have to be.
- Hitch

We need a witness to our lives. There are a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'.
- Beverly Clark, Shall We Dance (2004)

I'm going to feel this way until I don't feel this way anymore.
- Sandy, Tootsie

I think sometimes... you have to lose somebody completely before you can figure out what they really mean to you.
- Dawson, Dawson's Creek (TV)

Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too - even when you're in the dark. Even when you're falling.
- Morrie Schwartz, Tuesdays with Morrie (TV)

I don't give a crap about what other people think of me. Because I'm a happily independent and successful woman and I like it that way, only when you say stuff like this, it just makes things too hard. So please, don't chase me anymore, unless you're ready to catch me.
- Callie, Grey's Anatomy (TV)

My father told me there are two types of girls: the ones you grow out of and the ones you grow into. I hope I'm the latter. I may not be the one you love today, and that hurts. But I'll let you go for now, hoping one day you'll fly back to me. Because I think you're worth the wait.
- Chloe, Smallville (TV)

Luc: Why are you chasing after him, after what he's done to you?
Kate: Because I love him!... And because I'm afraid that if he doesn't come back, it'll hurt so much that part of me will just shrivel up and die and I'll never be able to love anyone ever again.
- French Kiss

Love isn't about ridiculous little words. Love isn’t about grand gestures. Love isn’t about airplanes pulling banners over stadiums, proposals on jumbo-trons, giant words in sky writing. Love is about going that extra mile even if it hurts, letting it all hang out there. Love is about finding courage inside of you that you didn't even know was there.
- Gabe, Little Manhattan

I wonder if you think about me half as much as I think about you.
- Adam, Untamed Heart

Nothing could possibly match that moment. It's everything you wait a lifetime for and that dream finally came true. What else could ever come close?
- Peter Colt, Wimbledon

But in the end, the most important thing to accept is that no matter how alone you feel, how painful it may be, with the help of those around you, you'll get through this too.
- JD, Scrubs (TV)

XOXOXOXOXOXO
25 quotes taken from the 39-page movie and tv show quotes i've compiled.

Of 365 Days and More

2006-12-29T11:00:00.000+08:00

A week ago, I was looking forward to my first Christmas break in two years and hating the fact that three days before Christmas I have yet to do any Christmas shopping. A month ago, I was on my last shift in Trend Micro - editing my last VRs, cleaning out my locker, and packing away two years and nine months worth of junk. Exactly a year ago, we were in Mega Mall having dinner and laughing our hearts out watching Ako Legal Wife. I didn't even realize until I was on my way home yesterday that it's already been a year since that night you brought me home and I finally had you read my moving on letter.

In the past year, so much has changed in my life. I remember telling you that night, "malay mo this time next year marami ng nagbago, malay mo wala na ko sa Trend by then," and although I had an entirely different scenario in mind when I said that, in effect the same thing still happened. I am no longer with Trend Micro and it is at a much earlier time than I anticipated two months ago. You also started clerkship last April and we haven't seen each other since we went out on Valentine's Day. My world as I've always known it to be has changed, except I am still not over you and I have yet to let go of every what could have been and every what could still be in the past that we shared.

When I got home after we talked, I thought that was it. I thought I'd never see or talk to you again. But then Valentine's Day came along and the life I was rebuilding was shattered yet again. A friend asked me once if I'd still choose to go through everything that happened between us if I knew in the beginning how things would eventually turn out. I thought things over for awhile, going through in my mind every single happy and sad moment I had with and because of you, and I told her I wouldn't change anything. I'd still choose to go through every moment of those four years and I'd still choose to feel every bit of happiness and every bit of pain because with those came the lessons that brought me to where I am now.

The last 365 days were full of changes - some happy, mostly painful. I've changed and grown so much, not just in the past year but ever since that fateful day in September 2002, and I'd like you to know you were a big part of every transformation I went through. Despite everything, thank you. Thank you for the love that though not mine, made me feel special even for just that moment in my life; thank you for the happy memories that never failed to make me smile; thank you for the pain that made me stronger; and most of all, thank you for the truth that made me realize I have a choice. I've always had a choice and four years ago, I chose to love you.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

2006 Christmas Wish List

2006-12-17T17:33:00.000+08:00

This was last year's Christmas wish list:

1. a better political and economic situation in the philippines
2. a full length mirror
3. a professional digital camera
4. photography lessons
5. a trip around the philippines [at least one beautiful place per region]
6. an asian-pacific cruise
7. ~~a 120GB external hard drive~~
8. ~~a laptop~~
9. ~~a wireless internet connection at home~~
10. a neopets premium account [hehehe...]

[covering wishes 11-20]
a special someone to share my wishes, my christmas, and my life with...

Three out of 11 [or 20 if we go by technicalities], have to do better than that this year. Oh well...this is my 2006 Christmas Wish List:

1. all three post secret books
2. a full length mirror
3. a professional digital camera
4. travel - either around the philippines [at least one beautiful place per region] or on an asian-pacific cruise
5. a hand-held TV
6. a job, which will give me lots of money, enough free time to do non-work-related things, and loads of personal fulfillment, while at the same time reconciling my parents to my staying in the country [i can dream can't i?]
7. an asset that will actually earn me money and whose value will not depreciate with time
8. meet erik santos in person and have my picture taken with him [jologs ako...so shoot me!]
9. UAAP tickets to all admu games for season 70
10. him as my boyfriend [so tanga ako...gago naman siya eh kaya bagay pa rin kami!]

XOXOXOXOXOXO

The Post-Trend Experience

2006-12-15T22:14:00.000+08:00

I started my new job last December 5 and though everything's been pleasant enough for me, I must admit that there are things that I miss. As I told one of my ex-officemates, I am Trend-sick.

Before I actually left Trend, I knew I'd miss the network shares, but what I wasn't able to anticipate was how much I'd actually miss it. There are no network shares to speak of in EMCI. We also don't get to have administrator access to our own PCs, the sounds have been disabled, and our PCs do not recognize external drives. We cannot install anything without the IT knowing about it simply because they are the only ones who have install capabilities on all PCs in the office. I can't listen to MP3s on my PC because the sounds have been disabled, not that we'd even get to put MP3 files in our hard drives because, unless you send your MP3s to your yahoo email address, there's no way any external drive can be opened on the PC.

On a positive note though, no flash drives mean we're not expected to bring any work home. I have AIM installed on my PC, and recently our Project Manager requested for YM and Skype, and I can still play [at least briefly] neopets and blog my heart out, so I'm pretty much okay. As an additional perk, I get to have my own cubicle and my own set of drawers this time.

I miss my old work schedule. I miss being able to go to the mall, to Ateneo, to Quiapo, to Divisoria, to basically wherever I please, during weekdays without worrying over any traffic or weekend crowds. I also used to be able to stay up all night and not worry about work the following day. But I love flexi-time. I love arriving at work early in the morning and leaving the office before rush hour begins. I've also learned to sleep during the long FX ride to and from the office. My transportation expenses have more than doubled since I started working in Makati [from 800 a month to 2,000 a month] but I've stopped eating out and started bringing lunch to the office and oddly, my overall expenses have decreased.

I enjoy having my weekends and holidays back, not to mention being able to schedule gimmicks with friends because I finally have a normal work schedule. This December is the first time in two years that I wouldn't be spending part of Christmas or New Year anywhere near the office. I will sort of miss it though because Christmas and New Year in Trend is a lot of fun. But then again, it's okay. I'm perfectly fine where I am.

This will sound weird, but I miss the noisy work environment in Trend. I miss the sudden bursts of laughter, the noisy chatter, and the work, chat, talk, and eat at the same time habits of everyone in the office. EMCI is so freaking quiet that I sometimes hate walking around because the clip clop sounds of my boots echo in the hallway. I also find it hard to adjust to the fact that barely anything is communal. I have my own mug, my own stash of toilet paper, and my own sponge and bottle of dishwashing liquid inside my drawer. And as far as officemates are concerned, I really miss the people in Trend - with the little tiffs and YM status wars, the little practical jokes, and the surprise emails you get in your mailbox that liven up an otherwise boring shift. Every time I see an unlocked PC in EMCI, I smile to myself because I know that had that happened in Trend, especially in my old shift, that unfortunate and forgetful being would have already been the butt of a joke known as the "I've always loved you pare" email, with everyone else in the BCC field.

Trend wasn't my first job and I always knew Trend wasn't the status quo as far as companies go, but I did stay for almost three years and I know I have a lot of adjusting to do. It's just kind of ironic that a security company like Trend Micro is a whole lot more lax as far as PC rights and work environment is concerned.

Right now, I barely know anyone in EMCI and even after two weeks in the office, I still do not consider myself settled, especially since I have yet to do anything productive [unless you count the 39 pages worth of movie and TV show quotes that I was able to compile as I pretended to be busy and occupied]. But I know I will settle in eventually, make new friends, and get used to a new environment and a new routine. I am still in the process of getting over my Trend-sickness and I am not ashamed to say so. One of my ex-officemates, who resigned before I did, said that getting out of Trend is like having a breath of fresh air. I never said I hated Trend, I just said I was tired. My almost three years in the company, though not smooth-sailing, wasn't all that bad. I have a lot of good memories that I wouldn't exchange even for the highest-paying job in the world.

I miss Trend, I miss the people, and I miss my old routine. But though I wouldn't change anything that happened even if I could rewrite history, I know in my heart that I am not willing to go back. I may not yet be adjusted, but I'm okay. Trend Micro will always be a part of who I am but I have moved on and there's no turning back.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
today is the effectivity date of my resignation. i am officially no longer an employee of Trend Micro...

Last Day...Last Entry...

2006-11-29T20:49:00.000+08:00

Today is my last day in Trend Micro.

A few minutes ago, I was creating the mailing list for my sentimental farewell shit and I realized how few of those I would even care to say goodbye to are still here. It's sad to leave because this has been my comfort zone for the last two years and nine months but I know deep in my heart it's time to go on with life. Along with a lot of junk from my locker and my desk, I'll be bringing with me memories of people and moments I'll never forget.

On Tuesday, I start my new job.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
i'll miss the schedule...the people...and of course the network shares...*sigh*

oh and by the way, i am ms. november, the 9th resignee in the techwriter team in just a little over a year.

Quiz Result: Do You Have a Type A Personality

2006-11-23T12:28:00.000+08:00

You have a Type B+ Personality.

You're a pro at going with the flow.
You love to kick back and take in everything life has to offer.
A total joy to be around, people crave your stability.

While you're totally laid back, you can have bouts of hyperactivity.
Get into a project you love, and you won't stop until it's done.
You're passionate - just selective about your passions.

Do You have a Type A Personality?

XOXOXOXOXOXO

i am moving on...

2006-11-15T20:27:00.000+08:00

things went a little too fast,
believe it or not, i am sad -
but it's been almost three years
and i think it's time for me to move on...

XOXOXOXOXOXO
this is to mark the significance of today in my life. and no, i am not referring to my love life (or the lack of it...)

You Must Let it Go

2006-11-09T08:01:00.000+08:00

You cannot erase the past;
You must let it go,
you must accept the
lessons learned.

You cannot stop time
or stand still in a world
racing round in circles;
You must dance with the wind
and sing with the songs
that are playing.

Let whatever mistakes
you have made
remain in the shadows
of times gone by,
to the mysteries in life.

Keep looking...
for the peacefulness
you are searching for
Keep believing...
in the contentment
you talk so endlessly about
Keep trying...
to be all that you are.

Remember...
the magic in life ends
whenever you decide
you have everything.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by anonymous
got this from a friend's blog

A Message in a Bottle

2006-10-28T07:52:00.000+08:00

My heart may not be full, my life may not be perfect, and my mind may not be clear. However, my soul remembers the one who taught me about real love, happiness, and contentment. The soul remembers the one who looked inside of me and saw who I was on the inside instead of just the outside. The soul remembers the one who taught me what romance really means. The soul remembers the one who saw the goodness inside my heart for others. The soul remembers the one who would leave special notes around for me to find. The soul remembers the look in his eyes when we would see each other. The soul remembers the feel of his heartbeat when we hugged. The soul remembers the feel of his hand when he would touch my face. The soul remembers the feel of his gentle kiss. The soul remembers the sound of his voice when he sang our song. The soul remembers how it felt when he would wrap his arms around me. The soul remembers him, always...

All the love in my heart, I give to you. Always.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by anonymous
i found this while surfing the net a few months ago. it was blogged under the title: "What Would You Write If You Could Write A Message In A Bottle?" - here's mine...

Beyond Forgetting

2006-10-24T11:51:00.000+08:00

For a moment I thought I could forget you.
For a moment I thought I could still the restlessness in my heart. I thought the past could no longer haunt me - nor hurt me. How wrong I was!

For the past, no matter how distant, is as much a part of me as life itself. And you are part of that life. You are so much a part of me - of my dreams, my early hopes, my youth and my ambitions - that in all my tasks I can't help remembering you. Many little delights and things remind me of you.

Yes, I came. And would my pride mock my real feelings? Would the love song, the sweet and lovely smile on your face, be lost among the deepening shadows?

I have wanted to be alone.
I thought I could make myself forget you in silence and in song...And yet I remembered. For who could forget the memory of the once lovely, the once happy world such as ours?

I came because the song that I kept through the years is waiting to be sung. I cannot sing it without you. The song when sung alone will lose the essence of its tune, because you and I had been one.

I have wanted this misery to end, because it is part of my restlessness. Can't you understand? Can't you divine the depth and the tenderness of my feelings towards you? Yes, can't you see how I suffer in this even darkness without you?

You went away because you mistook my silence for indifference. But silence, my dear, is the language of my heart. How could I essay the intensity of my love when silence speaks a more eloquent tone? But, perhaps, you didn't understand...

Remember, I came because the gnawing loneliness is there and will not be lost until the music is sung, until the poem is heard, until the silence is understood....until you come to me again.

For you alone can blend the music and memory into one consuming ecstasy. You alone...

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by Rolando A. Carbonell
for him whom i thought i could forget...

Things to Do

2006-10-16T07:23:00.000+08:00

Got this from Tonton.

Instruction: Highlight the ones you've done.

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain [partially though]
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said 'I love you' and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight [cake fight actually]
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can [cheering at UAAP games usually]
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse [of the heart???]
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
42. Had amazing friends [still have them]
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs [eeewww...geek!]
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke [i'm sure hindi counted yong "listened to someone sing karaoke"!]
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Posed nude in front of strangers
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class [judo for PE]
71. Played DVD for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Had a one-night stand
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge [pwede bang ridden a car across it?]
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Petted a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school [kelangan ba nag-aral? pwedeng yong dumalaw lang?]
131. Parasailed
132. Petted a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad
135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions [not on purpose]
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone's life [but i didn't know it until a year after]

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Seven Songs

2006-10-12T18:22:00.000+08:00

Tagged by Arbet

List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to.

1. Ewan - Imago
2. You're Still the One - Shania Twain
3. Your Love - Erik Santos
4. Kisapmata - Erik Santos
5. Umagang kay Ganda
6. Anything for You - Nina
7. Nakapagtataka - Sponge Cola

XOXOXOXOXOXO
I tag the following:
Paul, Trisha J, Noreen, Eric, Tonton, Iris, Rica

alles Gute zum Geburtstag

2006-10-12T08:15:00.002+08:00

alles Gute zum Geburtstag my dearest. here's a virtual cake for you. i hope you have wonderful day ahead.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Birthday Eve

2006-10-11T23:47:00.000+08:00

it's the eve of your birthday and here i am waiting for midnight so i can greet you. how i wish i could see you tomorrow and greet you personally. but that's not possible - i have work and i know you're on duty.

just 13 minutes more...

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Of New Numbers and Text Messages

2006-10-08T11:29:00.001+08:00

last night as i was drifting off to sleep, a text message came in and with half-closed eyes i read the text. it was an unknown number informing me of a new number. but the nitwit who woke me up forgot to say whose new number it was. while i was composing a polite "who's this" text message, another message came in.

so you changed numbers...

XOXOXOXOXOXO

The Thing About AA Girls

2006-10-04T18:13:00.000+08:00

Got this from my sister's blog. I modified it a bit though.

1. The AA girl has mastered the art of balancing a plate of pasta on top of a cup of iced tea, and eating it from there while standing or walking
2. The AA girl will bargain with the manangs in the cafeteria to get a larger quantity of food
3. The AA girl always look forward to being the last person to buy shake or iced tea or baked mac/spaghetti/carbonara/palabok from a manang because the manang will always give her excessive amounts of them, just so all the food would be finished. No extra charge
4. No matter how lady like AA girls are, when it's carbonara day, everyone runs to the cafeteria line
5. The AA girl has mastered the art of buying recess, eating, researching in the LRC, and doing the usual bathroom rituals all within the 20 minute recess period
6. When it comes to schoolwork, the AA girl has mastered the art of cramming
7. The AA girl's batch always dislikes the batches lower and higher than them
8. Most AA girls went through the "I like Sir Louie" stage and then vehemently deny they ever went through it
9. All AA girls love Sir Beni
10. AA girls never follow the 3-inches-below-the-knee skirt rule and the 2-inches-below-the-knot necktie rule
11. The younger the AA girl is, the shorter the skirt and the longer the necktie is and the older the AA girl gets, the longer the skirt and the shorter the necktie becomes
12. The AA girl will always be 'game' to sit ANYWHERE - the floor...the grass...the teachers table...the observer's table...regardless of who's around
13. The AA girl hates taga-bundok comments
14. The AA girl hates make tusok-tusok the fishball comments
15. AA girls are definitely not cono
16. Regardless of how many years an AA girl has studied in AA, she will always dread Ms De Vera's Assumption School Song quiz...she never gets it exactly right
17. Right after singing Lupang Hinirang, an AA girl will automatically raise her right hand (shoulder lever) to recite the Panatang Makabayan
18. There is a set dialogue between all AA students and Mrs. Aguilos after every Mass. It's so scripted it was as if you're pressing a rewind button:

Mrs. Aguilos: Alright... so did you sing well?
AA Girls: (screaming) YEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS! (stop)
Mrs. Aguilos: Did you participate in the mass well?
AA Girls: (screaming louder) YEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!! (stop)
Mrs. Aguilos: Alright. And BECAUSE...(pause)
AA Girls: (cheering) YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!! (stop)
Mrs. Aguilos: Its (place name of special occasion here)... (pause)
AA Girls: (cheering still) YAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!! (softens but is continuous)
Mrs. Aguilos: We are going to haaaave... (pause)
AA Girls: YAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!
Mrs. Aguilos: ...a LOOONG RECESS!
AA Girls: (extreme cheering, laughing, rejoicing) YAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!!

XOXOXOXOXOXO

My Message in a Bottle

2006-10-02T22:09:00.000+08:00

My dearest Hugs,

UAAP season has just ended and Ateneo has lost the Championship to UST. A million memories have been flooding back in my mind since the finals series began more than a week ago - memories of college and memories of happy moments with you.

The other day, a friend asked me if I can remember the last time I was happy with you. And without even stopping to think twice, I said Valentine's Day. After all, that was the last time we were together. You treated me to dinner and took a cab home with me afterwards. It was a pleasant surprise and to this day, I have no idea why you did the things you did for me that night. No regrets though, it was a wonderful date and I am thankful even just for that one night.

During the typhoon, with nothing else to do but think, I realized how pathetic I have been the past four years. Time and again I told myself that I want to let everything go, that I really owe it to myself to move on. But then, if I'd just be honest with myself, I'd admit that despite knowing what I should do, moving on scares the hell out of me. I knew, for four years, how I felt for you and even if for a great part of those years I didn't know exactly where we stood, I held on to the familiarity of the situation. I stubbornly held on to the hope that one day you'd realize how much I mean to you and when that day comes we can finally give what might have been another a chance.

I don't know what I'm writing this for, I doubt if you'd even get to read this. All I'm certain of is that I love you and I'm still hoping. I know that whoever gets to read this would scold me for feeling the way I do, but saying differently would be a lie. I'm not proud of it, I know what should be, but it's how I feel and I stand by it.

'Til the next time my Hugs.

Yours, Kisses

P.S.
You know, I haven't called you that for longer than I can remember and I really miss it. I really miss you.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
if you can't let go now, either you never will or you're not supposed to...

After Two and a Half Months

2006-09-25T07:35:00.002+08:00

i've been really bad with updating my blog. it's just that, it's that time of the year again and my life is on hold. hahahaha...

these have kept me busy the past 2 and a half months...

XOXOXOXOXOXO
apart from my usual obsessions, not much has been happening in my life...

@ Linden Suites

2006-07-04T10:06:00.001+08:00

XOXOXOXOXOXO
Jun 30-Jul 1, 2006

Weekend with Old Friends

2006-06-14T10:50:00.001+08:00

before

after

XOXOXOXOXOXO
New World Hotel, Jun 10-11, 2006

Scrubs Season 1: My Sacrificial Clam

2006-06-08T11:07:00.000+08:00

You know, when you start med school, they warn you that you're gonna have to make sacrifices. But I guess that means different things to different people. Like giving up something you really want now for something you wanted your whole life. Or spending less time on yourself so you can spend more time with someone you love. At some point you might even have to give up your own sense of safety and well-being. But after awhile, it doesn't feel like you're giving up anything at all...
- JD, Scrubs Season 1

i don't really know if you were thinking along the same lines as Elliot did, but you did tell me once that you wanted to be a doctor since you were 5.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Maybe

2006-06-06T20:26:00.000+08:00

If we both decide to try and make it one more time
I hope we take the time to know each other well
And if the answers don't come quick we'll go with how it feels
And sometimes that's not yes or no but...

Chorus:
Maybe there'll be no falling stars this time around
I still believe that
Honesty is all we'll ever need...
(You and me again/Can we make it through), maybe...

You keep asking me if I will love you for all time
If two of us will be enough to make it strong
And if we learn to keep it free and let each other grow
We'll find out there's no yes or no just...

Repeat Chorus

No candles or guitar this time around (this time around)
I still believe that
Honesty is all we'll ever need (all we'll need)
You and me again (maybe)
Maybe...

Maybe there'll be no falling stars this time around (this time around)
I still believe that
Honesty is all we'll ever need...
(till fade)

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by Roberta Flack and Peabo Bryson

Can't Cry Hard Enough

2006-06-05T10:50:00.000+08:00

I'm gonna live my life
Like everyday's the last
Without a simple goodbye
It all goes by so fast.

Chorus:
And now that you're gone
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now.

Gonna open my eyes
And see for the first time
I've let go of you like
A child letting go of his kite.

Refrain:
There it goes up in the sky
There it goes beyond the clouds
For no reason why
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now.

Gonna look back in vain
I see you standing there
When all that remains
Is just an empty chair.

Repeat Chorus
Repeat Refrain

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by The Williams Brothers
*sigh*

sigh

2006-05-28T13:38:00.001+08:00

wish you were with me...

XOXOXOXOXOXO
punta fuego - may 25-26, 2006

Pasakalye

2006-05-22T18:43:00.000+08:00

Well...oh...
Basically...actually...
You know...(I love you!)

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by anonymous

Mr. Holland's Opus

2006-05-22T09:10:00.000+08:00

"Mr. Holland had a profound influence on my life and on a lot of lives I know. But I have a feeling that he considers a great part of his own life misspent. Rumor had it he was always working on this symphony of his. And this was going to make him famous, rich, probably both. But Mr. Holland isn't rich and he isn't famous, at least not outside of our little town. So it might be easy for him to think himself a failure. But he would be wrong, because I think that he's achieved a success far beyond riches and fame. Look around you. There is not a life in this room that you have not touched, and each of us is a better person because of you. We are your symphony Mr. Holland. We are the melodies and the notes of your opus. We are the music of your life."
- Gertrude Lang, Mr. Holland's Opus

regardless of how many times i watch this scene, i still get teary-eyed. it must have felt really good to retire and know that you touched a lot of lives in a very significant way.

after last weekend, i remembered why i wanted to be a teacher when i was in high school. i think i might have just fallen in love with teaching all over again...

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Disillusionment

2006-05-18T12:28:00.000+08:00

i think i've just been disillusioned a million times over...

i hate it every time life reminds me that people are not always what they seem to be, that i can't and shouldn't take things or people at face value. i hate it when something happens and i realize that the people i always thought i can trust with my life are not worthy of my trust in the first place. i hate it when all i want to do is sit in a corner and cry my eyes out, and i can't do so because such an act will merely spawn a million more controversies and uncalled for comments.

unfortunately, i move in a circle where one is condemned for being concerned about having everything the way it should be and damnation welcomes the one who actually voices out concerns, no matter how legitimate they may be. to anyone who ever took offense on anything i got concerned about - i'm sorry. i'm sorry i ever used the brains i was born with and i'm sorry i ever stood by the principles instilled in me by 17 years of catholic education.

i always thought i already had everyone's number, that nothing anyone can do will disillusion me anymore than i already am. but i guess the joke's on me again. apparently, some things are still capable of penetrating the shell i built around myself, that the things i always thought i've already accepted can still make me want to cry and throw whatever i get my hands on. apparently, i still am vulnerable, naive, and idealistic.

it happened in high school, it happened in college, and it's happening again now. history repeats itself, yet again. maybe because i never really learned my lesson in the first place...

XOXOXOXOXOXO
if you're a serpent slithering around my little paradise, please reveal yourself before i get complacent and trusting again - before i retreat into my naive little world again...

Countdown

2006-05-17T19:52:00.000+08:00

10 Songs in My Playlist:

1. So Much In Love - Sheena Easton
2. Anything for You - Nina
3. I Need You - Mark Bautista
4. Invisible War - Julia Fordham
5. Could've Been - Tiffany
6. Seasons - Passage
7. True - Ryan Cabrera
8. Somewhere in My Past
9. I Can
10. Ikaw ang Lahat sa Akin (Medley) - Erik Santos

9 Things I Can See:

1. computer screen [with my wallpaper of pictures], keyboard, mouse [and everything else that make up the phrase 'computer terminal']
2. my trend bag [which every person in the office has one exactly like it, and most of them use it as well]
3. trend calendar [found on almost every desk here in the office]
4. comb and mirror
5. ipod
6. candy tin can
7. styrocup of water
8. row of lockers
9. blue pilot sign pen

8 Things I Did Today:

1. chat with friends
2. surf the internet
3. eat
4. work [edit VRs]
5. copy new MP3s
6. listen to MP3s
7. blog
8. listen to episodes of House

7 Movies I Could Watch Endlessly:

1. Sabrina
2. Legally Blond
3. Now That I Have You
4. Little Giants
5. Cutting Edge
6. Bituing Walang Ningning [hahahaha...]
7. My Best Friend's Wedding

6 TV Shows I Could Make A Marathon Out of:

1. House
2. Scrubs
3. Fear Factor
4. Monk
5. Celebrity Poker Tournament [Local and Foreign]
6. Grey's Anatomy

5 Food Items I Can Live on Until The End of Eternity:

1. dried mangoes
2. chocolate
3. mango crepe
4. sinigang
5. fried chicken

4 of the People I Can Tell Everything to:

1. Ophalle
2. Franssen
3. Chris
4. David

3 Things I Can't Live Without:

1. cellphone
2. the computer/internet
3. water

2 People I Can't Live Without:

1. family
2. friends

1 Person I'll Give Up My Life for:

1. loved ones

XOXOXOXOXOXO
this is to fill the void until i finally get the inspiration to write again

The Missing Piece

2006-05-12T23:27:00.001+08:00

This is a fairy tale for adults. It tells the story of a circle that was missing a piece. A large triangular wedge had been cut out of it.

The circle wanted to be whole with nothing missing, so it went around looking for it's missing piece. But because it was incomplete and therefore could only roll very slowly, it admired the flowers along the way. It chatted with worms. It enjoyed the sunshine. It found lots of different pieces, but none of them fit. So it left them all by the side of the road and continued searching.

Then one day the circle found a piece that fit perfectly. It was so happy. Now it could be whole, with nothing missing. It was incorporated the missing piece into itself and began to roll. Now that it was a perfect circle, it could roll very fast, too fast to notice the flowers or talk to the worms.

When it realized how different the world seemed when it rolled so quickly by, it stopped, left its found piece by the side of the road and rolled slowly away.

Moral of the story

In some strange sense we are more whole when we are missing something. The man who has everything is in some ways a poor man. He will never know what it feels like to yearn, to hope, to nourish his soul with the dream of something better. He will never know the experience of having someone who loves him give him something he has always wanted and never had.

There is a wholeness about the person who has to come to terms with his own limitations, who has been brave enough to let go of his unrealistic dreams and not feel like a failure for doing so. There is a wholeness about the man or woman who has learned that he or she is strong enough to go through a tragedy and survive, who can lose someone and still feel like a complete person. You have been through the worst and come through intact.

Life like a baseball season, where even the best team loses one-third of the games and even the worst has its days of brilliance. Our goal is to win more games than we lose.

When we accept that imperfection is part of human being, and that we can continue rolling through life and appreciating it, we will achieved a wholeness that others can only aspire to.

And at the end, if we are brave enough to love, strong enough to forgive, generous enough to rejoice in another's happiness, and wise enough to know there is enough love to go around for us all, then we can achieve a fulfillment that no other living creature will ever know.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by anonymous
are you my missing piece? am i better off without you? *sigh* i just wish i knew the answers...anyway, thanks for keeping me sane...

Message in a Bottle

2006-05-02T18:40:00.000+08:00

[the reply]

My Darling,

One year has passed since I sat with your father in the kitchen. It is late at night and though the words are coming hard to me, I can't escape the feeling that it's time that I finally answer your question.

Of course I forgive you. I forgive you now, and I forgave you the moment I read your letter. In my heart, I had no other choice. Leaving you once was hard enough; to have done it a second time would have been impossible. I loved you too much to have let you go again. Though I'm still grieving over what might have been, I find myself thankful that you came into my life for even a short period of time. In the beginning, I'd assumed that we were somehow brought together to help you through your time of grief. Yet now, one year later, I've come to believe that it was the other way around. Ironically, I am in the same position you were, the first time we met.

As I write, I am struggling with the ghost of someone I loved and lost. I now understand more fully the difficulties you were going through, and I realize how painful it must have been for you to move on. Sometimes my grief is overwhelming, and even though I understand that we will never see each other again, there is a part of me that wants to hold on to you forever. It would be easy for me to do that because loving someone else might diminish my memories of you. Yet, this is the paradox: Even though I miss you greatly, it's because of you that I don't dread the future.

Because you were able to fall in love with me, you have given me hope, my darling. You taught me that it's possible to move forward in life, no matter how terrible your grief. And in your own way, you've made me believe that true love cannot be denied. Right now, I don't think I'm ready, but this is my choice. Do not blame yourself. Because of you, I am hopeful that there will come a day when my sadness is replaced by something beautiful. Because of you, I have the strength to go on.

I don't know if spirits do indeed roam the world, but even if they do, I will sense your presence everywhere. When I listen to the ocean, it will be your whispers; when I see a dazzling sunset, it will be your image in the sky. You are not gone forever, no matter who comes into my life. You are standing with God, alongside my soul, helping to guide me toward a future that I cannot predict.

This is not a good-bye, my darling, this is a thank-you. Thank you for coming into my life and giving me joy, thank you for loving me and receiving my love in return. Thank you for the memories I will cherish forever. But most of all, thank you for showing me that there will come a time when I can eventually let you go.

I love you, T

XOXOXOXOXOXO
from the movie, Message in a Bottle

Message in a Bottle

2006-05-02T16:40:00.000+08:00

Dear Theresa,

Can you forgive me?

In a world that I seldom understand, there are winds of destiny that blow when we least expect them. Sometimes they gust with the fury of a hurricane, sometimes they barely fan one's cheek. But the winds cannot be denied, bringing as they often do a future that is impossible to ignore. You, my darling, are the wind that I did not anticipate, the wind that has gusted more strongly than I ever imagined possible. You are my destiny.

I was wrong, so wrong, to ignore what was obvious, and I beg your forgiveness. Like a cautious traveler, I tried to protect myself from the wind and lost my soul instead. I was a fool to ignore my destiny, but even fools have feelings, and I've come to realize that you are the most important thing that I have in this world. I know I am not perfect. I've made more mistakes in the past few months than some make in a lifetime.

I was wrong to have acted as I did when I found the letters, just as I was wrong to hide the truth about what I was going through with respect to my past. When I chased you as you drove down the street and again as I watched you leave from the airport, I knew I should have tried harder to stop you. But most of all, I was wrong to deny what was obvious in my heart: that I can't go on without you.

You were right about everything.

When we sat in my kitchen, I tried to deny the things you were saying, even though I knew they were true. Like a man who gazes only backward on a trip across the country, I ignored what lay ahead. I missed the beauty of a coming sunrise, the wonder of anticipation that makes life worthwhile. It was wrong of me to do that, a product of my confusion, and I wish I had come to understand that sooner. Now, though, with my gaze fixed toward the future, I see your face and hear your voice, certain that this is the path I must follow.

It is my deepest wish that you give me one more chance. As you might have guessed, I'm hoping that this bottle will work its magic, as it did once before, and somehow bring us back together. For the first few days after you left, I wanted to believe that I could go on as I always had. But I couldn't. Every time I watched the sun go down, I thought of you. Every time I walked by the phone, I yearned to call. Even when I went sailing, I could only think of you and the wonderful times we had. I knew in my heart that my life would never be the same again. I wanted you back, more than I imagined possible, yet whenever I conjured you up, I kept hearing your words in our last conversation. No matter how much I loved you, I knew it wasn't going to be possible unless we - both of us - were sure I would devote myself fully to the path that lay ahead. I continued to be troubled by these thoughts until late last night when the answer finally came to me. Hopefully, after I tell you about it, it will mean as much to you as it did to me:

In my dream, I saw myself on the beach with Catherine, in the same spot I took you after our lunch at Hank's. It was bright in the sun, the rays reflecting brilliantly off the sand. As we walked alongside each other, she listened intently as I told her about you, about us, about the wonderful times we shared. Finally, after some hesitation, I admitted that I loved you, but that I felt guilty about it. She said nothing right away but simply kept walking until she finally turned to me and asked, "Why?" "Because of you." Upon hearing my answer, she smiled at me with patient amusement, the way she used to before she died. "Oh, Garrett," she finally said as she gently touched my face, "who do you think it was that brought the bottle to her?"

When I woke, I felt empty and alone. The dream did not comfort me. Rather, it made me ache inside because of what I had done to us, and I began to cry. When I finally pulled myself together, I knew what I had to do. With shaking hand, I wrote two letters: the one you're holding in your hand right now, and one to Catherine, in which I finally said my good-bye. Today, I'm taking Happenstance out to send it to her, as I have with all the others. It will be my last letter - Catherine, in her own way, has told me to go on, and I have chosen to listen. Not only to her words, but also to the leanings of my heart that led me back to you.

Oh, Theresa, I am sorry, so very sorry, that I ever hurt you. I am coming to Boston next week with the hope that you find a way to forgive me. Maybe I'm too late now. I don't know. Theresa, I love you and always will. I am tired of being alone. I see children crying and laughing as they play in the sand, and I realize I want to have children with you. I want to watch Kevin as he grows into a man. I want to hold your hand and see you cry when he finally takes a bride, I want to kiss you when his dreams come true. I will move to Boston if you ask because I cannot go on this way. I am sick and sad without you.

As I sit here in the kitchen, I am praying that you will let me come back to you, this time forever.

Garrett

XOXOXOXOXOXO
from the movie, Message in a Bottle

My Johari Window

2006-04-02T18:44:00.000+08:00

i finally gave in and created my own johari window.

for those who know me and those who've been following my [lack of a] love life, you may want to answer my window.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Chasing Dreams

2006-03-30T03:06:00.000+08:00

On a regular basis I hear people talking about their dreams - plans for the future they want to work on, jobs they want to apply for, careers they want to shift to. And I feel bad not being able to take part in the conversation. It's not that I'm not working on something for my future, because I am, but it's not something I can honestly say I always wanted. In fact, I can't even count how many times I said that I made my decision through a process of elimination, kind of like choosing the least evil of all my available options.

I've always envied people who can want something bad enough that they'd be willing to risk everything just for a chance to realize a dream. I'd sit in my seminars and review classes and everytime I'd look around the room, I'd feel this surge of guilt. I have the resources, the means, and the support to go through with everything but I can't even confidently answer my dad when he asked me if I'm dead set on it. Honestly, I'm not.

When I decided on this way back November, I told myself it's a step towards letting you go. I even swallowed my pride enough so I can ask you once and for all if there's still a chance for us. And when you said there's someone else you like, I took that as a sign that I made the right decision, that it is time to finally close that part of my life. I may have still been half-hearted with my decision but at least my mind was made up, at least from a completely intellectual point of view, you have just become a dream I am no longer chasing. I wasn't happy with how things were going but I had a peace of mind that came from knowing for sure where I stand in your life. I can now have my life back and I can now work on my future with a clear conscience because the biggest issue keeping me bound here has been settled.

Then you had to come and destroy everything. I don't know if it's just a sick joke that you, life, or fate is playing on me, but I am not finding it the least bit funny. I mean, if it's a no, let's keep it there and not do anything that tilts the scale towards maybe. I am confused and tentative. Again. I have not stopped working towards my goal but I am delaying things, and that's just as bad. I want to clear things up with you but I don't know if I'll be given another alone time with you. I hope I get to talk it over with you though, before it either gets too late to actually do anything or before I drive myself nuts trying to make heads and tails of it.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
i wish i could stop holding on to the smallest and most insignificant things...i wish i could stop chasing dreams of a future i am not meant to have...i wish i could stop dreaming of you...

Stumble

2006-03-29T23:04:00.000+08:00

I'd rather
heave half a brick than say
I love you, though I do
I'd rather
crawl in a hole than call you
darling, though you are
I'd rather
wrench off an arm than hug you though
it's what I long to do
I'd rather
gather a posy of poison ivy than
ask if you love me
so if my
hair doesn't stand on end it's because
I never tease it
and if my
heart isn't in my mouth it's because
it knows its place
and if I
don't take a bite of your ear it's because
gristle gripes my guts
and if you
miss the message better get new
glasses and read it twice

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by Phyllis Gotlieb

Even If

2006-03-26T07:39:00.000+08:00

All those sleepless nights
All the tears I cried
All the pain I kept inside
I kept asking myself why
You had to say goodbye

Was it just a dream
When you said to me
That there is someone new in your life
You could have at least lied
The truth just scared me

Chorus:
Even if...
You mean the whole damn world to me
I can forget you
Wait and see
I can be strong even without you
I can't waste my life forever
Hoping you'd come back to me
But deep inside
I know I'll be waiting here for you

Repeat Chorus

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by Lea Salonga

Between You and Me...

2006-03-18T06:14:00.001+08:00

i bought these for you - but i don't know if i'll ever have the courage to give them to you...

XOXOXOXOXOXO
good luck in your final week of school. i hope i get to see you some time during your break...

Closing Cycles

2006-03-17T18:30:00.000+08:00

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.

But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot forever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it maybe!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return; do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the ideal moment. Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person. Nothing is irreplaceable. A habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by Paolo Coelho
the other day, while i was listening to some officemates discuss about guilt feelings regarding ex-boyfriends, i remember telling them that it's not their fault if those ex-boyfriends continued pining away for them even years after their respective relationships have ended. it's an individual's choice how far and how deep to allow a heartbreak to run, right?

i know this because i have made my choice to keep loving someone who will never quite love me in the same way i love him. it's not his fault that i'm still here waiting - i never held those three and a half years against him nor did i ever throw it in his face. i can't say i'm really happy with where i am in my life right now, but staying here is my choice...

A Lesson in Goodbye

2006-03-14T06:44:00.000+08:00

It was such a beautiful beginning for a love that would never be fulfilled.

We started innocently enough - as friends. We talked day and night, exchanging witticisms and amusing comments on the ironies of life. You stimulated my interest, and pretty soon, you captured my heart. I used to laugh at couples who couldn't get enough of each other, when I suddenly found myself reluctant to say good night after spending the whole day with you. I couldn't sleep, wondering why tomorrow was taking so long. It was never like that for me before...

I had to laugh at the irony of it all. I used to dream of a Prince Charming who would sweep me off my feet in a dazzling romance, but there I was - in love with a guy who, for all his eloquence, barely knew how to tell me he loved me. Didn't you know? Each time you smiled, you were winning my trust. And every time you held my hand, you were touching my heart. In your arms, I was in danger of falling deeper, yet I knew I couldn't be more secure. You reached me in a way nobody else has before, and you gave me faith in things I've never had the courage to believe.

Still, I held back. What we had was wonderful, and it was so perfect, so absolutely perfect, that I was afraid to believe it could last forever. You asked me to stay, and I longed to say yes, but something was calling me to find another path, to discover what my dreams could become, to explore everything that I could be. I longed for adventure, for experience, for knowledge. Please understand that I loved you, but I couldn't give you my self without fully knowing who I was. I had to be certain I was the person you believed me to be.

And so I left to study in a world entirely different from ours. You came to say goodbye, and I couldn't bring myself to ask you to wait. How could I possibly tie you down after you had set me free?

And now, I return. I've learned enough to realize that what I had with you was love. And every time I look into your eyes, I know that I have lost it. What I haven't learned is how to stop loving you, and how to stop hurting because somebody else is spending forever in your embrace. You were the first to touch my heart, the first to win my trust, and the only one who could make eternity come true for me. You were also the first to show me how painful love can be, how it hurts, and how the wounds it caused will never truly heal.

I'm sorry. I do not regret that I left; only that I hurt you, and that I couldn't make you wait. Try to forgive me, and try to forget. Let me be the one who remembers, the one who keeps the memories alive. They are more than memories to me now, they are souvenirs of a love I know I will never again experience.

I am leaving again soon. Perhaps in my search of where I belong I will discover happiness. And perhaps this time, I will find the reason and the courage to stay.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by garnet_fire [from peyups]

Why Should I Dream?

2006-03-07T22:18:00.000+08:00

What's the use of dreaming
when my dreams rarely come true?
Why do I keep believing
that someday I'll be with you?

What's the use of wishing
when my wishes never reach you?
I always keep on thinking
why do I love you?

What's the use of waiting
for you a year or two -
without ever knowing
if you feel the way I do.

What's the use of dreaming?
One thing I'm sure is true -
at least in my dreams, I'm feeling
that somehow, you love me too.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by anonymous

Ateneo Checklist

2006-03-06T03:51:00.000+08:00

got this from trisha's blog:

(X) eaten at Manang's
( ) learned the alma mater song [well...i can sing it together with other people but i can't sing it alone or write down the lyrics like i could do with my HS alma mater song]
( ) lay down and slept on a bench along EDSA walk [but i could sleep inside the DSWS room in spite the heat, humidity, and the noise]
( ) been a TNT!
( ) jogged around the campus in the evening [does 'walked around campus' count?]
(X) visited the art gallery
(X) knew at least one Xerox lady, manong, or technician by name
(X) got a Jesuit for a teacher
( ) itched from higad bites
(X) have gotten an F in something [failed accounting and my parents are both accountants!]
(X) have taken a crap in school [at least once in every building in the college campus]
(X) watched a La Salle vs. Ateneo UAAP game [i've only missed two games my entire college]
(X) given a Powerpoint presentation
(X) studied in the caf upstairs
(X) watched a T.A. play [and not just because it was required for class - attended poetry readings as well...]
(X) sat on the SEC ledge and watched the stars [and my blockmates were screaming at me from below, pretending they thought i was about to commit suicide...as if a jump from the SEC ledge will kill me!]
(X) ate in Full House, Martha's Kitchen, and Ken Afford
(X) slept in the lib
(X) visited Mr. San Andres [mostly for meetings when i was doing the lay-out of MAPS and the student handbook]
(X) went to the chapel [and the Gesu]
( ) have gotten a pebble stuck in your shoe/slippers in the middle of the quad
(X) cut class with your block to watch a movie
(X) signed up for those institutional (i.e. difficult but brilliant) teachers: Ferriols, Dacanay, David, Manacsa, Ang, Escaler, Arcilla, Totanes, and many others
( ) gone to CERSA night
(X) have tried siomai rice [my standard lunch from the caf]
( ) learned how to smoke
(X) actually read the book you keep borrowing from the lib
(X) played cards during your free time [and often stayed in school until 10 or 11 in the evening to play bridge!]
(X) dressed in business attire [usually for orals and for my thesis defense]
(X) learned to stay awake for more than 24 hours straight
( ) have gotten side comments from ASSOC
(X) taken Saturday classes [accounting - *sigh*]
(X) gone to your immersion
( ) eaten Food for Thought sandwiches [don't eat sandwiches, loved their pasta though]
( ) had a boyfriend [do pseudo-boyfriends/relationships count?]
(X) taken time to read the vandalism in the CR doors
( ) watched "Minsan Lang Sila Bata" and "Macho Dancer" for class
(X) done a last minute paper [actually, 'finished a last minute paper' is the better phrase. and i did it just once in four years and i usually have paper-heavy subjects]
(X) have spent a lot for 1x1 ID pictures [and i still have about a million pieces in my drawer that i don't know what to do with]
(X) gotten exempted from final exams
(X) attended a college mass
( ) promised to quit smoking
( ) played hide-and-seek in the mini-forest [only been there once in my four years in ateneo]
(X) know where the best restrooms are on campus [SEC C - hahaha...]
(X) joined an org [DSWS, Heights, Tugon, ASEC]
(X) allowed yourself to make mistakes [yup. committed a lot in four years. who doesn't?]
(X) taken summer classes
( ) admired the sacred heart statue in the evening
(X) made a video for a project
( ) had a crush on a teacher
( ) attend a Jesuit retreat [does 'Jesuit Retreat' include DAYS with the Lord?]
( ) have gotten a parking ticket
(X) come to school in your crappiest yet most comfy clothes
( ) learned how to use the Bayantel pay phones [i tried them once or twice...gave up after awhile]
(X) participated in school activities
( ) watched the Blue Babble Battalion tryouts
(X) dated an Atenean
(X) rode a tricycle on campus
(X) found a tambayan [DSWS]
(X) admire the marikina valley at night [in between studying for Math departmentals during freshman year]
(X) gone drinking along Katipunan [gone drinking with my blockmates once at lunch time]
( ) learned how to beg for a higher grade [i never really had the heart/guts/face to do this]
(X) used your cuts wisely
( ) volunteered to be class beadle
(X) had the worst lottery schedule for reg
( ) admired the trees on campus
(X) have forgotten about your freecut and gone to that class
(X) eaten in the ISO canteen
(X) been active in your org
( ) have signed up on an ACP class just because the girl or guy u like signed up for it
(X) gotten as many application forms as you can during the job fair
(X) learned how to cram [i never learned how to cram for papers though. i always had to have my papers done before going to school]
( ) sold tickets (or watched) an org-sponsored movie premiere
( ) saved money to Xerox all of your seatmate's notes
( ) have accidentally seen a make-out session
(X) checked out the Meron Lagoon and Lambingan Bridge
( ) have dozed off in class in Bel right after a class in CTC/SOM/Comm.
(X) learned how to work with groupmates from hell
( ) perfected the art of parking on campus
( ) had a bad encounter with one of the guards on campus
(X) developed a love for sisig
(X) learned how to pronounce "AEGIS" properly
(X) have used typing rooms at the library [used it to study with a friend once during my sophomore year]
(X) have reserved a classroom, AVR, etc. for a class or org function
( ) have asked the library for an endorsement to research in other libraries [we actually need an endorsement to research in other libraries???]
( ) have lost a perfectly functioning umbrella
(X) have used consultation hours properly [the only consultation sched i used and kept was the one pertaining to my thesis]
(X) looked forward to lab breakage refund, in case you didn't break any equipment [who doesn't look forward to this?]
(X) visit the Guidance Office
(X) and Infirmary [usually to keep my best friend company]

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Two Years...

2006-02-26T06:52:00.001+08:00

two years of this - of spam, of VRs, and of outbreaks...

wasn't as smooth sailing as i'd like to claim, but at the end of the day - i have no regrets about coming and staying...

by the way, i made it two years without a single late...hahaha...it's such a dorky accomplishment to be proud of!!!

XOXOXOXOXOXO
February 26, 2004 - February 26, 2006

Why Do I Love Him?

2006-02-24T01:40:00.000+08:00

Why do I love him?

Tough question. I don't even know how or where to begin. I'm not sure if I could possibly find the right words to express what or how much I feel for him, let alone explain why I love him. I don't believe the English language has all the words I would need.

Why do I love him?

I guess I just do. I love him just because. I love him just because that's the most natural and possible thing to do.

I love him.

I love him because he's the most incredible, wonderful, amazing and fantastic guy I have ever known in my entire life. I love him because he's sweet, charming, smart, witty, and has a great sense of humor. I love him because he's so cool he's hot.

I love him because he makes me smile. I love him because he makes me laugh. I love him because he makes me happy. I love him because he's the one and only guy who has ever made it through my wall and seen right through my mask. I love him because he accepts the real me, imperfections and all, and still appreciates me for who I am.

I love him for being my friend. I love him because I could be whatever I want to be in front of him. I love him because we could talk about anything and everything under the sun.

I love him because I feel safe when I am with him. I love him because we are comfortable with each other. I love him for giving me a helping hand when I had to pick myself up, but couldn't. I love him for offering his shoulder for me to lean on to when I had to be strong, but wasn't.

I love him for telling me not to drink too much alcohol, then pretending to be mad at me when I did drink too much. I love him for telling me not to stay up too late at night because it wasn't good for my health. I love him for texting and sending me sweet and mushy messages. I love him for those times when he would call or text me just when I was thinking of calling or texting him, when I was feeling down, or when I was missing him, like he has gone psychic all of a sudden.

I love him for the kilig moments we had. I love him for always making me feel better, about myself and life in general. I love him for making me feel special. I love him for making me feel loved. But most of all, I love him for making me feel. I love him for making me realize that I am capable of feeling this way and this much for someone. I love him for making me feel alive.

So, why do I love him?

I love him because he's all of these and more. So much more. I love him because he's everything. He's everything...but mine.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by babyanne [from peyups]
for him whom i love with all my heart - i love you without knowing exactly why i do or until when i'd keep doing so...it hasn't been an easy journey and even though i know you don't love me in the same way that i love you, i'm still thankful we crossed paths when we did...

Of Valentine's Day and Dinner Invitations

2006-02-16T03:11:00.000+08:00

I was pleasantly surprised when you texted asking me if I was doing anything that night. Honestly, I had second thoughts about accepting your dinner invitation - not because I didn't want to see you, but because seeing you on that particular day might not be in my best interest. At first I thought your text was a missent message but after awhile, I realized the initial text message was really for me. Then I thought that for some weird reason, you're probably not aware that it was Valentine's day, but as we walked to where we finally decided to have dinner, apparently you knew what that day was.

Dinner was very light and a lot of fun. We didn't talk about anything remotely serious. The conversation was mostly about other people and that TV series you got me hooked on. And it is kind of funny because the last time we were together, I was telling you about the three years of pathetic waiting I did and you were apologizing for having to tell me that there's no chance for us anymore.

I was happy to see you and to spend more time with you, but the night left me kind of confused.

You said there's someone else you like, but you asked me to dinner on Valentine's day. I doubt you're not aware that Valentine's day is usually spent either with a group of friends in a singles' night out gimmick, or in a date with somebody you like in a romantic way. And to think that the entire night even required a whole lot of extra effort from you. I mean, it was a Tuesday, which is a school night and you mentioned having an exam the next day. Then you suggested meeting in Mega Mall when you know you'd be commuting from UST. After you paid for our dinner, which you've never done before, you offered to ride home with me because you knew I was a bit apprehensive to take a cab alone at night.

I don't know what to make of everything. Were we just two friends who both happened to be free that night and then decided to have dinner together? Or were we actually out on a romantic date? I mean, did you ask me out as a good friend or as a girl you like? I don't want to give a deeper meaning to everything you did because I don't want to find myself waiting for you again. Try as I might, I can't reconcile the thought that you'd ask me out as a good friend when you very well know how I feel. You must have at least had some idea that asking me out that night might reopen a supposedly closed book. I must admit that I still love you more than anyone else in the world, and I know I have yet to completely move on, but I've already mapped out a future that doesn't include you. I don't want to change my plans just to later realize that yet again, it was all for nothing.

After we talked late last year, I conditioned myself to think that, that night would be the last time we'd see each other in at least a year. I honestly thought that night was already goodbye. I also believed, for the longest time, that you would do anything for us not to be left alone. Several times in the past, you even cancelled gimmicks at the eleventh hour just because it was down to the two of us. Then suddenly here you were asking me if I wanted to have dinner with you on Valentine's day, and this is despite knowing it will only be the two of us.

The night felt like a date, and it scares the hell out of me to think that your dinner invitation may have been spurred by guilty feelings - that you asked me out only because you felt you owed it to me. I want you to know I never blamed you for anything that happened. I know that loving you and waiting for you is my choice. What we had may have just been a pseudo-relationship, but I'll always treasure the memories because I felt the sincerity, if not the rationality, behind everything - behind every hug, every smile, and every text message we exchanged. It's enough for me to know that what we had was not my imagination, that the reason it didn't turn into something is because the timing just wasn't right. I don't think I deserve a night that felt like a date but wasn't really one. I don't want empty consolations and I don't want you to feel you owe me anything other than what is real.

I don't know what your intentions and your motivations were and I don't know if I have enough courage left in me to ask. More to the point, I'm not even sure if I am actually ready to hear the answer, whatever the answer might turn out to be.

But just the same, thank you for asking me to dinner - for sharing your Valentine's day with me. I had a lovely time. And thanks for seeing me home, even if it meant taking a cab from Mega Mall to my place and then riding the same cab back to your condo near UST. I know it took you twice the time to get back to your place than it would have had you gone straight back after we had dinner. You don't know how much I appreciate the gesture given the fact that you've always hated going out without a car. Most of all, thank you for making me believe in what you've always told me, that regardless of how things turned out between us, you still care for me.

I've always loved seeing you and spending time with you, and I don't think I'll ever get tired of doing the same things with you. But if spending time with you now means going on guilt-motivated dates, I think I'd rather not see you for awhile. I'd rather not taint the memories I have of you and of the past we shared. I would just rather that you take time out to think about the implications of your actions before doing anything else, especially since there are real feelings and emotions involved.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
my memories of you and of our past are more than memories to me now...they are souvenirs of a love i know i will never again experience...

Of Missent Messages and Transcription Boxes

2006-02-15T09:52:00.000+08:00

What is it with you?

You're not that exceptional, not that special, not that good looking. You don't stand out, and you don't have a particularly endearing trait. Why is it though that waving your hand is enough to make me all Jell-o like inside?

Darn it.

Yeah, yeah, it feels great in a sappy, romantic kind of way, but hey, isn't it crappy that I've been holding this torch for an extremely long time and still, nothing seems to be happening between the two of us?

You do something really nice, and I say to myself, 'Yep, he likes you back.' Here it is. The universe is saying he likes you back!? My uniform seems so much whiter, my classmates seem so much nicer, the lectures a bit livelier, and Anatomy dissection a bit more bearable. I think rosier thoughts, act all giggly and goofy, and I start doing those weird things peculiar to people who are in love and who think their objects of affection loves them back.

And then weeks follow of not even hearing the tiniest peep out of you. What am I supposed to think?

I then start convincing myself that it's fruitless, stop doing those silly things, settle with someone else who likes you back, and don't even think about having a future relationship with this schmuck of a guy.

But then you call and say something really cute again, you see me and do something really sweet again and wham! The old feeling is back again like an unwanted houseguest.

And then I start acting silly and doing those weird things all over again.

Please be honest with me. I would really like to know if you do like me back. I am really getting sick of this feeling whenever you so deign to notice me when in fact, I'm just wasting my time. I do not want to feel, act, and think this way anymore when there is actually no future to be thought of between the two of us.

I've had it with pretending that each text I send you is 'missent', and that every senseless forwarded message I send you I also send to everybody else in my phonebook. I don't want to feel uncomfortable when I'm around you, all giggly when you so much as say one word to me, and feel so happy when you call out of the blue or reply to one of my senseless forwards and so-called missent messages.

I'm done with not knowing what exactly to say when you talk to me and feeling embarrassed when I make a fool of myself in front of you. I'm tired of blushing every time you catch me staring at you, and making up excuses when I bump into you.

I'm tired of doodling your name in my notebook, wondering whether we'll have 2, 4, or 10 kids, whether you'd agree to get married on the beach, and whether we'll live here in Manila or in some far off province. I'm tired of going to canned romantic movies and wishing that I was as busy as that couple in the back row, tired of trying not to look at couples publicly displaying their affection in jeepneys, buses, at the MRT, and at the back row of BSLR East, tired of always going home alone with no one to accompany me.

I don't want to watch the sunset at Manila Bay alone anymore, wishing it was you sitting next to me. I'm tired of pretending you mean nothing to me, that losing you to someone else would be inconsequential, that I couldn't care less if that girl beside you was your girlfriend.

I don't want to wake up in the morning with you on mind, looking for messages in my phone, wishing that you have somehow texted me during the night. I've had it with looking inside your classroom, wanting to catch at least a glimpse of you. I'm done with reading Pablo Neruda wishing those lines were being said to me by you.

I'm done with dreaming that you held my hand and said you liked me too, or that you held me in your arms and kissed me, or that you comforted me when I felt the world crumbling around me, or that you celebrated with me when I finally graduated from college. I don't want to hope anymore that you left a love letter in my transcription box, a bunch of flowers outside my door, or that you e-mailed me saying what I've wanted to hear from you for years.

I want to ask how you are without the words getting stuck in my throat.

I want to have an intelligent conversation with you without me saying something stupid.

I want to hold your hand and finally know what we really are to each other.

I want to take care of you, and share your troubles with you, when the world seems to be pulling you down.

I want to be with you and not wonder whether I'll see or hear from you again tomorrow, the day after that, a week after, a month from now, or years from now.

Don't leave me hoping when there is nothing to hope for.

Don't leave me wanting something that I can't really have.

Don't leave me dreaming of us when in reality there is only me, and only you.

Please. Be kind.

Tell me.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by erendis [from peyups]

Too Much

2006-02-12T01:39:00.000+08:00

Too many promises broken
Too many tears were shed
Too many words unspoken
Too many hearts mend.

Too many prayers unanswered
Too many calls to heed
Too many dreams were shattered
Too many words that bleed.

Too many times I fell
Too many risks to take
Too many lies to tell
Too much for love's sake.

Too much pain I feel
Too many secrets I keep
Too many feelings unreal
Too many thoughts so deep.

Too many chances wasted
Too many times I tried
Too many failures tasted
Too many questions, why?

Too many dates to set
Too many things to do
Much of too many I get
But never enough of you.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by anonymous
for him whom i never get enough of...

Hindi na ko Iiyak

2006-02-11T23:28:00.000+08:00

Ibinaba ko ang telepono at napaupo ako sa sahig. Pumikit ako. Parang biglang tumigil ang pag-ikot ng mundo ko. Hindi ko na namalayan nang tumulo ang mga luha mula sa aking mga mata.

Malinaw pa sa aking alaala noong unang beses akong umiyak dahil sa iyo. Pareho tayong pitong taong gulang. Sinabihan mo ako ng lampa at hindi na isinali sa ating magkakalaro. Sabi mo paano ako sasama sa mga laro eh hindi ako marunong mag-bike, mag-jumping rope, mag-jackstone. Hanggang grade 3 lang ako sa chinese garter, hindi ko rin magawa-gawa ang teddy bear at tsumatsamba lang ako sa 10-20. Hindi ko naman kasalanan na hindi talaga ako pisikal na tao. May asthma na ako mula nang ipinanganak ako kaya hindi ako masyadong pinapalabas ng mga magulang ko para maglaro.

Pangalawang beses ay nang malapit na tayong magtapos sa elementarya. Kinausap mo ako isang araw at sinabing hindi ako magiging valedictorian ayon sa ating adviser. Alam mo kung gaano kahalaga sa akin ang bagay na iyon. Limang taong sunud-sunod akong first honor, hindi pwedeng hindi ako ang maging valedictorian. Iniwan kita at umiyak ako sa banyo ng mga babae. Seryosong-seryoso ka kasi nung sinasabi mo yun kaya akala ko totoo. Niloloko mo lang pala ako, dahil nalaman mong ako na nga ang valedictorian.

Umiyak din ako nung JS Prom natin nung high school nang sinabi mo sa akin ang totoo na may ibang girlfriend ang ultimate crush ko. Sabi mo ayaw mo akong saktan pero kailangang sabihin mo ang totoo para mamulat ako sa katotohanan. Sabi mo pa, itigil ko na ang pag-iyak kasi nasisira ang make-up ko, sayang naman.

Nang sumunod, naiyak ako nang makita kitang umiiyak. Sabay tayong nagluksa sa pagkawala ng lolo mo. Sabay tayong hindi natulog nang kung ilang gabi para maglamay. Maghapon at magdamag ako sa burol, daig ko pa ang kamag-anak.

Matagal ding hindi mo ako pinaiyak. Hanggang ipinasya ng mga magulang mo na sa Amerika na kayo manirahan. Naaalala ko pa ang eksena sa airport. Kumawala ka mula sa pagkakayakap ko, hinawakan mo ang mukha ko, pinahid ng panyo ang mga luha at tumingin ka sa aking mga mata.

"Ipangako mo sa akin na ito na ang huling beses na iiyak ka dahil sa akin, ha?"

Umiling ako habang patuloy ang pagdaloy ng mga luha.

"Please, promise me," ang sabi mo habang pinipigilan ang mga luha mo.

"Okay, okay, I promise."

Nag-crash ang eroplanong sinasakyan nila. Kanina lang na-identify ang mga bangkay. Wala na siya.

Umiiyak na naman ako, hindi ako tumupad sa pangako.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by jpaul [from peyups]

Almost but not Quite...

2006-01-30T20:50:00.002+08:00

I know it's not right to say you were mine, even if we did have our time. And no matter how painful it is for me to see how it meant nothing to you, I just have to deal with it and accept the fact that all I can hold on to is the thought that you were almost mine...

i found this quote in my two-year old files.

the realization that it's still something i could have written or said would have made me laugh with bitter irony if it weren't so painful. the situation is still practically the same, the only difference is that the thing i always believed to be true two years ago is now something i actually know for sure is the truth.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
image from Post Secret

All 3s...except for one

2006-01-16T16:42:00.000+08:00

was surfing the Internet and i got this from Jillah's blog.

Three names you go by:
1. aouie
2. -
3. -

Three screen names you have had:
1. aouie
2. kisses
3. -

Three physical things you like about yourself:
1. hair
2. legs
3. -

Three physical things you don't like about yourself:
1. too much extra pounds
2. pimple scars i can't get rid of
3. dark lips

Three parts of your heritage:
1. i'm filipino
2. despite my surname, i'm not related to this particular singer
3. -

Three things that scare you:
1. growing old alone
2. ending up with someone i don't really love
3. -

Three of your everyday essentials:
1. cellphone
2. wallet/money
3. a whispered prayer for something i'm so stupid to keep wanting

Three of your favorite musical artists:
1. Side A
2. Erik Santos
3. Martin Nievera

Three of your favorite songs:
1. Nothing's Gonna Change My Love for You [all-time favorite]
2. So Much In Love [semi all-time favorite]
3. Anything for You [as of the moment]

Three things you want in a relationship:
1. friendship and acceptance
2. healthy balance between serious moments and goofy times
3. trust and respect

Three lies and truths in no particular order:
1. i still love him
2. i'm 20 years old
3. my name is aouie
4. i'm happy
5. i'm a sentimental hopeless romantic
6. he knows i love him

Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to you:
1. eyes
2. lips/smile
3. hair

Three of your favorite hobbies:
1. reading and writing
2. conversing with friends about anything and everything
3. playing neopets

Three things you want to do really badly now:
1. travel
2. be with him
3. stop hurting so badly

Three places you want to go on vacation:
1. philippine tourist destinations
2. asia via an asian-pacific cruise
3. either italy, france, or greece

Three kid's names you like:
1. joseph christopher [joey]
2. justine sophia [aouie]
3. franco miguel [mico]
4. krystin ophalle [karylle]

Three things you want to do before you die:
1. have my own family
2. see my loved ones happy
3. be happy in a way i wouldn't want to aspire for more

Three ways that you are stereotypically a girl:
1. i love having conversations, serious or otherwise, with people [love to talk, used to spend an average of 4 hours a night, every night, on the phone]
2. i don't understand what's so fascinating about cars [unless we're talking about a cute guy driving the car...]
3. i'm very sentimental and emotional

Three ways that you are stereotypically a boy:
1. i love watching basketball [UAAP, PBA, PBL, but weirdly not NBA]
2. i don't have much endurance for shopping [i'm already grouchy and complaining after 2 hours]
3. i love gadgets [ipod, phone, laptop, camera, external hard drives, etc] - talking and reading about them's okay but buying and using is better, hahahaha...

Three celeb crushes:
1. Erik Santos
2. Richie Ticzon
3. Patrick Garcia

Three mutant powers:
1. read minds
2. go invisible
3. hypnotize via staring

Three types of food you often crave for:
1. dried mangoes
2. chocolates
3. ice monster

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Aftermaths

2006-01-12T12:43:00.000+08:00

I spent the last day of my 2005 crying in front of the pc here in the office and though not even once have I cried since then, the pain hasn't really gone away. There's still a dull ache within me, a heavy feeling that isn't enough to make me cry again yet a heaviness that wouldn't go away.

I've lost count of how many times in the past three years I've prayed for us to get together - minus the ambiguity...minus the complexities. I thought that after we talked last December 29 and after hearing you practically say that what we had was just a moment in our past, I'd finally stop asking for a miracle. But here I am, roughly 13 days and 11 hours after you brought me home, still asking for the same thing, and not even knowing that there is someone else has deterred my faith one bit. It may be pigheaded of me to keep doing so, but I'd still close my eyes and whisper a short prayer for that future with you that I want.

I wish I could stop though. I wish I'd stop hoping so I could focus on the other parts of my life that for three years took a backseat to you. I wish I'd stop missing you, and I wish I'd stop looking back and start building a future that can be complete even without you.

I had a long breakfast with an old friend late last year and when I told him where I might be in a year or so, he said I'm running away. A few days after, my best friend said the same thing. I would like to think that I'm just finally getting on with my life, but even if they're right and I am running away, I hope they'd let me be. A part of me wants to forget I ever considered leaving, but another part of me cherishes the thought of getting to start over in a new place. A place without you and a place without memories of you scattered all over.

Friends always said I'm blessed with a memory that hardly forgets anything. But now, that blessing has become a curse. It makes me remember how it felt to be in your arms and how it was to have my hand in yours. It keeps me reminded of how I've fallen in love with you and not noticed it happened. And it keeps alive every memory I have of every single place we've gone to and of every single thing we did. It wouldn't allow me to forget how beautiful things were in the beginning and how ugly things got because of that one act I did that made you change your mind about us. I'd take one look at the things around me and I'd realize how much I love you and how big a part of my life you still are.

I long for the day when I can visit the places we used to go to and not be painfully reminded of you, when I can think of you and not think of how it is to hold your hand again, and when I can look at you in the eyes and not think of the beautiful relationship we could have had. If I could sleep and wake up when it's all over, I'd gladly do so. At least then there'll be no regrets, no pain, and no pigheaded prayer for a future with you I'll probably never have.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
a friend once said, we never get what we want...we only get a glimpse of what we feel is ours...*sigh*

Anything For You

2006-01-08T17:04:00.000+08:00

Anything for you
Though you're not here
Since you said we're through
It seems like years
Time keeps draggin' on and on
And forever's been and gone
Still I can't figure what went wrong

And I'd do anything for you
I'll play your game
You've hurt me through and through
But you can have your way
I can pretend each time I see you
That I don't care and I don't need you
Though you'll never see me cryin'
You know inside I feel like dying

I'd still do anything for you
In spite of it all
I've learned so much from you
You made me strong
Don't you ever think that I don't love you
For one minute I forgot you
But sometimes things don't work out right
You just have to say goodbye
I hope you find someone to please you
Someone who'll care and never leave you
But if that someone ever hurts you
You just might need a friend to turn to.

And I'd do anything for you
I'd give you up
If that's what I should do
To make you happy
I can pretend each time I see you
That I don't care and I don't need you
And though inside I feel like dying
You know you'll never see me crying

Don't you ever think that I don't love you
That for one minute I forgot you
But sometimes things don't work out right
And you just have to say goodbye

Don't wanna say goodbye...

Don't you ever think that I don't love you
That for one minute I forgot you
But sometimes things don't work out right
And you just have to say goodbye
I hope you find someone to please you
Someone who'll care and never leave you
But if that someone ever hurts you
You just might need a friend to turn to.

I will do anything for you...

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by Nina

Farewell My Love

2006-01-02T15:20:00.001+08:00

I'm glad I finally gathered enough courage to have you read the moving on letter I wrote for you almost two years ago. Amidst one of the most comfortable dinners I've ever had with you, amidst one of the funniest movies I've watched, and amidst the most familiar of environments, I'm glad I didn't chicken out. More than anything else, I'm glad I was able to let you know in not so many words that I have silently loved you all these years.

I prepared myself to hear the worst and I did. I got answers to the questions I've wanted to ask for a while now. And like I already told you, even if I had to ask if you ever played me, I knew in my heart that you wouldn't be capable of doing that to anybody. It's just that in the darkest of hours and you weren't there to reassure me, I did consider that possibility. I'm sorry I ever doubted you and the way I know you.

I also got the truth that I badly needed to hear. You may have already gotten over the girl who used to stand between us, but there is someone else who's making you smile. And if you're happy with her, then I'm happy for you. I really hope you'll do things right this time.

It kills me to hear you say that there is no chance for us anymore. It saddens me to realize that we may have had something beautiful, but it came at a time when you weren't ready for it. For more than three years, I vainly held on to something I knew at the back of my mind should have just remained in the past. I held on to what I thought we had, to that moment I now know I will have to let go of.

I may not have gotten the answers I wanted but at least I know that the moment we shared, fleeting as it was, is real. Your honesty has also given me the chance to take back my life and my future - a life that I built around you and a future that I built with you in it.

I've always had a hard time moving on so I know the next few months wouldn't be easy. The love I gave you for the past three years made you more important to me than anybody else and it is this same love that I am hoping will bring me the acceptance I need to finally move on.

I wish with all my heart that the night we talked wouldn't be the last time we'd see each other. It pains me to know that in less than a year I might be leaving my world as I've always known it to be. And that when the time comes for me to leave, no matter how much I may wish to see you for the last time, I am not in any position to demand anything from you.

I pray that the Lord grant me the grace to love again and to receive the love I know I deserve.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
farewell to you my love...we shall see each other again on the day only fate knows when...

So Much In Love

2006-01-02T07:15:00.000+08:00

You must be happy
You look wonderful
I never seen you look so fine
I've heard all about her
You're mad about her
You talk about her all the time.

They say you love her
And she's givin' you
Everything you'll ever need
Though I still adore you
I'm happy for you
I know that it's too late for me.

Chorus:
The only love I ever wanted is gone forever
I can never put my world together
So much in love I know you'll never
Come back to me.

Whoa, love doesn't come to you every minute
If you hold back someone else will win it
If you've got a love put your heart right in it
Never set it free.

So think it over
And you'll understand
I'm not tryin' to change your mind
Though she'll never love you
The way I love you
Boy don't miss your chance this time.

Repeat Chorus twice

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by Sheena Easton

My Moving On Letter

2005-12-31T15:45:00.000+08:00

[reposted]

This is my way of moving on, of saying goodbye to a love that was never meant to be and was never mine to begin with.

You know, I've never really understood what happened between us...how and why we came to this - not seeing each other for months at a time, barely talking, barely even on speaking terms. But then again, was there ever an us to begin with? We were just friends who kidded about having a relationship. It made us laugh to see others' reactions every time we'd tell them we've gotten together and that we call each other Hugs and Kisses. You always referred to me as "girlfriend ko" but we both know there's really nothing to it, or at least that was what we owed up to the rest of the world. Even now it would make me smile to think how fast and how far things have gone from there.

We started spending a lot of time together, talking, eating, and playing bridge...we would always choose to closely sit next to each other with your arm around my shoulders and my hand on your lap...we would hold hands and be very affectionate with each other...we even had private jokes that we didn't want to explain or share with anyone else...and every moment we spent together was fun even if we weren't doing anything at all. Friends say that there's this tenderness with which we look at each other, a twinkle in our eyes and a soft smile on our lips that held so much promise...but what we had was never formalized, no words were spoken, nothing clarified nor explicitly admitted. We were playing mind games practically all the way.

I never knew if you loved me back, I never asked. At first it was because I truly believed there wasn't anything out of the ordinary that needed questioning, and when it finally dawned on me, it was too late. You seemed to have changed your mind already. From this point onwards, things went from happy, even blissful, to downright ugly. Suddenly it was as if we didn't know each other. You stayed as far away from me as possible. This time I wanted to talk, clear things up once and for all, but you didn't want to. And no matter what I say, everything falls on deaf ears. Eventually, I thought it was better to keep my silence, to just give you the space you're asking for.

But though I may not have said anything...I loved you with all my heart, and love you still, but I'm tired - I'm tired of fighting for a love that has lived its moment...of living on memories that are special only to me...

Thank you for everything...for taking away my insecurities; for showing me that people do love me for who I am; for making me understand that people I love will hurt me but it doesn't necessarily mean they love me any less, and that when they do hurt me, it is possible to forgive, forget and move on with life; for making me realize it is possible to trust again after getting hurt. Thank you too for giving me the most painful lesson in my life thus far...that the moment you love someone you have given him the capacity to hurt you, that how much you hurt is equal to how much you have loved, that getting hurt is proportionate to having too many expectations. Thank you for accepting me and allowing me enough room to grow at the same time...for inspiring me and making me want to become a better person. Thank you for being there when I needed you - for the silly and the serious moments; for making me laugh, smile and cry all at the same time; for holding my hand when I'm nervous or scared; for giving me a hug and wiping away my tears when I'm sad or confused; for never failing to make me feel better no matter how down or how depressed I've become; for unselfishly sharing my joys and my happiness. Most of all, thank you for making me feel special, for making me feel loved, even if it was so ambiguous and so fleeting I was hardly conscious about it.

I'm sorry things had to come to this - I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you after all, and I wasn't supposed to expect anything to come out of our playing pretend either. But even if everything got so painful, I'm still glad to have known you, to have had you in my life even for just a short while. I've heard people say that while some good things never last others don't even start - I guess that fits us exactly...we could have been good together...good for each other, but then since we never really gave ourselves a chance, things had ended before they even began.

I'm letting you go, I'm letting us go. I've finally accepted that this is the way things would have to be, that i should allow us both to be free enough to seek whatever it is that will truly make us happy. Even if it isn't with each other.

I must admit you probably won't be too far away from my thoughts, and that thinking of you will still bring that tinge of sadness and regret. But I'm okay. I will be okay. Loving again may take awhile though. For now, I'd concentrate on healing myself, on making myself complete on my own - so that when the right one finally comes, I'll be able to give myself to him as I would have wanted to give myself to you.

Wherever life may lead us from here...good luck!

XOXOXOXOXOXO
recent events made reposting this necessary. thanks for being honest, even if you knew you'd be hurting me with the truth.

Only Me And You

2005-12-25T19:04:00.000+08:00

I just had a dream that you were far away
And that someone else was in your arms today
Though I know it's just a dream
Still my fear is so extreme
'Coz I know that dreams could sometimes be so true
And I'll be blue.

Then I told myself
I'll always stay the same
Even if you hurt me, I will take the blame
You are all I'm livin' for
I would love you even more
I would keep the pain inside my door.

Chorus:
It's enough for me
That I have come to love the you I see
Because the heart I have
Could only want you.
I just want you to remember
even if it takes forever
I would wait until the world is through
When all that's left is
Only me and you.

Yes I told myself I'd always stay the same
Even if you hurt me
I would take the pain
You are all I'm livin' for
I would love you even more
I would keep the pain inside my door.

Repeat Chorus

I'll wait for you
you know its true
Until again I'll be with you
When all that's left
Is only me and you.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by Donna Cruz

Hearing from You Again

2005-12-25T10:50:00.001+08:00

funny how one text message can make all my efforts of forgetting you go to waste...but i'm glad to hear from you just the same...merry christmas!

XOXOXOXOXOXO

My Christmas Wish List

2005-12-17T12:13:00.000+08:00

Dear Santa,

In the loving and giving spirit of Christmas, here is my 20-item christmas wish list.

1. a better political and economic situation in the philippines
2. a full length mirror
3. a professional digital camera
4. photography lessons
5. a trip around the philippines [at least one beautiful place per region]
6. an asian-pacific cruise
7. a 120GB external hard drive
8. a laptop
9. a wireless internet connection at home
10. a neopets premium account [hehehe...]

[covering wishes 11-20]
a special someone to share my wishes, my christmas, and my life with...

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Quiz Results: How you are in Love

2005-12-15T13:55:00.000+08:00

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.

You tend to give more than take in relationships.

You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.

You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.

You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Thank You

2005-11-27T22:40:00.001+08:00

...thank you for touching my life in a way i can't even begin to describe.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Post Secret Postcard

2005-11-15T20:54:00.001+08:00

i hope i never get to feel the pain of having this secret...

XOXOXOXOXOXO
one of my favorites from the Post Secret blog...

What If...

2005-11-14T02:29:00.001+08:00

One of the saddest things that can happen to you is when your ex-boyfriend tells you the night before his wedding..."This could have been us!"

I got that quote a few years back and I remembered it while I was talking to my officemate about a scenario she gave me. She said, what if the night before my wedding you suddenly get to read all the letters I wrote for you that I never gave, and you finally decide to tell me you've loved me all these years but was just too scared to do anything about it. I really don't know what I'd do given that scenario. I guess it all depends on how I feel about you then and how much I love my would-be husband. Somehow though, I don't think I'd even consider marrying somebody if I know I have yet to let go of a past love. But then again, who can say for sure, right?

It'll be so sad if at the moment you finally get up the courage to owe up to what you feel for me I haven't just given you up, I've also decided to love someone who was brave enough to love me in return. I wish our story won't have to get to that point. I hope that when and if the day comes that you realize you have feelings for me after all, I still care for you enough to take the risk of loving again. Most of all, I hope that by then I'm still free enough to actually make a choice.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

On Fairy Tales and Happy Endings

2005-11-05T23:06:00.000+08:00

Even as a little girl, I reveled in the promise of santa claus, in the magic of the tooth fairy, and in the romance of fairy tales. Deep in my heart, I always believed that one day I would meet my prince and when I do, I'm going to have my happy ending.

Ours was not a picture-perfect beginning. In fact, I never really saw you as someone who could be part of my fairy tale. You were nothing but a near-stranger, a friend of a friend. But when you held my hand and wiped away my tears, you broke through the defenses that I never even knew were there. You became my prince, the man I believed I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. I prayed and wished with all my heart that it was just a matter of time before you'd realize that we were made for each other, that I am your princess.

I waited patiently. I held off plans and postponed making decisions. I wanted to accommodate your plans and I wanted us to make decisions together. I took whatever you could give, no matter how little it was and no matter how rarely it came my way. I put my life on hold as I waited at the sidelines and watched you fulfill your dreams. As the months turned into years, you became my world but the situation has remained the same. You were there living your life and I was here building a future around the belief that in the end it would be the two of us. But regardless of how much time went by and how hard I hoped, you were one wish my fairy godmother was not able to grant. You were one unanswered prayer.

Save for that moment we shared, you never saw me as your princess. I refuse to entertain the thought that I was just a game for you, that you never cared, and that everything was a nightmare pretending to be a dream. I refuse to accept that you'd intentionally hurt me. I would rather believe you genuinely cared but somewhere along the way something happened that made you change your mind about us. I'd rather tell myself that this is life's way of telling me that real life is no fairy tale, and that maybe it's time for the little girl to finally grow up.

I think I have grown up. I think that the pain of accepting the reality that lay before my eyes made sure of that. And it makes me feel better to know that despite everything, deep inside I will still be that little girl who persists in dreaming of fairy tales and happy endings. But my life would now go on despite the pain and despite your absence.

I'd be lying if I say that I'd no longer be waiting for you because being with you is still my heart's most fervent wish. I wouldn't be waiting by the window though, not anymore. I will go my own way, building a life away from you, away from your plans, and away from your dreams. I might be leaving you behind, but I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that one day, maybe far-off in the distant future, our paths would cross again. And if that day comes, things might be different - perhaps in another time and in another place, you'll finally see me as your princess.

But if the road will not lead us back to each other, I'll know that you are not the prince meant for me, that you will just remain my unanswered prayer. I'll know then that my fairy tale has not yet ended - you're just another chapter closed and just another lesson painfully learned. You are not my prince, I am not your princess, and you are not the happy ending I always dreamt of.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Busy

2005-11-02T04:42:00.000+08:00

I work two jobs located a long way from each other. Almost everyday I sleep at 4am, and wake up only to have time for a quick shower. Then, I head off to work. People ask me, "how can you do it?" I ask myself how can I not?

I love being busy. I wasn't always like this, but nowadays being busy is all I have. Being busy gives me no time. No time to relax, no time to think, no time to stare at the walls and remember.

I seemed to have been functioning normally, until it all came to a swift end. He never said a word, I never saw him go, but in my heart I knew that that was already goodbye.

Am I brokenhearted? I don't know. Aren't people "brokenhearted" because they lost something or someone? I wonder if I can lose something that I never really had. What was it that we had anyway?

I'm a flexible person, but one thing I can not stand is prolonged ambiguity. And that is what we had...although it wasn't always like that.

Things happened much too fast that sometimes I wonder if I just dreamt it all. We were set up. We met. We dated. He asked me if it's okay if I don't date anybody else. So, I didn't. He said he wanted me to become his girlfriend. We kissed. He was my first kiss. It was a long, passionate evening. And then I had to go. I was gone for a while. When I came back, things had changed, but we kept on. We both had erratic schedules and a long list of priorities. We ran to too many directions too fast too often. In the end, we had nothing left.

I pause and look at the paragraph I just wrote. Funny how an entire year of adventure and then anguish could just be summarized in a couple of words. Funny how these words are supposed to embody everything we had. Or everything I had. Because now I am no longer sure if he and I had the same thing.

When things started getting sour, my friends told me that he was a jerk, and that I should move on. Silly me, I gave him a second chance.

So, we danced the same dance...only to find out that we were not waltzing on the same pace. I liked him enough to commit to making us work, so I adjusted my steps to meet his. Still, it didn't work. Now that I think of it, he might have been dancing a different dance altogether, and I was too blind to see.

I would hear from him, and then for weeks, he wouldn't call. Then, just when I would already wise up, just when I would be ready to give it all up and move on, he would resurface, and everything would be alright again. This became a cycle.

That fateful night, I got tired of it all. In not so many words, I expressed how I felt. Things were simply not working for us. For the past few months, he really wasn't there physically anymore. Worse, I felt that he wasn't even there emotionally.

Growing up, I learned that when it comes to men, one should never assume. In my naivette, however, I thought that if a guy tells me he likes me very, very much, I should believe him. When I think of it now, it is not doubtful that he didn't mean what he said, and I was simply a fool to believe him.

I couldn't put it in any better way than I did when I said goodbye to him in a dream: Mukhang hindi ka pa handang magmahal, at baka hindi pa kita kayang mahalin (Perhaps you are not yet ready to love, and perhaps I am unable to love you.).

Maybe we were just too different, and we wanted different things from a relationship.

During the final months, he gave very little, and took even less from what we had. I, in turn, gave too much and expected too much.

I remember a mantra I made for myself during one of those bitter nights when I got so frustrated with us. It says: "I will not be the girl you will settle for on horny nights when you need female companionship and your other friends wouldn't give you the time of your life. I will not be the girl you will settle for while trying to settle your issues with commitment and the other messy parts of your life. I will not settle for one-sided love. I will not be the girl you just settled for. I deserve to be loved and I will not settle for anything less."

The words came from deep within. Feelings that I tried to hide, but in recent times have come to acknowledge. I couldn't love for the both of us.

It was a simple ending. He didn't even talk back. His last gift to me was silence, a chance to walk away without any ugly scene to tarnish what few precious memories we had. So I picked up what little dignity I had left and went my own way.

Deep in my heart, I know that that silence is permanent. I know that I will never hear from him again.

Never is such a lonely word.

My friends say that it's his loss, not mine. But if they are right, and that in losing us he lost a lot more than I did, then why am I hurting this much?

Did I love him? I don't know. You tell me. I haven't had the time to figure that out yet.

Tomorrow is a rest day for most people, but that doesn't apply to me. My two jobs go on despite the holiday, and tomorrow is the busiest day of my week. But I don't mind.

Busy is fine. Nowadays, I just love being busy.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by zeanjurek [from peyups]
sometimes i wish i too could be too busy to remember, and sometimes i wish i too would get tired enough to say goodbye and walk away...

If I'm Not In Love with You

2005-11-01T23:40:00.000+08:00

If I'm not in love with you
What is this I'm going through, tonight?
And if this heart is lying then
What should I believe in
Why do I go crazy
Everytime I think about you baby
Why else do I want you like I do
If I'm not in love with you

And if I don't need your touch
Why do I miss you so much, tonight
If it's just infatuation
Then why is my heart aching
To hold you forever
Give a part of me I thought I'd never
Give again to someone I could lose
If I'm not in love with you

Oh, why in every fantasy
Do I feel your arms embracing me
Like lovers lost in sweet desire
And why in dreams do I surrender
Like a little baby
How do I explain this feeling
Someone tell me

If I'm not in love with you
What is this I'm going through, tonight?
And if this heart is lying then
What should I believe in
Why do I go crazy
Everytime I think about you baby
Why else do I want you like I do...
If I'm not in love with
If I'm not in love with
If I'm not in love with you...

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by Kathy Troccoli

Untitled

2005-10-25T02:59:00.000+08:00

never say i love you
if you don't really care.
never talk about feelings
if they aren't really there...

never hold my hand
if you mean to break my heart.
never say you're going to
if you don't really plan to start....

never look into my eyes
if all you do is lie.
never say hello
if what you really mean is goodbye...

XOXOXOXOXOXO
by anonymous
for him who held my hand but broke my heart...